I desperately want to leave him, but I’m scared of avoiding him

I’m 27 and my boyfriend is 32. I'm struggling to leave my boyfriend of a little over two months. Every time I try to break up with him, he argues until I shut down. I’m terrible at expressing my feelings, and he always finds a way to convince me to stay, saying I’ve misinterpreted him or that things will get better. I fear ghosting him because he’s hinted that he might harm himself if I do. This situation is making me miserable, especially since I feel pressured into sex and am now scared to be alone with him. We also work in the same office, so avoiding him completely isn’t an option.

How can I get away from him without causing harm?

Magda, Kisumu​

READERS' ADVICE

You mentioned that you are struggling to leave your boyfriend, but you did not disclose the reason. Whatever it may be, I believe you have realised that you are no longer compatible. If your reason for leaving is genuine, his threats to harm himself should not hold you back. It is better to end a relationship now than to endure a troubled marriage later. Carefully evaluate your decision and move on. If your job allows for a transfer, I suggest you apply for one. In the future, it’s best to avoid office relationships altogether.

~ Rev Geoffrey Avudiko, Senior Pastor, Mitume P.A.G Church, Kitale

Magda, struggling means you are no longer in love and are ready to leave. Never hold yourself hostage for any reason. Your boyfriend feels insecure about the relationship, and his threats to harm himself if you leave suggest obsession rather than love. Do not give him false hope if you no longer see a future together. The best thing for both of you is honesty. Have a candid conversation with him and make it clear that you are ready to move on. Prolonging the breakup will only make things worse. He will be heartbroken, but in time, he will heal. Ensure you involve trusted friends and take every necessary precaution in case he turns violent.

~ D. Mutunga
From the school of life

The danger of staying in this kind of relationship is that it will only grow more toxic, fuelled by false hope that things will somehow change. The fact that you work together makes it harder, but you still have the option to sit him down and make him understand that you are leaving. His threats of self-harm are pure manipulation—his way of scaring you into staying. Do not let fear keep you in a situation that no longer serves you. Better a broken relationship than a broken marriage.

~ Juma Felix

EXPERT'S TAKE

It is evident from your story that he has manipulated you to the point where you question your own reasoning. Anyone who makes you miserable while convincing you to stay is a toxic force in your life. Right now, your choices are dictated by your concern for his well-being rather than your own. That is a decision you will come to regret. He is not your responsibility. Allowing him to control you through fear gives him the power to continue tormenting you.

Based on my experience with similar cases, the chances of him changing are extremely slim. Committing to him beyond this point is a gamble you should avoid. Whether you firmly communicate your decision or cut off all contact, you must end this relationship. If you don’t, he will break your spirit and turn you into someone you no longer recognise. Prioritise yourself and walk away.

~ Maurice Matheka, Relationship Counsellor

NEXT WEEK'S DILEMMA

I am 26, and I just received a message from a stranger claiming that my husband of three years has been cheating on me. He is 31 and, according to the message, has been unfaithful with a mutual friend since the beginning of our marriage. We had a big garden wedding, and I trusted him completely. I have no physical proof, but the message—sent by a random girl on Instagram—was disturbingly detailed.

I confronted his friends, and they all admitted they “didn’t know how to tell me.” I have never felt pain like this in my life. We have a two-year-old son together, and I don’t know how to process this betrayal. I am devastated and in desperate need of advice. What should I do?

Are you facing a dilemma? To seek help or give advice, write to: satmag@ke.nationmedia.com