With all its stress and uncertainty, the last year has not exactly been good for intimacy. So, lots of couples say that these days they are making love far less often than they used to.
But not all of them. Despite everything, some couples are still just as intimate as ever.
Basically, you need the right perspective. Because a crisis decreases your desire by increasing your anxiety levels. But that is a two-way street, as intimacy is also one of the best possible ways to calm your anxieties! So remind yourself of how good it feels, and start deliberately planning to make love.
Though that can be quite a hard mind shift, because popular culture tells us that the best sex is all about spontaneity. But spontaneous desire is actually quite rare, especially for women. While almost everyone starts to feel aroused when something erotic is happening.
So if you ask successful long-term couples how they maintain their enthusiasm for one another, they will tell you that it does not just happen. That you must consciously set the scene. And that the real key, for both men and women, is actually skilful planning!
They will also tell you that there is loads of things you can do to increase the desire in a relationship. Especially anything new. And that it doesn’t even have to be anything amorous. Just something that gets your heart rate up.
So talk together about what turns you on. Your desires, fantasies and needs. And find other ways to raise your heart rate. You might not be able to go dancing in a crowd right now, but you can still do a YouTube workout together, or cuddle up and watch a scary movie. Because getting sweaty, excited or scared with your partner gets you both into the right mood.
It is also worth thinking about the stress you are experiencing. Because your body is built to deal with physical threats, like being stalked by a lion. A threat stimulates the release of chemicals which help you run faster or fight harder. And it is only after it’s completely gone that they return to normal.
The problem is that those flight or fight hormones also inhibit sexual arousal. Understandably, because your body needs you to be focused on getting away from the danger!
But modern stresses are more ambiguous than a lion, leaving your body unsure if the threat is really over. Like whether the money has reached your account. So it is worth finding something to complete the stress cycle. Like going for a run after work. Jogging away from today’s ambiguous threats tells your body that the danger is over until tomorrow. And sets the scene for intimacy.
And even if you’re still not feeling desire, you should still get tight. Because watching movies together, holding hands, caressing one another, getting ready for bed together and sleeping close all have their own benefits. And intensify and deepen the bond between you.
