What surprised me the most about my marriage: Eight women open up

They say love is blind, but marriage? Marriage hands you a pair of glasses—sometimes rose-tinted, other times crystal clear. Suddenly, you begin to see the detours, plot twists, and moments that leave you wondering, ‘why did no one prepare me for this?’

For most people, the idea of marriage is shaped by romantic movies, wedding vows, and dreamy Instagram posts. It’s all about love, partnership, and growing old together. But then, reality kicks in. You realise that love alone doesn't keep the house clean, pay the bills, or magically resolve conflicts.

You discover habits in your spouse that you swore you'd never tolerate. And the icing on the cake? You learn that communication isn't just about talking—it's about listening, understanding, and sometimes biting your tongue.

We asked a few women to tell us what shocked them most about their new unions, and here is what they had to say. Buckle up!

'Me' meets 'We' and compromise becomes the glue

Zuhura Kerenge, 32, got married in October 2019

When Zuhura got married in October 2019, she was filled with excitement and hope, certain that their love would overcome any challenge.

About two months after tying the knot, Zuhura recalls them being at a crossroads. They had the financial resources to either build their family home, which is what Zuhura wanted or start a new business as per her husband's wish.

“This situation required us both to compromise and in the end, my husband gave up his idea of starting the business to prioritise building the house, something I deeply appreciated,” she says.

While it is easy to stand on one's ground, Zuhura admits that sometimes they find it hard to meet in the middle and her husband has to take the lead in making the final decision.

"It is not always about getting my way but finding balance and peace," she adds.

And as they say, marriage is the only exam where you get the certificate before the test even begins. For Zuhura, that test on compromise came knocking again in 2020—only this time, it wasn't just a lesson. Like an elastic band, it was how far she could stretch to accommodate her husband's family traditions.

She says, “One of the most surprising challenges for me was navigating my husband's family traditions, particularly during difficult times like the loss of a close relative. In his family, it is common for relatives to visit during such times; unlike our tradition, to them, the focus shifts from the mourning ceremony to hosting and caring for guests.”

This tradition, although well-intentioned, left Zuhura feeling overwhelmed and uncertain. However, she adjusted (and still is) to her husband's dynamic, learning to balance her grieving with family expectations.
But seven years later, she has learned that marriage is about more than just love—it is a journey of growth, compromise, and understanding.

Childhood trauma – the skeleton in the closet

Wendy Maingi, 26, in her second year of marriage

They say that around the second year of marriage, the intoxicating euphoria of the honeymoon phase often begins to wane, making room for the sobering realities of everyday life together. The butterflies that once fluttered with every glance may settle, replaced by a deeper, more practical kind of love—one that requires patience, understanding, and conscious effort.

That was exactly what happened to Wendy Maingi, 26, in her second year of marriage—except it came with an unexpected twist just as she was on the verge of separation.

“My hubby had faced neglect, as well as physical and sexual abuse, that made him crave affirmation—appreciation, attention, and recognition. But what I gave was never enough. He had a deep void that he expected me to fill, and every time I fell short, he felt unsatisfied. In search of validation, he turned to unhealthy coping mechanisms—staying away from home, keeping the wrong company, and going to great lengths to please others at the expense of his family,” she reveals.

On her end, Wendy shares she had been diagnosed with anxiety disorder which she did not know how to manage. “I constantly waited for my husband to save me from the panic attacks that arose from conflicts and felt disappointed that he did not because he was processing what he was feeling as well. So, I got resentful and felt unloved.”

Their light bulb moment came when they sought therapy due to frequent fights that had made their home toxic. To their surprise, the therapist uncovered the root cause of their conflicts—a journey down memory lane revealed unresolved childhood trauma.

“It became clear that it was my responsibility to self-soothe, calm myself down, and learn anxiety management because human beings no matter how much they love us, are prone to fall short. From then on, we became gurus in processing our own emotions and healthily communicating them,” she says.

A wife should do…a husband should do…

Sheila Tele, 44, married 14 years

When Sheila Tele, 44, vowed to love her husband 14 years ago, she had been thoroughly "prepped" on how to be a good wife. Her husband had also received his fair share of advice.

But once they shut the door to their home after the wedding and honeymoon excitement, the primary school deskmates and close friends grew distant.

She says, “We got married straight from our parent's homes to ours and we were living off bad advice from others. Why do I call it bad? Because it was not us.

A big one hubby had heard so much of is ‘you are now the man of the house...’ so he dropped all play and became very serious.

Our fun dates stopped because hey… ‘serious people do not go to the movies at 11pm for the last show!’ I did not know this serious guy and I felt I had lost my friend.”

When they realised how limiting the advice they had been given was, Sheila and her husband came closer together and fast forward, she says, “It surprises me how much we both grow through seasons of having money or not, or when there is growth in our spiritual, body, and careers; and when it is limited.'

