Is untidiness a deal breaker in marriage?

Hi Zulu

My husband and I have been married for five years now, we are in our late 30s. Right from the start, I noticed he had a problem with tidiness and personal hygiene. I thought it would change over time, but it has only gotten worse.  He can't pick up after himself. Often, he skips showering except after a night out. He grooms himself when leaving the house, but behind closed doors, it's chaos. Is it possible for him to change and be a good example to our children?

You noticed a problem right from the beginning, but you went along with it under the assumption that it would get solved down the line. This is the classical mistake of dating potential and promises rather than paying attention to the present.  Perhaps you even got him to promise that he would work on that issue. People can promise anything when they're in love, and you'll be more inclined to understand when you're also in love.

In truth, you'll find yourself stranded with the same problem that has, like most character issues, become worse with time.

The rule is that when we marry a person when they're doing something we don't like, that act of marrying them doesn't challenge them to change. It just makes them comfortable since you've demonstrated your willingness to compromise.

You may think you're entering an M.O.U or marrying them on condition that they change that issue, but in their mind, you've just permitted them to continue.

Verbal assurances mean nothing in the face of one act in the opposite direction. If you say you can't tolerate a person who doesn't shower but you still marry them, that act will be a hundred times more powerful than all your words.

There's a sense in which marriage is irreversible or at least the effects of it. If you spend years with a person and have children, for example, you can never reverse that.

Given this principle, you should be something of a perfectionist when it comes to choosing a partner. Not in the sense of being unrealistic or idealistic, but rather not compromising on important issues at all.

But how important is hygiene? Is it serious enough to fight over or even cause a breakup? After all, men have a reputation for generally being untidy. Society tends to excuse men and give them lots of leeway concerning grooming as opposed to women. If a man says he dropped a certain lady because she's dirty, society will agree with him. But if a woman says the same about a man, she'll be told that it's her duty to clean him up.

So, is hygiene a deal breaker? Yes and no. The answer is yes, depending on what level of cleanliness you need as a person to feel comfortable.

In other words, hygiene falls in a category of deal breakers called personal preferences. The first category is called universal principles. These are things like loyalty, communication, and accountability.

Personal preferences are those things that matter to you, but they're not necessarily agreed upon or even recognised by the rest of society. Other issues in that category are body height, intelligence, and education levels. These things may start as a whisper early in the relationship, but eventually, they become a deafening scream that you can't ignore.

If you summon a clan to adjudicate over this issue, the decision will be against you. They'll say you're petty or intolerant and admonish you to be more accommodating of your partner's weaknesses even as you're not perfect yourself.

This is a good point to distinguish between weaknesses and character flaws.

Weaknesses are human imperfections that everyone has, although they vary from person to person. Examples are forgetfulness, stage fright or social anxiety, phobias, and triggers from one's past. Most weaknesses stem from someone's personality type or their past trauma.

Character flaws, on the other hand, are cracks in the person's integrity. Much like a crack in the foundation of a building. Character flaws are usually intentional or within the person's control. Examples are lying, gossiping, financial mismanagement, and yes, poor hygiene.

Character flaws are harder to change because they involve accepting responsibility, which is always painful.

If someone refuses or neglects to manage their weakness or to do everything to keep it in check, it becomes a character flaw.

In a healthy marriage, there's no such thing as, 'That's just how I am.' Someone must be willing to say, 'How can I become better for us?'

What should be your response from here on?

You should treat this issue with the seriousness it deserves. You should declare it as intolerable and let him know that you're unable to put up with it anymore. You should register in his mind that you'll be forced to distance yourself from him if he can't change it.

Change is possible when someone is committed. People have turned their lives around to protect what they love.

The human mind can achieve anything when someone is determined. So don't buy into self-pity and false helplessness of saying, 'That's just the way I am. I can't change.'

If he wants this union, he'll do whatever it takes to turn around. If he doesn't, you'll know that you're the one who wanted the union more than him all along.

Will he become a good example for your children? You'll just have to watch and adjust accordingly. You can't force him. You can only watch.