Chemistry is simply that physical attraction that makes doing life with that person enjoyable.
Hi Zulu
I have been friends with this guy for a while now, and we are quite compatible. He recently asked me to marry him, but I don’t find him attractive or feel him. Is it advisable to overlook that one thing and marry him?
Some people say that feelings don't matter and that you should marry a good person when you find one, chemistry notwithstanding. These people argue that good people are scarce, and if you forego one because of something as trivial as chemistry, you will regret it.
Others argue that you should marry and learn to love the person later.
Still, others advocate that love grows with time. When you're the lady more so, they argue that you should find a man who loves you more than you love him. If he wants you in earnest, they say, you should gladly marry him. All you need to do is flow with him, and your heart will warm up to him with time.
All these notions are extremely misleading.
The reason you don't feel attracted to him in the first place is psychological. He just doesn't ignite your sexual chemistry. Plain and simple.
But why? If he's a good person in every aspect, why don't you develop that liking for him?
The reasons for this are deep and nuanced. Perhaps it's your personalities that are too similar. You have a lot in common such that there's no polarity. You're like parallel lines that have so much in common, but they never meet.
Personalities or temperaments are fixed things, and you can't change them. They're much like your DNA. You can learn some things and improve your life, but you can't alter the structure of your DNA.
If you marry this person, it'll be very convenient. You're already acquainted with them, and there are few surprises. Your families or your friends may already know each other, and they will be delighted to hear that you're getting married. It will strengthen your communities.
Marrying this person will be exciting in the beginning, but it'll soon become very exhausting.
Why? Because of low energy. Love is like an appetite. It's what makes things enjoyable.
There are many healthy dishes that you don't enjoy or like, just because of your tastes and preferences. It's the same with people. Someone can be very mature and loving, but they just don't fit your tastes and preferences.
Marrying someone who you don't feel and hoping that the chemistry will come later is like banking on something you're not sure will happen.
How important is chemistry anyway? Chemistry is simply that physical attraction that makes doing life with that person enjoyable. Without chemistry, for example, sex will feel like labour. You will never initiate it, and when you have to do it, you'll just endure it.
If the person loves you on their end, they'll feel rejected. And since they have done nothing wrong, what will you tell them? Nothing. You'll just avoid closeness and keep intimate moments as few as possible.
Your marriage will be reduced to the logistics centre. You'll get children and build careers, but you'll be living parallel lives.
You'll appear to be peaceful outwardly, but your hearts will be miles apart.
The person may be a perfect parent to the children and also perform their roles excellently. They will provide and be present, but your dialogues are dry and dead. You only talk about business or the children.
You'll secretly wish that they do something to justify a breakup, but that's not who they are. Some people go to the extent of setting their partner up or chatting with them with anonymous social media accounts just to lay a snare for them.
Sometimes, they will try harder to win you thinking the mistake is on their part, but you'll only be disgusted by their efforts. They can buy you gifts or take you to expensive places, but you'll always find a way to dodge closeness. You'll feign to be sick so they leave you alone. You'll bring the children around to distract yourself with them. Or you'll act like you're very busy with work, so you just pass the time.
Eventually, you'll start falling in love with other people since your heart is emotionally vacant. You'll struggle with emotional affairs and crushing on everyone except your partner.
Alternatively, you'll become paranoid about your partner cheating since you'll know that you don't satisfy them. Sometimes, you'll find yourself cheating on this side while they're cheating on the other side because there's no love between you.
Is this a life you'd like? Remember that society will call you petty or unrealistic. They will never acknowledge your problem as real.
The only solution is to marry someone who is both a good person and also your type in terms of chemistry.
You never have to choose between good character and good chemistry. You can find both in one person. Life has a way of giving you what you believe and insist on.
