They say parenting has no manual; sometimes lessons only come later in life, often with serious consequences. That’s why we couldn’t pass up the chance to amplify the voices of three young people who made a shocking confession: growing up with live-in nannies who handled all chores stifled their independence.
They now struggle with basic life skills like cooking, feeding themselves, and cleaning up. They hope that by sharing their stories, parents will see this as a wake-up call before it’s too late.
Paul Andrew, 23, lives in Kilimani after moving out of his parents’ home in Athi River. He has two siblings, and he is the second-born. Growing up, his parents were always busy with work, so they had two house helps who managed the household chores, from preparing the meals, washing clothes, cleaning, to running small errands.
“I simply did nothing,” says Paul, laughing. “I was not even allowed to go to the shop. I simply ate, slept, and watched TV.
Bulk shopping was done, meals prepared, and my clothes just seemed to magically appear, clean and folded.”
On paper, it might sound like a luxurious childhood, but Paul reveals that the impact of having help around the clock hit him full force when he joined university.
Suddenly, he had no one to feed and clean for him. “I didn’t even know where to start,” he says. He survived by paying a mama fua to do his laundry and bought takeaway food almost every day. Cooking was impossible; he didn’t know how to make even the simplest meals.
His parents, noticing the struggle, decided to rent him an apartment at Qwetu Residences in Nairobi to make his life easier; however, Paul still finds it difficult to go through each day. “I attempt to do things on my own, but it just feels so hard. It tires me out. For meals, the only things I can prepare are hot water, coffee, noodles, and perhaps eggs. That’s all,” he confesses.
“Most of my friends are just like me, no cooking. We go to the store to buy food, or we order deliveries. It feels normal when I’m with them,” he explains. However, Paul is acutely aware of his incapacity. He is worried for his younger brother, whom he feels will end up just like him, unable to do any chores.
“He is growing up exactly as I did, having everything done for him. I feel bad sometimes because I know he will also struggle when he gets to my stage.”
Lately, Paul has decided to shift his lifestyle to become more independent. Outside his school social circles, he has a friend who challenges him to learn new things, starting with the basics.
Many adolescents clash with their parents for being lazy and sluggish.
Photo credit: Shutterstock
“I visit his place and that’s where I try cooking, helping in the kitchen, and finding out something new. I know someday I will be on my own and have to do all of these things by myself. I want to be prepared when that time comes,” he explains.
Liz Anyango spends many nights thinking about her childhood. “My mother was there,” she begins, “but she wasn’t there. She was there in body, but elsewhere in mind.”
Her mother was a single parent, hardworking and determined to give her three children a decent life. She hired a nanny who became the primary caregiver of Liz and her siblings.
“We were never allowed to touch anything in the house,” Liz remembers. “Everything was done for us. I was the eldest, but at 11 years old, the only thing that I was trusted to do was sweep the floor and maybe clear the table.”
At the time, it felt normal, even lucky. Liz even challenged or outrightly disobeyed the nanny without facing any punishment. “I didn’t realise the risk,” she admits. “I was weak as the firstborn. I couldn’t take care of my brothers, not even myself.”
By her twenties, the cracks were obvious. When their nanny was on leave, Liz and her siblings would survive only on the food their mother cooked that morning. “We just microwaved it, ate, left dishes in the sink, and went back to watching TV or hanging out with friends. It never crossed my mind that I should clean up, do laundry, or even go to the shop. It all felt normal that someone else should take care of the chores.”
Now, at 29, in her own house, Liz feels the full extent of that background. “I struggle to make ugali. I tire so quickly while doing laundry that sometimes I have to pay someone to do it. I only started doing chores properly when I was 24, on campus, and it was like climbing a mountain.”
“I’ve had two serious relationships that both failed. The men said that I complained too much about doing chores or left things half done. It hurt. But it was true, I was still learning basic things I should have learned years earlier.”
Liz now has a secure job, pays her rent, but is scared of the responsibilities of being an adult. “No one will come to my aid. I need to do everything by myself, cooking, cleaning, managing a home. It’s hard, but it’s mine to face.”
She does not fault her mother, however. “She did the best she could as a single mom. But being spoiled by the nanny left bruises. My siblings are still enjoying the comfort at home, and I know they’ll have the same battle one day.”
During school holidays, Liz insists on having her siblings over at her house. She tries to make them assist, doing the dishes, ironing garments, and sweeping the floors. “They complain, of course,” she laughs. “But I insist. I don’t want them to have to suffer what I’m going through.”
