Don't mistake emotional entanglement for marriage

Columnist

Nation Media Group

What you need to know:

You got involved with a man who wasn't done with his first marriage yet. You didn't know how to cross-examine a prospect to know whether they have unloved or gotten over their former lovers yet.
Enter into new covenants with yourself to uphold your standards and never compromise just to be with someone. Design a good life for yourself and your child, both financially and socially.

Hi Benjamin,
Last year, I met a man who had separated from his wife in 2019. We dated and started living together in April this year.
Recently, I went through his phone and saw photos of him and his ex-wife together and some of her nudes.

I'm 32 and have one child from my last relationship. We haven’t formalised this relationship. I'm stressed, and I don't know what to do. Please help.

We can never think straight when we're emotionally wounded. We can never make rational decisions when we're bleeding from breakup and loss of identity.
You got involved with a man who wasn't done with his first marriage yet. You didn't know how to cross-examine a prospect to know whether they have unloved or gotten over their former lovers yet.
You didn't date right. You stooped to getting sexual with a man before formal marriage. You're still not married to him.
Whatever is not on paper is vapour. You have no certificate or covenant of marriage with him, and you can't claim him to be your husband before a court of law. This is just cohabitating and emotional entanglement.
You should take a U-turn before you get another child in this unsteady situation, and your life goes complicated beyond repair. Having two children with different men and never having been married to any is not a good CV in the dating market. You should stop and work on your healing.
The other mistake you're making is being so afraid to interpret obvious red flags and confront the man, perhaps because you're afraid of being alone again. Or you feel pressured to get married by hook or crook. Such a sense of desperation is always a sign that you've lost control of your life. It's like losing a bet and throwing in more money to try to redeem the one you lost, only to lose more. This culture trivialises great things like getting a child so nobody asks if you worked on yourself afterwards.
Nobody cares anymore about getting babies only inside the security of a formal marriage. Nowadays, people casually refer to extramarital affairs as baby daddy and baby mama. Yet the truth is that you can lose your trajectory of life for good by just getting a child at the wrong time and with the wrong person.
When you don't heal, you'll think a person is doing you a favour by accepting you with your child. You won't notice how many things are wrong with that person or how unprepared they are for marriage. You'll know you're ready for marriage when you want it, but you don't need it for survival.

This is what I suggest you do: When you find yourself in a ditch, you should stop digging. So, stop digging.
Be alone and take a year or two to work on your inner being. Heal. Unpack the past. Recount your decisions and see where you betrayed yourself.
Enter into new covenants with yourself to uphold your standards and never compromise just to be with someone. Design a good life for yourself and your child, both financially and socially.
Transform yourself into a happy woman who has reconciled with her life and found peace.
Live within your means and develop a plan for building financial security or wealth.
When you finally date from this healed and whole position, you'll search for love itself and not emotional dependency. You'll conduct dating as interviews for character analysis as opposed to mindless indulgence and unplanned entanglements.
Only from this position can you establish a marriage that will both fulfil you and stand the test of time.

Don't mistake emotional entanglement for marriage

What you need to know:

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