Positive comparison can instill values, help children improve their weaknesses, and encourage growth.
“Why can’t you be more like your brother, sister, or your cousin…?” Sound familiar?
This phrase echoes through many households and is often uttered without thinking of the impact such comparisons can have on children.
When done thoughtfully, comparisons can motivate and inspire, but if mismanaged, they can foster competition and resentment that lingers long after childhood.
Grace Owinga, Stephen Kibe, and Esther Mbau share their insights on family dynamics and the impact of comparison with Lifestyle.
Grace Owinga during an interview at Nation Centre in Nairobi on August 22, 2024.
Appreciate individuality
Grace Owinga, 62, An educationist
Grace Owinga, a 62-year-old educationist and a mother of three—aged 42, 38, and 33—acknowledges that she tends to compare her children.
“My middle child shares many of my traits—the way she carries herself, the way she does things—and I find myself leaning more towards her. But my firstborn also has unique qualities. She is very neat and organised, so when it comes to cleanliness, I often tell the other two to be like her.”
“And my lastborn is incredibly intelligent. He’s quiet, but whenever he talks, his words often come true, just as he predicted. So, as a mother, this comparison is very natural because of how we are wired,” Grace says.
Despite the natural tendency to compare, Grace notes it is important to recognise each child’s individuality.
"I've learned that all my children are achievers. So, I encourage them to complement each other and nurture them in a way that they don’t feel lesser within the family."
Grace admits to using comparison as a tool for correction, but she is careful to do it in a way that strengthens rather than divides.
"Sometimes I use comparison to correct my children, but I challenge my fellow parents to do it in a way that doesn’t make one child feel superior. Nurture them, and remember, when we compare our children, they also compare us with other parents. Ensure that comparison brings your family closer, not farther apart."
She is particularly mindful of avoiding external comparisons with other families.
"I don't like comparing my children with their cousins because I don’t want to break their spirit. So, I focus on internal comparison within our family."
In terms of comparing her children based on their personalities, talents, and how they handle chores, Grace admits this happens so often in her house.
"I use my firstborn as an example when it comes to chores. My secondborn has a beautiful heart, and my lastborn is an academician. My last born benefitted a lot by learning from his sister. He’s now the best cook in the family."
"My children are now independent because of the comparison. It wasn’t negative, so they never felt bad. I knew them, understood them, and supported them based on their personalities. I didn’t push my firstborn to get an A if it wasn’t in her nature, but through discipline, she has achieved so much in life."
Grace’s advice to fellow parents is clear: "Avoid comparing your children. Be present from the moment your child is in the womb and continue to be there after birth. Nurture them in a way that celebrates their individuality."
Stephen Kibe during an interview at Nation Centre in Nairobi on August 22, 2024.
Biblical principles
Stephen Kibe, 49, A Mechanic
Stephen Kibe, a 49-year-old mechanic and father of four, brings an interesting perspective to the topic.
He notes that fathers often blame their wives when a child misbehaves.
"As men, for example, when we see a child misbehaving, we might say, 'They take after their mother- you see this is also a comparison.”
Despite this common tendency, Kibe strives to avoid comparing his children.
"I try as much as possible to avoid internal comparison. I've caught myself comparing my children, but after self-reflection, I realise it's wrong, and I correct myself immediately."
Kibe views all his children as equals, a belief rooted in his Christian faith.
"My Christian background guides me. The Bible teaches that all children are a blessing from God and they are wired differently. Even when I'm upset, I remind myself that I, too, have flaws that might not please my children."
Kibe notes that he relies on his faith for guidance in parenting.
"I seek wisdom from God. Even though comparison exists in my family, I choose not to take that path. I raise my children with love."
He emphasizes the importance of treating all children fairly.
"In some families, a child might be favoured because they are named after a grandparent, but this can be toxic. It's crucial never to let your children feel that you love one more than the other. Be fair in your parenting,” he advises.
When Kibe feels anger building up, he takes a walk to clear his mind, which helps him maintain self-control.
He avoids comparing his children based on their personalities, talents, or how they perform household chores, recognizing that each child is unique.
However, when it comes to academics, Kibe makes a positive comparison.
"I check their reports and encourage them to be friends with the best performers. But I don’t compare them in terms of personality, talents, or chores because I know they are talented differently."
Kibe's approach to comparison is grounded in love and biblical principles, which he believes has positively impacted his children's academic performance. He encourages other parents to be there for their children, avoid comparisons, and give each child the attention they deserve.
