Dry spells are not the end of intimacy, but an opportunity to rebuild connection and understanding.
If you haven’t yet faced it, expect to be hit by a sexual dry spell one day. It is a period in your relationship when desire for sex is down and you go off sex for days, weeks or even months.
It is normal and should be expected in every long-term relationship and you should therefore know what to do when it rears its ugly head.
“So, what you mean is that we do not have a sex problem?” James asked frowning.
He had come to the Sexology Clinic with his wife, Doris, to be treated. In their late 30s, the couple had enjoyed a fulfilling sex life for the eight years of their marriage.
They had two children. They then went into a phase of what they described as laziness in bed when they just had no energy to initiate sex. This led to intimacy stopping and they had been off sex for three months.
“The doctor is not saying that we do not have a problem,” Doris interjected, “he is saying that couples get the dry spell issue often, I just want to know what brings it and how to treat it.”
Doris had been accusing James of infidelity. She blamed James of causing the dry spell.
“I have never seen a man who avoids sex,” she said, “women are the ones who occasionally do not want and have to be seduced into it, I may be wrong, but I need to be sure that James is not cheating on me.”
A sexual dry spell is however a couple’s rather than one party’s problems. It can stem from the dynamics of the relationship. If there is a push and pull in the relationship as often happens, for example, hard feelings accumulate, and the body shuts down sexually.
“The accusations and the calling of names are affecting me,” James said, “Doris has called me all manner of names since this problem started, it is not fair.”
In many cases it is not even anything to do with the relationship. It could be stress at work, money problems, troubles with children or parents’ sicknesses or even death. Any source of stress impacts your sex lives as a couple.
The assumption in all these cases is that there is no physical illness affecting the couple. In fact, that always needs to be ruled out through a medical examination and tests.
“We have not been examined, I think you need to do it,” James said.
“Trust me, we do not have any illness,” Doris replied, “but you can go ahead and do the examinations.”
I examined the couple and did several tests. Everything was normal. A deep dive into their social and work lives brought out multiple areas where stress could be arising from. There were difficulties with finances, stalling investments, sickness of parents, etc.
“Couples go through the challenges you are facing now in their day to day lives and sex does suffer,” I said, “your ability to wiggle out of these situations is what makes your relationship successful or otherwise.”
“Maybe you need to give us tips on how to navigate these complex issues,” James said.
For one, communicating about the situation is important. The communication however needs to enhance intimacy rather than worsen the situation.
Most couples get distressed when a dry spell happens and start insulting each other. Some stop talking to each other.
A sexual dry spell is an opportunity to discuss your sexual fantasies with your partner. It is a time to talk about what you enjoy about your sex lives.
Use the opportunity to appreciate your partner for loving you; remind each other of the time you met and what you felt. Tell them what you really appreciate about them.
Remember this is a sensitive time. Refuse the inner feeling of wanting to fight and insult. Be quick to say sorry.
This is also the time to broaden your definition of sex. Penetrative sex does not have to be the goal. Sensual activities are equally preferred at this time. As such, try creating a romantic environment. Be generous with romantic words. Hug freely. Massage and caress as opportunities arise.
Be at your best health wise and endeavour to improve your looks. Eat well and exercise. Dress well. Be at your best at bedtime. Make sure you go to bed together – there is serious temptation to avoid being in bed together when your partner is awake, and some people wait until their partners are asleep as a way of avoiding sex. Be conscious of this.
Bringing variety in your sex lives may also break the impasse. Break from routine. Try having a night out. Other venues beyond your usual bedroom could just jump start the passion. Variety also means a new style or something new that you have never tried.
Be careful to avoid overindulgence in alcohol and the use of drugs which can offer short-lived escape from reality.
Finally, seek help. Read self-help books. Attend relationship enrichment seminars. If all these do not ignite the fire, seek therapy.
“Allow us to try these tips before we resort to therapy,” James said to which Doris nodded to.
