Teachers say the issue of same-sex relationships among girls is becoming more complex. For many parents, the discovery elicits shock, fear and difficult questions.
When Joyce* opens the door to her home in Nairobi, she looks like any other mother juggling the demands of work and family life. The 40-year-old is a nurse. She is preparing food for her youngest child, a four-year-old who recently started school. Her other daughter is 10, and the eldest just turned 21.
But behind her calm demeanour is a woman who once felt so overwhelmed by parenting that she contemplated taking her life. Part of that burden came from parenting a teenager at a moment when Joyce herself felt unprepared.
It began in 2022 when the eldest daughter was in Form Three.
Joyce recalls the first incident during a chama meeting at home. Her eldest daughter was about 17 years old at the time. “I found her kissing our neighbour’s daughter,” she says.
The two girls had always been close. They would visit each other often and even spend nights together during school holidays. To Joyce, it seemed like an ordinary teenage friendship.
“I never thought anything was going on. They were just friends,” she says.
As a nurse working night shifts, Joyce often left her daughter at home to look after her younger siblings. Occasionally, she noticed uncommon behaviours like the girls wearing matching outfits or matching shoes, but she did not think much of it.
“I remember at one time my daughter was wearing a blue-and-white checked dress, and the other girl had a checked blue shirt with white trousers. I just thought they liked each other as friends,” she says.
The girls attended different high schools, although the two families worshipped at the same church.
Nothing seemed unusual until the second incident. “I came home earlier than usual and found them here,” she says, pointing to the living room sofa.
“They were doing things that couples do. I was shocked. They, too, were shocked when they saw me.”
The confrontation that followed was heated, complete with blows and kicks. During the argument, the daughter told her mother that she had been attracted to girls since Form Two.
“She said many girls in school were doing it and that it was normal,” Joyce says, her eyes filling with tears.
The discovery strained their relationship. “Every time I tried to talk about it, we ended up arguing and not speaking.”
In school, the daughter’s performance dropped. She eventually scored a mean grade of C plain.
Despite her pain, Joyce supported her daughter through university. But the conflict continued.
“The fights became very ugly. She became cold and arrogant. Sometimes she refused to attend sessions when we went to see a psychologist,” she says. “She wasn’t changing, and I was tired.”
After six counselling sessions, Joyce gave up. Last year, her daughter moved out.
“Sometimes I ask myself where I went wrong as a parent. Every night, I cry and pray to God to help her. I miss her, but the thought of her being a lesbian makes me feel worse about myself. I wish I had someone to talk to, but I fear being judged,” she says.
Today, Joyce is focusing on her two younger daughters. She has also returned to therapy.
“I have done four sessions so far, and I am doing better. I pray they make good decisions,” she says softly.
Her story mirrors the silent struggle of many parents grappling with how to understand their children in a rapidly changing social landscape. Same-sex relationships among girls are increasingly becoming a concern.
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What teachers are seeing
Teachers say the issue of same-sex relationships among girls is becoming more complex. For many parents, the discovery elicits shock, fear and difficult questions.
According to Colleta Muendo, a high school teacher with more than 15 years of experience, same-sex relationships among girls are common, particularly in boarding schools.
“In many cases, students join Form One very innocent. Most of them learn about these relationships while in school.”
She notes that reports increased after schools fully reopened following the Covid-19 pandemic. However, disciplinary options are limited. Some schools discipline the children, others do not.
“The Ministry of Education does not allow us to expel students for such cases,” she says.
She adds that some of the cases are same-sex sexual assault or bullying.
“There have been situations where girls threatened others at night, saying if they did not cooperate, they would harm them,” she says. She adds that such behaviour does not only start in high school. Some children are exposed to it as early as Grade Six. Teachers often learn about such relationships through other students’ notes dropped in suggestion boxes around the school.
“They report that two girls were found in corners or dark places,” Ms Muendo says.
Some students display intense attachment patterns such as sharing food regularly, showing jealousy, or adopting couple-like roles, referring to each other as ‘husband’ and ‘wife.’ Love letters are common, too. Some girls even wear small black hair bands on their hands or around their ankles to signal that someone is “taken.”
These relationships sometimes escalate into conflict. “We had a case where two girls fought over another girl,” she says.