Esther Mbau during an interview at Nation Centre in Nairobi on August 22, 2024.
Monkey see, monkey do
Esther Mbau, 40 A Counseling psychologist
As a mother of three children, Esther acknowledges that comparison is an inherent part of human nature.
"We are wired for survival, and part of that survival instinct is being competitive. Even children compare—for instance, if you give one child a red sweet and another a yellow one, they immediately start comparing. So, I agree that comparison is something deeply ingrained in us, as Mr. Kibe mentioned."
Esther delves deeper into the psychology behind comparison, noting that it is also tied to our ego.
"Our ego tells us we need to be better than others, which fuels comparison. But in psychology, we often discuss the nature versus nurture debate. While we may be biologically wired to compare, our upbringing also plays a significant role. If you grew up in a household where comparison was prevalent, you might likely continue that pattern as a parent unless you consciously work on it."
"Comparison is normal, but it’s not the 'what' that affects our children; it’s the 'how.' You can compare your children in a beneficial way or in a way that can be harmful. The key is to consider what you want to accomplish with the comparison."
Esther appreciates Mr Kibe's approach, where he strives to avoid comparison through self-reflection.
"In psychology, we always say that all your answers are within, not outside. If you are a reflective person, you can find a way to parent thoughtfully. But if you don’t reflect, you may unconsciously make decisions that you later regret, after the damage is already done."
She also supports Mrs. Owinga’s observation that parents tend to lean towards the easier children.
"We naturally avoid stress, so we gravitate towards the less challenging children, especially those who are similar to us. We understand ourselves better, and therefore it’s easier to relate to a child who is like us. But as a parent, you need to recognize that people are different, and so are your children."
Esther challenges the common expectation that children should be a "mini-me." "Even with fingerprints, our children don’t match us, so why do we expect them to be just like us? They haven’t gone through our experiences, weren’t born in the same circumstances, and aren’t being raised in the same way. That’s where the challenge lies.”
“But now that you know better, you need to start doing better. If you’re a parent and you feel you’ve made mistakes, forgive yourself. Parenting isn’t something you learn in school; it’s something you learn on the job, and sometimes life happens so fast that you make mistakes."
She explains that comparison can be used positively if done thoughtfully.
"For example, in my house, I compare how well the beds are made, using one child as a standard. But when it comes to academics or sports, I encourage my children to learn from each other’s strengths. Comparison shouldn’t be about putting one child down; it should be about building them up."
Esther also touches on the impact of circumstances on parenting.
"Not all parents see their children as a gift. The circumstances surrounding your child’s birth can dictate how you treat them. A child born under stressful circumstances may not receive the same parenting as one born during a joyful time. As a parent, it’s important to accept your children for who they are and not try to shape them into something they’re not. Don’t force your child to fulfil your unfulfilled dreams, like becoming a lawyer if that wasn’t their path."
She echoes Mr. Kibe’s advice on self-care for parents.
"If you are emotionally stable, you will raise emotionally stable children. Your children should know they are loved and accepted, even if they don’t always come out on top."
Esther believes that external comparison is not inherently bad as long as it’s done with the right intentions.
"You can use examples from other children, like cousins who excel in school or attend church regularly, to inspire your children. But always consider your child’s personality and the generation they belong to before making any comparisons."
She warns of the long-term effects of negative comparison, such as rejection, low self-esteem, and inferiority complexes.
Conversely, positive comparison can instill values, help children improve their weaknesses, and encourage growth.
In conclusion, Esther advises parents to be intentional in their approach. "Comparison should not be a tool to shape your children but should be used minimally and thoughtfully."
Comparison in a nutshell
Understand your child’s unique personality and capacity: Take your time to truly know your child—their strengths, weaknesses, and natural abilities. Encourage their best efforts without pushing them beyond their limits.
Respect your child’s individuality: Acknowledge that each child is unique, with their own set of talents and interests. Embrace their differences rather than trying to mould them into someone they’re not.
Use comparison as a tool for encouragement: When comparing, do so in a way that uplifts and motivates your child. Focus on positive reinforcement that builds their confidence and helps them grow.
Celebrate your child for who they are: Let your child develop into their person. Avoid the expectation that they should mirror your traits or fulfill your unfulfilled dreams. Instead, support their journey to becoming the best version of themselves.
