Help me save my friend from alcoholism

Hello, my name is David. I have a friend who's is becoming a drunkard and it pains me a lot. He's much older than me and when I try to discuss his predicaments with him he simply ignores me but I hope when he gets your side of advice he's going to get some sense.

He was married but lost his family year's back. The wife got married and left with his child. He however hasn't disclosed to me what happened before they parted ways. When people ask where or how he spends his money since he doesn't have a family, it haunts him. The sad part is that he thinks by getting drunk he will wipe off his predicament. Sadly, He has resulted in taking alcohol with him at the place of work.  I hope through your help we can save him from this nightmare.

READER’S ADVICE

Your friend has to come out of the denial that he is completely dependent on alcohol in every facet of his life, and want to break free. If he is in denial (and alcoholism is a disease of great denial), then he will not benefit even from rehab.

Sermonising or scolding people for their behaviour may invite further resistance and denial. Instead, take a compassionate approach and show care and respect for the individual. Use nonjudgmental language and don't blame or criticise. Don't label the person as an alcoholic or demand that they seek treatment. State your concerns and encourage your loved one to be assessed by an addiction professional.

Fred lastborn Jausenge - UAE 🇦🇪

Two wrongs cannot make a right. Your friend is doing himself more harm than good. A number of people have always cheated themselves that by drinking, they can forget their predicaments or forget them. The opposite is the truth. What happens is that they get more miserable than before! The best way to deal with this is first to accept that it has happened, two is to adjust to the new norm and three is to advance. The problem is that many people live in denial which causes more harm than good. I hope your friend can be helped by this.

Rev Geoffrey Avudiko, Senior Pastor in Mitume P.A.G Church, Kitale.

Your friend appears to be in the midst of his life journey, just beginning his marriage. The loss of a family is not something to be taken lightly; it feels like losing one's entire future. He seems to be an ambitious, focused individual, perhaps even a perfectionist. The devastation of losing his family, which meant everything to him, has left him in turmoil. For someone like him, moving forward can feel pointless, leading him to believe there’s no reason to invest in anything. His daily routine has become a cycle of waking up, going to work, returning home, and merely hoping for another day. I suggest guiding him through the healing process of his loss and discussing a path forward. This approach may help him move away from alcohol.

James C Chesuban, Life Coach and Career Expert, Eldoret, Kenya.

EXPERT’S TAKE

It is a noble act to want to help a friend who has lost their way through the trials of life. However, there are things that are out of your control no matter how hard you attempt to change them. For there to be any chance of change it is important your friend acknowledges their problem and seeks the help they need. Alcohol is a common choice of short term relief to pressures and hurdles of life. In many cases it is self-inflicted. Despite his family predicament he has the choice of reforming himself but the question is whether he is interested in another path. What your friend needs urgently is rehab. He needs to seek professional help to begin his journey of recovery. 

Maurice Matheka, Relationship Counsellor

NEXT WEEK’S DILEMMA

I'm Shelton Busolo, a student at Rongo University. I've been dating this lady for five months now—she's 20, and I'm 21. Our relationship was going well, and the future looked promising. We understood each other, vibed perfectly, and trust kept us bonded. We even knew each other's phone passwords, read DMs, and were familiar with each other's friends. We checked on each other almost every day, spent weekends together, and even went to church as a couple.

But suddenly, everything changed. She started being rude, cut off our visits, and seemed uninterested whenever I went to see her. She would tell me she wanted to be alone or that she was too tired to talk. I did everything I could to fix things, but in the end, she told me she wasn't interested in the relationship anymore. The only reason she gave was, "Mamangu alinikataza nisikue na boyfriend."

I was shocked. To me, this felt childish—she's 20, old enough to make her own decisions. She confirmed that she wasn't leaving because I cheated or did anything wrong, but simply because she wanted to follow her own interests. I tried convincing her to reconsider, but her mind was already made up.

Now, I'm stressed because I love her and want her back. What should I do? Please help.

Are you facing a dilemma? To seek help or give advice, write to: satmag@ke.nationmedia.com