I love my possessive, abusive and insecure ex-boyfriend

Hi,

I'm a 22-year-old university student, almost in my final year. My boyfriend and I are in the same university, though he is older than me at 24.

We've had so many issues and fights because my boyfriend wants me to stay with him and spend all my time doing something that I don't feel comfortable engaging in. I mean, I have no problem visiting him but not every day.

Again, he doesn't like me talking to anyone else except him, and if I talk to someone I need to inform him of the purpose of the conversation and who they are to me. He also reads my messages and pores over everything in my phone, something that I’m uncomfortable with.

He doesn’t allow me to go spend with friends or even stay at my place he needs me to be there with him like 24/7. Whenever we fight, it ends up in physical violence. He’s beaten me up numerous times.

I broke up with him because of the beatings but it hasn't been easy since he keeps blaming me for messing up his life, saying that he gave me his all.

It’s true that at some point, he was a good person who provided material stuff and gave me everything. I dressed well and ate whatever I wanted. But, I never had peace or happiness and that's why I chose to leave.

I always wish that he could be optimistic and see that we can still be together in the future, but he really doesn't think that way and I don't know what more to do. I love him.

Hi,

You are indeed in a sweet-sour relationship that provides you with all you need on one hand, and takes the same away through the controlling and manipulating nature of your boyfriend in his desire to cause you to submit to him. He is basically buying your love. 

However, it is clear that the unhappiness you have experienced has not been adequately addressed. As a result, this brings to light the whole issue of conflict management in your relationship. 

It is clear that your relationship lacks the environment necessary for confronting issues without one feeling like they are walking on eggshells. The fear of retribution is a big challenge that has crippled many relationships.

For example, I can see the struggle between your desire to leave and attractions based on the goodies you will miss. This tug of war has kept many in relationships in a subservient role where abusive partners take advantage of their spouses.

The second issue is the overly controlling nature that makes him deny you basic rights like visitations, communicating with friends; hence, making you feel like a prisoner in the relationship.

What this gentleman has done is to use gifts, which he knows you like to receive to trap you as he advances his use of threats and manipulation to have his way. It is unfair and outright wrong for him to treat you like a prisoner, yet you are not even married to him.

Relationships should provide partners with the freedom to be themselves in a way that is still honouring to the relationship.

The third issue I see is the way you have allowed his controlling nature and manipulation to lead to a blame game and a level of abuse that includes fights. Physical abuse should not be tolerated, regardless of how beautiful, handsome or helpful your partner is.

Love is a choice we make to be caring, affirming, appreciative and supportive of each other. Indeed you are pissed off, however, he needs to know that you will not allow him to abuse you.

Don’t allow him to bribe you, threaten or manipulate you into fear, silence or abuse. Brushing it off could just give him the license to further take advantage and abuse and manipulate you.

Fourth, your good memories are based on things that tend to be temporal in relationships. Indeed, he has been good at using his material possessions to blind you and manipulate you into compliance.

However, your consciousness is clear. Your lack of peace is now an indicator that you need to evaluate your future with this man. 

From what you have shared, I really do not see how he fits into the value system you hold. Your desire is to be in a relationship where you are valued and respected. This is not the case.

My concern is that his treatment of you could lead to a life of low self-esteem and low self-worth. His lack of trust for you to be out there and still maintain dignity is evident. He does not trust you.

This could be a result of actions arising from his selfish or maybe vulnerable state. He feels like, if he lets you visit, someone will steal you from him.

Finally, there is a need for you to clearly define for yourself whether a future with him is what you want. You are still young and able to find a man who would love you for who you are.

Additionally, you are at a critical moment of completing your studies. You, therefore, need to determine what priorities you should focus on at this moment.

Yes, you will enjoy the goodies for now, but what happens when you say no to his unacceptable behaviour towards you?

She flirted with her male friend but sees nothing wrong with her actions

Hi,

I’m a 24-year old guy in my final year on campus, and my girlfriend is 22. We have dated for nine months now. In the past few months, we have had unresolved issues.

It started with her flirting with her male friend and that made me uncomfortable. I told her how I felt but things didn't change. They kept in touch but secretly until I found out that the guy also got her perfume as a gift but she kept the truth from me.

She stopped appreciating me. She became angry every time I asked about the guy she talked to. This really affected the trust I had in her and made me insecure about where the relationship was heading.

We have had issues like these for a while now, and at some point, I got angry and started losing my temper, something I really regret from the bottom of my heart.

She dumps me each time we have a misunderstanding but we always make up shortly after that. This makes me work extra hard to make her happy because of how easily I can be dumped.

I really love her more than anyone I have met before and all I want is to be with her. I have done my best getting her things just to appreciate her being in my life and to just see her happy.

Recently, she dumped me after being away for three months due to Covid-19. She told me that she is not ready for a relationship anymore and that she has other things to focus on.

She also said that we will be together in the future and I can't understand why she is hurting me know if she still wants me in the future.

She says I'm the best person she has been with and she loves me but still insists on the break-up.

It's been a month now full of confusion, uncertainty and heartbreak. I don't know what to do. Please help me.

Hi,

It is important to remind ourselves of the reasons people get into relationships that later hurt them. First, if our needs supersede our ability to reason or see things that matter clearly, we end up loving people for the wrong reasons. We should not ignore the scheme's partners use to gain an advantage in a relationship. 

Second, if the relationship is built on temporal things that will pass with time, we will most likely build the relationship on a poor foundation based on temporal benefits. It is like someone building a house on quicksand. When the storms come, the house will be washed away. Building the relationship on selfish desire is definitely costly, both emotionally and financially. 

The love the two of you profess to have for each other is based purely on desires that are short-lived. For example, the big question for you is to find out what makes her think that she is in love with you. This will help explain the reasons behind her actions — like, why she finds it easy to dump you every now and then.

When two people have nothing of importance that connects them , there will be nothing to celebrate, thereby leading to instability in their relationship. 

Because your girlfriend loves gifts from this other guy, look at how that has influenced you and made you fall into the same trap. You are now of the opinion that giving her gifts could turn her love back towards you.

You see, this lady has mastered the art of manipulating both of you for her personal gain. 

What should worry you is the danger of sexually transmitted diseases associated with multiple partners. You must, therefore, be concerned about the values that will build a stable relationship than just being attracted to someone because of how they look or what we gain from them.

Finally, if her choices in relationship building were right, she would have prioritised well instead of being erratic. Of concern is why you would believe her when she says that you are the best person she has been with and still choose to be away from you.

She has made her choice. You need to make yours. Either you walk away and start afresh or make a choice to wait until she makes up her mind on what she really wants. 

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