Affects school performance
She warns that these kinds of relationships often affect school performance. “These relationships take up a lot of their time. At the end, many don’t get good grades.”
Once labelled, students may face stigma from peers, which affects confidence and self-esteem.
“Classmates often avoid such girls during group work, and it affects studies,” she adds.
Although guidance and counselling sessions are offered, some students change, while others do not.
“Some students from disadvantaged backgrounds may remain in such relationships because they receive financial or material support from wealthier peers,” adds Ms Muendo.
Schools may also recommend spiritual counselling for students who express a willingness to change. The parents are usually informed, although reactions are often intense.
“Some parents are in denial, others even collapse in shock.”
She adds that some parents enrol their daughters in boarding schools, hoping teachers will address suspected behaviour. However, relationships may continue through social media during holidays.
“If this is happening in a controlled school environment, what happens when they go to university, where there is more freedom?”
Same-sex relationships among girls are increasingly becoming a concern.
When friendship crosses line
Isaac Maweu, a school counsellor, says intense friendships and emotional attachments are common during adolescence. Such bonds often begin around Grade Six and continue into junior secondary.
At this stage, he explains, many relationships are driven by emotional needs rather than romantic understanding. “If there is dysfunction at home, a child may look for support and comfort from a friend,” he says.
However, when attachment becomes excessive, it can affect emotional well-being and school performance.
“The child may feel lonely, rejected or insecure. Others may withdraw completely from the rest due to lower self-esteem issues. In some cases, manipulation occurs, where affection becomes conditional.”
When concerns of such relationships arise, counsellors prioritise one-on-one sessions to help students understand boundaries and develop healthy social skills.
Parents are invited for in-person discussions when behaviour affects the student or her peers.
Mr Maweu says if students are found exchanging romantic messages or being intimate, schools handle the matter through guidance structures or pastoral care. In some cases, suspensions may be issued.
He shares that the most common reactions he has observed from parents are denial or shock. However, he advises against harsh punishment or blame towards the child. “The focus should be on support, not anger.”
Girls tend to form deeper emotional bonds than boys, so the parent should help the child understand how to set personal boundaries early.
What to do
Beryl Mungai, a child psychologist, urges parents and guardians to approach such situations with calm rather than fear.
“Adolescence is a season of very strong emotions and self-discovery. What may look alarming on the surface is often part of a much larger process, young people trying to understand who they are, where they belong, and how they relate to others,” she says.
Many young people experience powerful feelings before they fully understand them. Often, what they are really seeking is safety, belonging, and a sense of identity.
“Identity exploration can begin as early as age nine or 10, becoming more visible between ages 11 and 14.”
However, curiosity, closeness, and emotional attachment are normal parts of development, especially with girls.
“What requires parental attention is not the label, but the emotional pattern, such as secrecy, pressure, discomfort, or inappropriate behaviour,” she explains.
She advises parents to observe the nature of the relationship rather than reacting to assumptions. Signs of concern include jealousy, exclusivity, secrecy, distress when apart and emotional dependence on one person.
Girls tend to form deeper emotional bonds than boys, so the parent should help the child understand how to set personal boundaries early.
“Tell them your body belongs to you. You have the right to say no, even to a friend, and affection should never leave you feeling confused or uncomfortable.”
When a parent or guardian discovers romantic messages, letters, or signs of physical closeness, the first step, Ms Mungai says, is self-control.
“Anger, threats, or public confrontation can damage trust and encourage secrecy,” she says.
A healthier approach is curiosity. “Say something like, ‘I noticed something, and I want to understand how you’re feeling…’
“Start by reassuring the child of your love, then gently discuss boundaries and expectations. Children are more honest when they feel safe rather than judged,” she adds.
She emphasises that family values can still be communicated calmly.
She advises parents or guardians to monitor social media and phone use.
“Set digital rules early. Keep devices in shared spaces, and explain that supervision is about safety, not control, “she says.
Some parents worry when their daughters have a deep or hoarse voice, prefer ‘boyish’ interests, or present differently from their peers. She cautions against linking personality traits, appearance, or interests to identity concerns.
“Voice tone, clothing choices, hobbies, and temperament are normal variations of self-expression,” she adds.
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