Why I am a weary, jaded Christian wife

A smart fool, deafening silence, organised chaos are just a few examples of oxymoron. Other examples that may not at first appear oxymoronic because of overuse. We speak of abusive marriage, toxic love, peaceful demonstrator, brutal police, as if all these word combinations make sense. A marriage was created as a voluntary caring union, love is meant to be safe, a demonstrator is not at peace with the status quo and a police officer is to protect, to be humane, not brutal. The Maandamano images and first-hand accounts of those who experienced brutality and vandalism from both the protestors and police left me wondering on whose side was God in this situation. They all called on God to avenge on their behalf.

It is like our so-called Christian marriages that are anything but joyous. Toxic, hateful Christian marriages are the oxymoronic reality of today. We spiritualise physical matters and accuse the devil of waging war against marriage, yet we live in absolute disobedience against the precepts of a Christian marriage relationship. We are so foolish in our approach to the marriage that we think, if we wedded in a church building, then ours is a Christian marriage. A husband who should love his wife like Christ did – sacrificially – is so cruel towards her that even Satan is in awe.

We spiritualise abuse by advising couples to pray harder, fast longer and cast out the ‘demons of strife’ but leave out the root cause, hardheartedness, disobedience, pride, dishonesty. We ask wives to submit to the authority of their husband, grossly misrepresenting the Biblical command of servant leadership, support, love, and submission of couples each to the other.

We regurgitate damaging messages that are grounded in harmful cultural and patriarchal approaches instead of learning and applying sound-based research on human relationships that align to Christian teachings. In fact, Christians twist Biblical text to suit their world view in relation to marriage. We ignore that text that calls on us to work from the inside and transform at the individual level if we are to find healing, restoration, and enrichment of our marriage relationships. We pride ourselves on the gym memberships, the hiking excursions, and the punitive dieting, but shun any focus on our mental wellness.

We walk around with bleeding heart wounds, infecting those closest to us and passing on the inner pain, like a baton.

Our ‘Christian’ marriages fall on the wayside because we live pretentious lives, far from Christ-like. We are faithful church-goers, of course. We fight to get to church early, not because of the fellowship and spiritual chastisement and nourishment, but because we want to find a good parking spot. We clean up, look good, not because cleanliness is next to godliness but because we need to impress. We need to show our neighbour how well we are doing in life, and hopefully invoke envy in them.

Come Monday, we lay down the Christian façade and wear the Monday to Saturday garb. We engage in moral corruption- another oxymoron - justify our lifestyle and harbour pride, unkindness and hate in our hearts. We throw garbage anywhere and everywhere and expect other people to collect after us. We shop in high end malls without blinking but haggle with mama mboga selling her wares on the roadside until she sells her mangoes at a loss, because she does not imagine going home without unga.

We earn six-figure incomes and endless allowances but bring a poor man’s daughter from the village and pay her below the minimum wage for her domestic employment. She works 18 hours daily, with no day off or annual leave. We justify the low wage and slave like work conditions with such statements as, “Oh, she gets free meals and free accommodation.”

Some events in the last months have left me a weary and jaded Christian. I hope, like me, you can examine your every action and question yourself. Is my heart right when I give to charity? Do I do it in a manner that my left hand does not see, and not for accolades but because I am grateful and happy to bless another? I’m I fearful of God who sees the heart and reads the intent when I speak of another person?

When I am kind to the entire world but mean and unforgiving to my spouse, is that speaking Christianity to my children? However much I preach to them, even in the language of angels, they will see right through the insincerity in me, and this will not lead them to faith.

Karimi is a wife and mother who believes marriage is worth it.