I met two women this week with a similar story but very different life experiences. The first one, Laura, celebrated her 30th birthday last month and on the day of her birthday got a call from a shop in town to go and pick her birthday gift.
She is married with two children.
She went to pick her gift and to her amazement, it included car keys for a brand new BMW, a cheque of Sh500,000, a pack of assorted gold ornaments, a birthday cake and a birthday card. There was also an air ticket to Zanzibar. The message on the card read:
“This is just to let you know that I love you and I’m glad to offer you this small gift from the bottom of my heart on your 30th birthday. I will be with you on the plane to Zanzibar.”
She was amazed. She did not know how to handle the situation and asked the shopkeeper for the phone number of whoever had left the gifts.
Could it have been her husband? The husband was not that rich to gift her such pricey items on her birthday. She decided to call the number, anxious to know who it could be.
“I nearly fainted when I heard the voice on the phone,” she says, “it was my 70-year-old landlord!”
Laura was confused and annoyed. She felt this was disrespectful to her and her family. She left the gifts in the shop and told the shopkeeper to return them to the man.
Without disclosing to her husband what she had gone through, Laura convinced him that they needed to change houses. They moved out in two weeks. Laura feels so relieved to be out of the man’s environment.
For days before they relocated she felt scared, not knowing what the man would do to her after she turned down his advances.
As for Samantha, now 32, the story is different. She met this man two years ago when she was looking for a job. She had applied for a job in this company and went for the interview only to find that it was a one-man interview panel.
The man asked her out for coffee that evening and she innocently accepted. One thing led to another and in the end, Samantha had a job, a furnished apartment in Kileleshwa, a car and lavish vacation in Mombasa every month.
She left her boyfriend whom she had planned to marry. Her new catch was 75 and filthy rich. She enjoyed the life.
The man did not live with Samantha because he had a family. Once in a while he popped in for an hour or two in the evening then left for his house.
Samantha reports that despite this warning, the man would never touch a condom and always had unprotected sex with her.
Two weeks ago Samantha got fed up and told the man she was quitting the job. To her surprise, the man immediately confiscated the car keys and ordered her out of the house.
Unfortunately, Samantha never bothered to register the car or house in her name. She was suddenly homeless and without a car and job.
These two stories manifest a common sexual problem of our time: cross-generational transactional relationships. Many young women have found themselves in similar situations as Laura and Samantha.
While there may be serious social issues with cross-generational sex, the medical problems are even bigger. Given the power dynamics in such relationships, women are unable to negotiate for safe sex. Transmission of HIV has been found to easily happen in cross-generational sex.
Sex is predominantly unsafe but dare you conceive in such relationships and you will live to regret it. For most men the relationship is meant to last for only a while and nothing is to be permanent, so child bearing is a no-go zone. A number of women have been forced to procure abortions after conceiving in such relationships.
Women also report that they don’t enjoy sex in these relationships. They more or less act as sex vessels to be used at the whims of the man.
Some women also keep younger men they are in love with on the sides. Such illicit sexual arrangements are similarly risky.
However, the worst effect is the psychological trauma for women who choose to date much older men. The idea of having sex with someone of your father or grandfather’s age is traumatising.
In addition, the woman may feel enslaved since she is not allowed to freely associate with her friends. She may also end up gains nothing in the long run.
When such relationships end, the older men usually reclaim whatever they had offered. At that point, other men who were interested in relationships may have also moved on.
Laura, summarizes it quite well:
“These men use and dump you. They are heartless and merciless. They are literally destroying the lives of young women.”
Having learnt her lesson, Samantha warns young women not to fall victim to such toxic relationships.
“If they tempt you with goodies, with the aim of having sex with you, tell them to zip up or go to hell – where they belong!” she concludes.