However, the third confession was not one laced with regret. For 25-year-old Zedrick Arwa, being spoiled by the nanny set him up for the soft life, one he embraces unapologetically.
When we meet him, he is seated on the same porch he played on as a boy, stretching out his legs, a smile tugging at his face. “Life here is comfortable,” he says. “Honestly, I don’t see the rush to move out of home.”
Each evening, supper is prepared, his laundry is folded and stored away in his drawers, and his bed is made. “It’s humiliating to say it,” he chuckles, “but I never really did my own laundry. I simply go to work, return home, and all is taken care of,” says Zedrick, who works in IT.
Zedrick was raised by nannies as his parents were away at work, with demanding careers. His father just retired, and his mother runs a family business now, but the pattern hasn’t changed much. They have a live-in house-help who handles all chores. “I’ve never gotten involved with dishes and cooking,” he says. “It’s just not part of me. I didn’t do it when I was growing up, and I haven’t ever done it.”
Zedrick, a third born in a household of five siblings, doesn’t deny it’s a “soft life,” but he sees no shame in it. “As a guy, I won’t stress myself with chores,” he says plainly. But that doesn’t mean I don’t know the world is harsh. That’s why I work hard and save. I want my future household to be like this, comfortable, easy, with less stress. I want to give my children the same life my parents gave me.”
Zedrick is not in a hurry to leave the nest. “I’ll move out when I’m in my late thirties,” he says. “I have everything I need here. I don’t feel rushed.”
But beneath his calm acceptance lies an awareness of the trade-off. He knows some people might call him dependent, even spoiled. “Maybe they’re right,” he admits with a shrug. “But I’d rather focus on building my career and my future than stress over laundry or cooking.”
At 33, Ruth Macharia, a nanny, begins her day the same manner she has for the past nine years, walking into a house that belongs to somebody else but where she is needed most. She arranges pillows, ties shoelaces, and reminds children to eat their breakfast as she checks their school bags and sets them off to school.
The family has three children: 17, 14, and a 10-year-old. The parents work, but not long hours. When they return, they slump into their own worlds, eyes glued to laptops and phones. Same with the children. “It’s like a zombie family,” Ruth admits. “Everybody is around, but no one is present.”
The children have been raised such that they do not do anything for themselves. They scroll for hours, eat for hours, and sleep for hours. During school holidays, Ruth has to remind them to take a bath. “I spread out their beds when they wake up and iron their uniforms, I wash the big ones’ inner wear as well,” she says, shaking her head. Sometimes it feels like I’m taking care of new-borns who already know how to walk.
She admits that it drains her, leaving her no time to build a life or family of her own. “I’m here for the money, but sometimes the exhaustion feels heavier than the pay,” she says.
Ruth remembers her first nanny job straight after high school, with another extremely wealthy family. Their estate was full of luxuries such as gardens, and a pool. But the children had no ambitions or dreams. When Ruth asked the 14-year-old girl once what she wanted to be when she grew up, the girl rolled her eyes and said, “I don’t know. I guess I’ll just live here. I don’t want to work.”
And then there was the trust-fund family she worked for subsequently. The father had a hot temper, the mother was sick, and the boys were troublesome. Ruth was their anchor, doing errands, looking after the pets, and getting the children’s day-to-day routine organised.
“Eventually, one of the boys came to trust me, and we established a bond, reminding me why I stayed on in this job. Children need someone reliable, and thrive where there is structure.”
Buck stops with the parent
A child psychologist, Ivy Jepkemoi Anne from Mathari National Teaching and Referral Hospital, cautions parents not to let their children be dependent on nannies.
Ivy Jepkemoi Anne, child psychologist, from Mathari National Teaching and Referral Hospital.
Photo credit: Pool
“A child who has everything done for them learns that such work is not their responsibility. This is a socialisation issue about how children learn values, roles, and responsibilities. If they never do their chores or clean their room, they will learn that kind of work is “beneath them.” When they become adults, they will resent housework, struggle with independence, or fail at minimal survival skills. But when chores come with good values like dignity and self-respect, children will be eager to do the work without resentment.
However, children will not instinctively learn responsibility because the area of the brain responsible for decision-making, the prefrontal cortex, is not developed until adulthood. Parents must establish routines and teach why responsibility is important.
Nannies can be a wonderful help, but should never substitute the parent’s role for attachment, discipline, and values. A nanny’s role is to reinforce the parents’ expectations, not create new ones. When parents institute rules regarding bedtime, dinnertime, or screen time, the nanny must uphold them with consistency.