You may wonder why? Sheila proudly responds, “I married a kind man and I am grateful. We are currently childless and he has carried me even though he is carrying and bearing his own. He will read my body and act accordingly. If he sees I'm tired, he will bring food to bed. If I have the energy, we will hike. He takes care of me and is present emotionally, socially, and financially, and shields me from any kind of stress.

Every day regardless of how I look…even swollen like a puff adder because of the fertility drugs he still reminds me that I am the most beautiful woman he has ever met. We have our nasty days…we have aggravated fellowships (verbal misunderstandings) but at the end of the day we know we are not each other enemies and work things out from that angle.”

He was selfless…

Dorina Otwate, 29, married for five years

If you asked Dorina Otwate about marriage, one thing she would say is, “I found peace of mind in marriage.” Now five years in marriage, Dorina, 29, shares that her biggest surprise was having to pause her career progression to protect her marriage and family.

She never imagined reaching such a point, but after experiencing two ectopic pregnancies, seeing the true colours of people close to her, and noting her husband's selflessness, she made the difficult yet necessary decision to resign.

“I tried conceiving twice and they were all ectopic pregnancies which happened over three months. Before even healing from the first catastrophic ectopic pregnancy, I got a second one of which I had to undergo another surgery and my husband was with me through it all. He spent all days that I was hospitalised by my side.”

By then, Dorina had been promoted to dean at an international school and had just served for six months when she felt the pressure from work was too much.

“At the same time, I was on maternity leave with my three-month-old infant which made it difficult for me to juggle. So, I quit and my husband supported us through that season,” she says.

From different continents yet culturally aligned

Naomi Jacob, 31, married for one year

Having married a Caucasian American, Naomi Jacob's biggest surprise in the almost one year they have been legally married was how similar her Kikuyu culture is to her husband's, with far fewer differences than she had expected.

While the anchor is communicating whether on good days or bad ones and saying lots of ‘I am sorry,’ Naomi admits that she has seen how her religious influence, and social gatherings like weddings, family get-togethers, sports, and holiday days are quite similar to her husband's.

“We both value celebrations and the word of God owing to our backgrounds but we are now creating our micro-culture while respecting where we both came from. This is a clean slate and we are planning on incorporating bits and pieces as time moves on,” she says.

Fun for seven years, then about-turn

Viona Babu, married 13 years, divorced

When Viona Babu was getting married, she had not envisioned how fun marriage would be. She thought it would just be the normal wifely and husband duties but while it lasted she enjoyed their union.

“For the seven years, we worked together, sometimes cooked, and even did house chores together...we did almost everything together," she shares.

However, things suddenly changed, and her once-close friend turned against her. She says that by the 13th year of their marriage, her husband had changed completely, and what was binding us together became cumbersome to him.

“The cracks deepened when he stopped providing, had multiple affairs, and we were hardly communicating… but the straw that made me call it quits was when he physically assaulted me. I left and decided to choose my two children, mental being and well-being.”

See no evil, hear no evil

Diana Nyongesa, 38, married for 10 years

When Westlife wrote Us Against the World, they might as well have had Diana Nyongesa, 38, in mind—especially when she got married. In her heart, that song wasn't just lyrics; it was a promise, a vision of the love she hoped to build—one that would stand strong, no matter what came their way.

Then it came crumbling down. First was affairs right, left, and center, which Diana admits to overlooking while dating, hoping he would change.

“When he was paying my dowry, a lady called me to confirm if it was true because she had agreed to be his second wife until she got played,” she shares.

With such episodes continuing every single year, Diana says what is holding her back from leaving is their four children, though she admits having checked out psychologically.

“Recently, I got a message from a woman whom he was seeing, and when I asked, he told me that if I listen to the woman, I will break our home…so I did not respond to her because I chose peace, but I later came to find out they broke up.”

Additionally, Diana shares that she has resorted to being a spectator in her marriage. Sees whatever is going on but never confronts or quarrels with him. “I have healed, I am very happy, and I do feel good about myself. We still live together, but more like a brother and a sister. No intimacy at all… but it is like he plays a cat-and-mouse game with me. A week ago, he left home with a maroon t-shirt and came back with a yellow one.”

I never thought we would share responsibilities

Judith Atieno, 33, married for 14 years

When Judith Atieno, 33, got married, she envisioned a life where she wouldn't have to share responsibilities with her husband. However, the harsh reality set in during their seventh year of marriage.

Initially, she reveals that her husband took care of most responsibilities, including paying school fees, water, rent, and electricity, while also contributing to the shopping.

However, when his work contract ended, he had to take a lower-paying job, which meant Judith had to step in and share the financial burden.

“I'd have loved to use my money for my personal needs but now I have to share.”

wkanuri@ke.nationmedia.com​