The highs and lows of single fatherhood

His ex-wife made little contact with the family in the last decade, only visiting the boys once in a while in Kasarani, Nairobi when George was away. 
“My life was preoccupied with raising my sons and providing for their education and upkeep,” he says. 
“I have been struggling to raise my three sons since their biological mother abandoned them in 2010. It has been quite a journey: a decade of struggle, sacrifice, and never giving up.”
The twins are now in Form One while the last born is in Grade Eight. They have been in Othaya with their aunt since March when schools closed. 
“It has not been easy since I did not remarry. But, it is a personal decision I made so that I could focus on my children without anyone coming in between them and me,” he says. 
George adds that he could have gone back to his profession as a hotelier, but that would mean spending time away from his boys due to the demanding nature of the work. He peddles his wares in Mwiki, Kasarani where he also resides, and sometimes near Globe Cinema roundabout in Nairobi.
“I sacrificed my previous job so that I could be closer to them and nurture them to be responsible fathers in the future. God has been good to me; at least I can see the fruit of my effort. My boys make me proud; they have been performing well in school, and they are disciplined. We are friends-even brothers.”
To single fathers-either by choice or circumstances, George has this to say: 
“I know there are many single fathers out there, who like me, are quietly striving to raise their children. Do not give up.”

Refused to bow to pressure
In most African cultures, a man is likely to be considered incomplete, or worse, incapable of accomplishing something that is expected to come forth naturally. George, 42, doesn’t buy it. In the years since his marriage ended, he has been needled, pressured by family and peers to look for a mate- someone to help him and qualify him to be in the clan of men. However, that hasn’t bent a word he made to himself: he would only consider remarriage after his last born was out of primary school.
 “I don’t find anything wrong with taking that path. It does not make you a lesser man, and neither does it limit you in any way. You get to decide what is right and healthy for your children,” he reiterates.
George says that he is glad that despite the many hurdles and the pressure to take a different route, he is at a place where he knows his family will be all right. He foresees his boys striding out into the world with confidence, knowing that they have a father who loves them, the pain of growing up with an absent mother notwithstanding. 
He says it is the love the clan of four shares that has been the glue. The boys-now teenagers, are old enough to understand the circumstances of their current family setting.
“Do I wish my children could have grown up in a two-parent home? That would have been ideal, but life happens. As I said, I have done my part to fill in the gap. I couldn’t be prouder of my boys, and I am looking forward to a better life for the four of us.”

John Keen’s story

Many call blood pressure “the silent killer,” but its presence in John Keen’s life left him protesting loudly about losing his wife to it. 
He had never imagined that he would be left to raise his daughter by himself. 
His wife passed away when their daughter, Chanel, was only two years old. The memory of her death clouds his face with grief. 
“Babe, I will not make it, but you have to promise me that you will take care of the children,” he remembers her last words as she lay on her deathbed. 
She had an older child whom John also considered his own. 
He got agitated.” How could she say that?” he asked himself. 
“You are coming home; the children are waiting,” he reassured her, but she went on to tell him how she wished her things to be distributed.
 “Chanel takes all my shoes, and her sister takes all my clothes,” she said while smiling before going back to sleep.” 
That was the last conversation they had. 
The grief caught up with him in 2017, a year after his wife died. 
“I had travelled to Frankfurt, Germany, for work. On a weekend when my friends decided to go to Poland, I couldn’t join them. I locked myself in my room and cried for two days straight. I couldn’t take any food or watch TV.
“I sat and asked myself questions. I wondered what I would do with a small child. What if something happened while I was far away? 
“My world was crushing. I remembered the things that my wife used to do and began planning around that. I realised that no one was coming to offer a helping hand. I had to take care of my daughter,” he explains. 

