Dealing with the end of a relationship or marriage, no matter how amicable or bitter, is never easy. Yet beyond the heartbreak, one of the hardest battles a parent can face is the fight for custody.
Rama Oluoch, an advertising and marketing services consultant and content creator, is a single father of two.
Photo credit: Pool
But he quickly learned that the wheels of justice move slowly. “Children count your absence by the weekends you don’t see them and the holidays you miss,” he says softly. “I missed only two birthdays and six school holidays for both boys.”
His advice to men fighting for custody? “Go for it. Your children need you when they are young. If you let them grow without you, you’ll pay for therapy later.
Alex Gatheru Mwangi, 42, has also been on the same journey as Rama. When he speaks about his nine-year-old son, his eyes soften. A telecommunications engineer based in Machakos County, Alex never imagined he’d ever spend years in court just to prove that he was a good father.
Alex met his son’s mother in his late 20s. Their marriage was built on love and shared dreams but as years went by, they grew apart. “Somewhere along the way, communication broke down. We became co-parents more than partners.”
“He became withdrawn and moody. He would tell me he didn’t like moving between houses all the time. I could tell something wasn’t right.
“That phone call broke me,” Alex says. “It wasn’t anyone’s fault; it was just poor coordination on our part, but our differences were affecting him directly.”
When Alex first mentioned his intentions, the response was discouraging. “People laughed and said, ‘You’ll waste money. Fathers don’t win custody in Kenyan courts.’ Even my lawyer warned me that the odds were low.
He began documenting everything, from school reports to doctor’s visits. “I kept every report card, every note from teachers, every photo of us doing homework.”
He showed the court that his son had a dedicated room, a fixed school routine, and consistent access to healthcare and emotional support. “I may not have had a fancy home, but I had peace, and that’s what my son needed most.”
The turning point came when a social inquiry report prepared by a children’s officer noted that Alex provided “a more stable and consistent environment conducive to the child’s emotional development.” A few months later, the court delivered its judgment.
“I’ll never forget that day,” he says. “When the judge said, ‘Custody is granted to the father,’ I froze. I didn’t even cry in court, I waited until I got home, then I broke down.”
The order required him to ensure the mother had regular access and visitation rights. “That was fair,” he says. “I never wanted to erase her.”
Their routine includes breakfast together, homework at the kitchen table and bedtime storytelling. “I learned that fatherhood isn’t about how much you buy but how much you show up,” he says.
Despite his victory, Alex still feels society’s quiet judgment. “People assume that if you have custody as a man, the mother must have done something terrible. That’s not true. My son’s mother is a good person. We just couldn’t parent under the same roof. We’ve both matured now. We communicate better. I even send her updates about school events.”
What hurt most during the process, he says, was the isolation.
Data from the Kenyan courts shows there has been an increase in child custody and maintenance cases filed across all 47 counties. Nairobi, Mombasa, and Nakuru counties top the list with the highest number of filed custody and maintenance cases.
Understanding child custody laws
When couples separate or divorce, one of the hardest and most emotional questions is, who should the child live with? Family Advocate Cosmas Mureti says the answer lies not in who earns more or who loves the child most, but in the best interest of the child.
Mureti Cosmas, a family law advocate, explains child custody matters in accordance with the laws in Kenya.
Photo credit: Pool
“When deciding who gets custody, the court looks at several things: The child’s own wishes if they’re old enough, the parents’ conduct, their religion, and even their community customs. The court also checks whether the child has suffered harm or is likely to, and tries to ensure siblings are not separated. Only in exceptional cases does the court split them between parents.”
But it is not automatic. “The father must prove both that the mother is unfit and that he can provide a better environment.”
“The application is filed through the Judiciary’s Case Tracking System (CTS),” he says. “Once that’s done, the court sets a mention date, confirms that the other parent has been served, and later gives a hearing date.” The judge then listens to both sides and delivers judgment.
Children’s Officers and probation officers often act as the court’s eyes and ears. They visit both homes, talk to the parents, and prepare a report on their living conditions and ability to care for the child.
But what about visitation rights? “Both parents have equal rights, so a father can get full custody while the mother retains visitation rights in a public space like a park or restaurant.”
“A parent can apply to court to review the order if, for example, they’ve become more stable or the other parent’s situation has changed,” says Mr Mureti.
Beyond the legal process, he acknowledges the emotional cost of custody cases. “Litigation is exhausting, financially, mentally, and emotionally. Parents spend a lot of time in court, and one side must always lose.
