Wife Speak: The magic formula of getting men to talk

Men are generally secretive. Women remain immensely curious about what goes on in a man’s mind, staring at the wall or when endlessly stirring a cup of tea.

A penny for your thoughts

“A penny for your thoughts,” I usually tell hubby when I find him far away in his thoughts.

“Make it 5K,” he says, after snapping back to the present. Of course, I never get to know what he was thinking about. I know he makes up a story for me when I persist.

Masters of the art

There are women who have learnt the art of making men talk. No, they do not torture them. They have their ways, their tricks, also known as their feminine wiles. They have perfected this magic to a tee. They use a complex combination of psychology and technology called manipulation.

And their men fall for it, hook line and sinker because men have their insufferable ego and an impaired sixth sense. Delilah used it on Samson. She made him his favourite meal, sat by him, caressed and squeezed his muscles and gazed into his eyes. What do you tell the strongest man? That he is the strongest? He already knows that. Delilah went for the jugular.

“If you love me, you will tell me the secret of your strength. How can anyone ever defeat you?”

Samson felt affirmed. Like he ever needed to be reaffirmed at all, the ego is ego, even on mighty Samson. It seems his sixth sense was screaming for him to shut up, get out and leave because he kept joking about his source of strength. However, he was enjoying lying on Delilah’s warm laps. She, on the other hand, knew exactly what she was doing. She applied the next process in this complex equation. “You are not serious about me. You are lying to me, yet you claim to love me? How can we even have a serious relationship?” Samson’s story, as we know, ended in premium tears.

During a couple’s meeting, the wives were put in a discussion group away from their husbands. One woman asked a question that we all desperately needed an answer to.

“Ladies, please share tips; how do I get my husband to listen to me and do exactly as I want without fighting about it?”

We all attempted to share ideas until one of us, shushing the rest whispered;

“Ladies, it is all about how and when you ask for what you want.” We all instinctively, like soldiers strategising, moved into a tighter circle until the husbands from the other end of the hall looked a tad worried.

Revert to formula

Our dear lady gave a step by step process of a formula of getting the men to open up, to do what we want them to and in the manner that we want them to do it. How to fix that shower he promised six months back? Revert to formula. Get him to wear dreadlocks if that’s your fancy? You know what to do ladies. We were smiling at this new magic formula until one of us piped out, “But, isn’t that all manipulation?” There was a hushed moment, before I jumped in with my opinion.

“Yeah, it sounds ungodly,” I said, even though I had already thought about how I was going to work on hubby – through the formula- so that he could do some three urgent chores.

Men do not get it at all that they are under manipulation. Their ego is their Achilles heel. Even other men manipulate them. The security guard calls you boss, mkubwa, mzito or mheshimiwa and you part with a fat tip. Liz works at a barbershop and makes more money than your average lecturer. She can straight away tell when a man has dyed his hair, but she never mentions it until he volunteers the information. It is then that she feigns absolute surprise.

“Ngai! I would never have known! It must be in your genes because you look very young.” She says this straight-faced, yet his very eyebrows are all but white. Her bank account continues to grow.

On the other hand, women are exceptionally discerning. They will know straight away if a compliment is insincere. A woman reads non-verbal cues better than the best detective the criminal department has to offer.

Karimi is a wife who believes in marriage. [email protected]