Husband has left me, then I found out I'm pregnant after years of trying

I'm in a situation I never imagined possible. At 40, after years of heartbreaking fertility struggles and multiple miscarriages, my husband (35) suddenly left me over Christmas. We seemed perfectly happy – cuddling and intimate right until the day he announced his departure. He moved out on December 28th, leaving me so devastated that I ended up in hospital with a panic attack.

Our fertility journey had been particularly painful. For years, doctors wrongly blamed me for our inability to conceive, only to discover my husband's weed use had been affecting his sperm quality, causing my miscarriages. He quit smoking when we found out, but by then, my body had stopped menstruating for a year due to the hormonal trauma of multiple losses.

A month after he left, I discovered I was pregnant. While it's early days, I'm torn about what to do. Should I tell him now? And after his sudden abandonment – which he blamed on 'wanting to be alone' – I'm not even sure I want to reconcile. What would you do in my situation?

Christine, Thika

READERS' ADVICE

Take time to process your feelings about both the breakup and the pregnancy. It's crucial to reach emotional stability before making any major decisions. Consider confiding in a trusted friend, family member or counsellor who can provide support and help you evaluate your options. Whether to tell him is deeply personal – consider factors like potential co-parenting arrangements and your comfort with his involvement in your lives. Above all, prioritise your health and well-being.

Fred Lastborn, UAE

Your husband's departure likely stems from guilt after realising he was the source of your fertility challenges. If he learns of your pregnancy, he may well beg to return. The decision to welcome him back must be yours alone, as you know him best. Whatever you decide, protect yourself and your unborn child first.

Juma Felix

While we sympathise with your situation, we're also heartened that you have this chance to nurture new life. Build a strong support network of family members to help you through this pregnancy. Reintroducing your husband too quickly could cause undue stress for both you and the baby.

Drive Counselling Centre, Nakuru

Christine, I’m deeply sorry for the pain you're going through. Restoring yourself after a breakup is challenging but possible. It requires commitment and effort. If your husband's reason for the breakup is needing time alone, give him that time while keeping in touch. Acknowledge each partner's contribution to the issues and avoid placing blame solely on one person. Let him know you're pregnant and observe his response. If he's positive, consider restoring your marriage. If not, forgive yourself and him, and shift your focus to the present and your child's future. I pray for a successful pregnancy and for you to become the mother you've longed to be. Seek support from friends, family, or support groups as well.

D Mutunga

EXPERT'S TAKE

First, congratulations on your pregnancy. While the timing of your husband's departure is unfortunate, life rarely follows a straight path. Rather than pointing fingers, the practical approach is to understand why he left so suddenly. In my experience, people who appear perfectly happy can sometimes leave without warning.

I recommend informing him about the pregnancy – not to reconcile, but to be transparent about your situation. Request a calm conversation where he can explain his actions. While feeling hurt and betrayed is natural, avoid accusations if you want honest answers. You deserve to understand his reasoning – nothing more, nothing less.

Maurice Matheka, Relationship Counsellor

NEXT WEEK'S DILEMMA

I'm married with one child. Last year, my wife verbally abused my father. When informed, I insisted she apologise to my parents, but she refused. Since then, my love for her has been dying gradually. Recently, I reconnected with a former classmate whom I secretly admired in school. When we met after 10 years, she asked if I was married – which I didn't reveal, though she suspects from my social media. She admitted she still loves me, but we lack the environment to nurture our connection. I'm falling deeply for her, and she's planning to visit soon. Should I remain in a loveless marriage for my child's sake, or pursue this new relationship?

Boniface

Are you facing a dilemma? To seek help or give advice, write to: satmag@ke.nationmedia.com