Good morning, Zulu. I am really depressed in this marriage. I have been married for nine good years, and we have two girls, but my husband is always cheating on me. Every time we talk, he says he's sorry, but he still goes back. My heart is too heavy. I'm 32, and he is 36.
Zulu Answers
Your question is not just about marriage but about life itself. You feel lost, and you wonder what you did to deserve all this. How could you be so faithful and true yet someone repays you with so much betrayal? Why does he keep cheating, and what should you do about it? What about the children who are caught in the crossfire between the two of you? Lastly, moving forward, how can you make your love and marriage affair proof?
First of all, this man keeps cheating because that's who he is. That's his lifestyle of choice. It's very hard not to cheat. Self-restraint is not easy. It takes a lot of character to be faithful and to keep oneself from sleeping around. Loyalty is an expensive virtue, and many people can't afford it.
I hope you understand this so that you can change your expectations of people. You tend to think that just because he's married and you're faithful to him, then he should be faithful. That's completely irrelevant.
You married at only 23 when you were too young to understand the deeper issues of life. It was a risk you decided to take, and now you have to learn the hard way. Men only behave faithfully because that's a value in their personal life. It's never about the woman they're with.
That's why the purpose of dating should always be character analysis to find out the values the person lives by. Those values are the only reliable predictor of a person's behaviour.
People are not perfect, and even a loyal person can blunder and compromise. But even so, you must never discuss cheating more than once. If they fell once, that should be enough to let them learn their lessons and change. The moment they repeat it, it's no longer a mistake but a lifestyle decision.
You can forgive a mistake, but you must never condone a pattern. In other words, you got the wrong man. He's incapable of monogamy, and his apologies are nothing but routine things to get you to leave him alone.
What about the children? Won't they be too destabilised by the breakup? What if you can't afford to give them the same lifestyle by yourself and this man becomes uncooperative?
First of all, you're not initiating a breakup. This man already initiated it through his behaviour. You're doing damage control to avoid both you and the children sinking with this man. If you don't do anything, you will deteriorate into depression and diseases, both stress-related and STIs. The children, on the other hand, will have no stable parent left to look after them.
Even now, they're emotionally alone. The man is caught up in his affairs, and you're deep in distress yourself. As such, the damage is happening. The house is on fire. What you will do from here on will be damage control. You should leave immediately and set up a home for yourself.
Be at peace yourself and take care of your health. This way, the children will have at least one peaceful home they can come to. Whether you end up with most of the custody or not, this is a better situation for children than being tied up in that tension-filled home you're in currently. You should also get them to therapy so that they can process the changes and make sense of them.
Lastly, how can you avoid finding yourself in a situation like this? There's only one answer: always prepare for life before you pursue love. A life in which you can support yourself financially.
Have a definition of a peaceful life that does not include men and marriage. Stay single long enough to figure out survival by yourself. Learn to feed yourself and to manoeuvre life.
This will give you the confidence to walk away from situations that you don't like. You cannot negotiate a good marriage when you're not able to live without one. When you're desperate or stuck, you have no bargaining power. You can't say no.
So, moving forward, face life first and work out a lifestyle that's peaceful and stress free. Find healing and plan your future when you're alone. Then, seek a marriage that fits that vision. Dating should always be an interview, not an investment. Do not invest emotionally or financially while dating, or else you'll get stuck.
Maintain a no-strings-attached approach so that you can both pick small clues and walk away when you see red flags. In short, many people never learn enough about marriage before diving in.
This means that many can only learn through painful trial and error. Do not feel discouraged or alone. You're still young, and you have huge potential to build a very happy life both personally and in finding true love.
Benjamin Zulu, is a Kenyan licensed counsellor and life coach specialising in relationships.
