Normal people live on love and peace.
Hello Benjamin,
My wife works in a different town from me. Lately, she has become very insecure. What shocked me most was when she accused me of having an affair with one of my senior colleagues, something I had never imagined. She refuses to reveal the source of these allegations and insists the report is true. I have tried to convince her of my innocence, but without success. I am exhausted. What should I do?
Dear reader
This is a disturbing situation, and it's likely to cause you many sleepless nights. Before long, you won't be able to focus on your work. You won't eat properly, and you will withdraw from social relationships. Stress will be written all over your face, and if you don't find a way to snap out of it, depression will follow. This is the darkest place you must avoid at all costs.
Understandably, working in different towns creates long stretches where each of you doesn’t see the others' daily lives. But why would she fill the gap with worst-case scenarios? If she already struggles with trust or self-esteem, the distance becomes a breeding ground for suspicion.
And no, the problem here is not her insecurity. If she loved and respected you, she would share her doubts openly and then move past them. But she isn’t doing that. By clinging to anonymous “sources” and hiding their identities, she is, in essence, choosing to believe others over you. Sadly, when someone stops choosing you, it means they no longer see you as necessary in their life. In that case, the healthier option may be to end things amicably and move on.
The second possibility of deliberate false accusations is a perfect narcissistic move to gain control. Narcissists hate peace because they are internally tormented themselves. Dominance and bullying are their emotional food. Normal people live on love and peace. Narcissists live on hatred and chaos.
What should you do in this case?
First, never throw that word narcissist at them.
They will punish you severely for even suggesting it. They will, nonetheless, call you a narcissist yourself. In fact, many victims first hear that term from the narcissists themselves.
You don't want a reluctant wife who leaves you working alone to sustain the union.
Instead, take a firm stand. Refuse to back down until the accusations are withdrawn. Cut off emotional and sexual intimacy during this standoff. They may try to enjoy the benefits of the relationship while still tormenting you, but once you allow that, you lose leverage. Hold your ground. If they retreat into silence or avoidance, stay consistent when they resurface.
If they call you unforgiving, vengeful, or petty, let them. Remember, they are testing the waters and starting a pattern. Sometimes, she could be the one cheating on the other end, and the accusation is meant to keep you so busy defending yourself that they never pay attention to her behaviour.
So, take a keen look at her moves as well. She may feign another crisis to bury this one, like falling sick or facing persecution in the workplace. Anything that will cause you to pity her. Do not fall for it. Help where possible, but maintain your stand until this issue is addressed.
Cut off emotional and sexual intimacy during this standoff.
Lastly, do not break the ice or beg for a solution. She started this, and she should be the one to end it. If the marriage drifts to a halt or an irreparable gap develops between you, so be it. You didn't kill it, and you should have no guilt except the natural grief of losing something you were genuinely invested in.
Once a person has gone from trusted soulmate to tormentor, you must protect yourself. You can invite them for counselling to discuss the matter with a therapist, but if they refuse, you should attend the session yourself to plan your way forward.
Whatever you do, do not back down and start covering up or faking peace. Peace is a precedent, and this tendency will never stop. You are better off nipping the problem in the bud.
'But what about my kids? Won't the breakup affect them too much?'
This is a sinking ship, and your partner is the one drilling holes in it. You must do everything to save your life. If you don't, you'll lose not only your marriage but your sanity or even your life.
As for the children, they need peace, too. The current state is very destabilising to them. Whether you end up in peace apart or together, you need it. Everyone needs it.
