Trying to be polite in loving relationships doesn’t always work the way you expect. Because politeness can be ambiguous. In fact, it can even sound like sarcasm to a lover! And there’s a world of difference between being nice to your partner, and asking them to do stuff for you.
This is especially important for women, because wives in otherwise good marriages often get frustrated when their husbands don’t do what they ask. But that’s often because what women say and what men hear are two different things.
For example, men speak in short and simple sentences, while women use complex sentences with many layers of meaning, confusing their men with their ambiguities and subtleties.
So, if you want your husband to do something for you, then tell him what you want in a clear, direct and unambiguous request, like a man would. All their lives men ask clearly, expect compliance, and do what they’re told.
Women also assume that their needs are obvious, and expect men to provide them without being asked. But your man assumes he’s giving you all you need unless you ask for help. So you’re irritated because you’re not getting what you want. And he gets upset because you’re annoyed!
Women also use polite words like ‘could,’ when what they really mean is ‘will’. But when a man hears ‘Could you take the kids to school?’ he’s not even sure he’s being asked to do something! Worse still are phrases like ‘why can’t you’, or ‘you never’. He feels criticized for not having already done whatever it is you wanted. And so things don’t go well.
Many wives feel that ‘if I have to ask, it doesn’t count.’ So they resent having to ask, and their requests start sounding like demands. And husbands don’t respond well to resentment and demands.
Men also need to feel appreciated. So you’ve not only got to develop the right way of asking, you also have to express gratitude. Do it right, and everything will go well.
Women often express requests as suggestions, but to a man that’s just confusing. So resist the temptation to ask ‘Would you like to go out tonight?’ ‘Please will you take me out’ will get you what you want.
So ask directly, be brief, avoid ambiguity and show appreciation, even for the things that you think are your due! Avoid ‘could’ or ‘can’t’. And make a point of being grateful for any chores that he’s taken on, so you no longer have to ask. It’s surprisingly easy to take them for granted.
Make requests in a simple, business-like tone, and express your appreciation afterwards affectionately. Then your man will want to oblige you and feel good that you asked.
Because ‘love is not having to ask’ is just plain wrong! You do have to ask your husband for what you want. Be cynical about that if you like, but it soon becomes second nature. And it works.