Questions about her mum

He had to recalibrate his life to fill in the gap his wife had left for the sake of his daughter. 
CK, as he fondly refers to her, is now seven. Over the years, he’s had to listen and answer her questions about her mum.
“There’s one day I will never forget. We were driving to church. CK was four. She asked me if she is the reason her mother died, and if that is the reason she is not coming back. The question hurt me, but I explained to her in the best way I could,” he says. 

Raising a girl

John knows too well the challenges that many single dads encounter in raising girls. 
“When CK started school, I was in and out of the hospital because of UTI cases, and that worried me a lot. It was also a challenge when she needed to use the toilet in public places. It’s hard to get help, as we do not have children only toilets. Sometimes I had no choice but to take her to male toilets,”  he admits.
 Regardless of the challenges, John is a proud father. 
“CK is a blessing to me. She changed my life from the day God brought her to us in 2013. From birth, I could see she was, and still is a fighter. She is a brilliant girl, curious, a great negotiator and a fashionista full of surprises. She’s also very God-fearing. You would be amazed how many times she comes to me before bed asking that we pray. She is my best friend and has made me a better human being,” he admits. 

Luckiest toy in the world

 “Children can play with a toy today and forget about it tomorrow. They need you as their guardian all the time. Consider yourself the luckiest toy that your children will play and benefit from, all the days of their lives,” he says, adding that it is essential for every child to feel loved. 
As for whether he will remarry one day, John has this to say: 
“I always face this question; at some point, a dear friend told me that I have refused to move on. 
I find it funny sometimes as grief is a process with no timelines. It can take days or years to recover from the set back of death fully. After four years of being alone, life can get lonely and so yes, it is time for Chanel and me to have a companion and in good time, and God’s time a good person will come. We are both at a stage where we desire a mother and a wife in our lives as life must continue for the living.”
He also credits his long-term house help for helping ease the journey of parenting alone. 

Parenting alone? Here are some tips

According to Mr Fredrick Osolo, a single parent should work on him/herself so that they are comfortable with their single status no matter what caused it. 
“Whether it was a choice, spousal neglect, or widowhood, a single parent should come to the point of acceptance,” he says, adding that when one has accepted their marital status, questions from the society can be answered confidently.
The psychologist notes the importance of answering children’s questions honestly and responsibly.
“A parent should respond in a way that does not attack the other parent unfairly because the child can also be injured by the answer given. For example, suppose a child asks why the father did not take responsibility. In that case, the mother can explain that the relationship was riddled with issues. She should make the children understand that separation was the most appropriate path to undertake. Also, she should reassure the children that she will offer all they need to grow up to be dignified adults. They should also know that he will not deny them an opportunity to see their dad if they want to.
According to the expert, parents’ unresolved anger; resentment or frustration can be toxic and harmful to a child.
“That openness is respectful to a child because the single parent is not projecting his or her unfinished emotional business on the child,” he says.
The psychologist further notes the importance of identifying a child’s needs.
“When bringing up a child as a single parent, it is paramount that you identify the needs of the child, including survival, educational, developmental, spiritual, emotional, gender identity, among others.”
A therapist can help a parent think through these needs and figure out how they should be met developmentally. Mentors can also be brought in to meet some of the needs that a parent may not meet satisfactorily,” he says. 
He adds that psychological support helps in ensuring emotional baggage is handled early enough before it affects personal development.
According to the psychologist, surviving parents may opt to parent their children alone. Still, they should get mentors and role models for children of the opposite gender.
“A parent of the same gender as the child will help the child to go through a process of identification. This parent becomes the exemplar in modelling gender roles. The dad can get a female mentor for the girl child to help in the development of the child,” he says.
For parents who have moved on, Mr Osolo shares the importance of having a conversation with their children. 
“This becomes an opportunity for the child to communicate his or her fears regarding this possible remarriage. The child may fear that the parent getting remarried would mean losing the parent to the spouse he marries. This is not very comforting to the child. The conversation is important to have the trust secured,” he concludes. 
Mr Osolo is a psychologist with The Kenya Institute of Business and Counselling Studies (KIBCo)