Age gap riddle in Guardian and Esther’s love story

“Please shut your mouth until Jesus comes and let love win.”

That was the message from gospel artiste Guardian Angel (real name Audiphaxad Peter) to all who cannot meet his challenge of producing a script from God showing how his life will unfold.

It was part of his remarks as he discussed his relationship with 50-year-old Esther Musila, which the two made public recently.

They only met in March this year, but they are now madly in love (she calls herself Guardian’s angel) and are hinting at a marriage.

They have been the talk of the town because of their steep age difference — she turned 50 in May and has three children aged between 29 and 22, while Guardian is in his early 30s.

While many frown upon a union between people with such a large age gap, Guardian thinks an older wife will in fact take the marriage a step closer towards meeting the Biblical instructions in the epistle of Ephesians about a man loving his wife like Christ loves the Church.

“Give me two marriages: One marriage of an older man and one marriage of a younger man who is married to an older woman. The older man treats his woman like trash; but as far as the society is concerned, he’s older than the wife, so it is okay.”

Christ loves the Church

“The younger man treats this woman like a queen and loves her like Christ loves the Church. Which one do you prefer? Which one pleases God?” He posed as he spoke with comedian Jalang’o, his friend, in an interview streamed online on Wednesday.

In Guardian’s view, being in a relationship with an older woman means you will always pamper her: “It doesn’t matter how old you are. What matters is that you are doing as per the word of God.”

The award-winning artiste added that he is currently happier than he has ever been in his life, to mean he is not ready to let go of the relationship.

“What matters is: Am I a happy person? Is she a happy person? Are we doing the right thing?” He posed.

Speaking at the same interview, Esther noted that she had decided to pursue what makes her happy.

“There are many people who don’t get to 50, but I purposed and said this was going to be my year. I will do what Esther wants. I will make Esther happy. My kids are grown; the lastborn is 22 years. They are running their lives. I am still their mother, but as Esther, I have my life, which I want to live. So, I am living my life: My rules, my life. I am happy,” she said.

Have they thought about children? It is a generally accepted fact that from the age of 45, a woman’s ability to conceive starts to diminish as their menstrual cycle abates.

Guardian said he had heard that question of child-bearing from no less than a church minister.

“Funny (enough) a man of God called me to ask, ‘Will you really get children?’” he said.

Advanced age

The artiste scoffed at such line of thinking, wondering what society might say if he marries a younger woman who cannot conceive.

“Will I divorce her? No. Because of love. Love is the one that wins. Children are a blessing from God, and there are many children in Kenya today that we can raise. We have been raising some through Love Wins (his foundation). They must not be ours. We will raise those already born,” he said.

He even made reference to the Biblical Sarah, who conceived as a very advanced age, and had earlier stated that he has “suffered trying to please the church”.

“I did not know that I am not meant to please the church (and not) God,” he said.

The enduring message from that interview, the longest that Guardian has spoken about the controversial relationship and the only time Esther has commented on it, was that the two will not let societal norms come in the way of their relationship.

Guardian made it clear that he is not in it for the money, because he believes he has been making good cash from his music career. He says he found hope when he found Esther.

“If she had not come at that time, I was giving up on it. I would not be singing, because I had given up on it,” he said.

Esther, on the other hand, “discovered” Guardian through a song she heard on radio in March. So moved was she with the song that she contacted the host, Maina Kageni, who gave her further information about it. That is when she started googling about Guardian and discovered that she had in fact been a fan of some of his past songs without knowing who the singer was.

Maina organised their first meeting, and hardly did either of them know that that meeting on March 13, where they had lunch before parting ways, would later blossom into recording the gospel song Roho Yangu as a duet — the first Esther has ever recorded — and starting a relationship.

On Instagram, Guardian has been posting photos of him and Esther at various places; from restaurants to the gym.

They have evoked memories of other Kenyans who have been in such circumstances before, including Wambui Otieno, who was 67-years-old in 2003 when she wedded Peter Mbugua, who was 25. Their marriage lasted until 2011 when she died and a year later, Mbugua was locked out of their erstwhile matrimonial home.

There was also the infamous marriage in Kakamega County in 2014, where a 53-year-old woman moved in with a 27-year-old man in a debt settlement deal.

Across borders, there is the case of French President Emmanuel Macron, who is 42 and is married to his former teacher Brigitte, who is 67, and has three children.

Those examples fly in the face of a long-held view that the wife should ideally be half the husband’s age plus seven.

That theory, as reported by the Independent newspaper last year, was introduced by a 1901 book by French author and journalist Max O’Rell and furthered in a 1951 play titled The Moon is Blue.

Social psychologist Theresa DiDonato writes in the Psychology Today blog that the rule does not always fit into what is socially acceptable.

“The minimum age guideline seems to be more of a target (and more so for men than women),” she states.

So, should a steep age gap be a hindrance to marriage? Lifestyle got the perspectives of people from different backgrounds.

Tribal elders

Among the Abaluhya, the community where artiste Guardian comes from, it is something to frown upon when a man enters a relationship with an older woman.

According to Mzee Josphat Sakwa, the chairman of Kakamega County Council of Elders, the Luhya tradition has been that the youth marry among themselves and that those who are widowed marry among widows.

Mr Sakwa, 80, said Westernisation has rewritten those norms.

“There used to be control about the love; that there shouldn’t be marriage between people with very huge age differences.

“The Europeans had their own reasons. For us the Luhya, you were to marry at an age group close to yours,” he said.

One of the reasons why it is preferred that the man be older, he said, is because he should be the head of the house and as such he should be having more experience than the wife.

“In this case, the woman, who is more experienced, will lead the man,” he said.

But Mr Sakwa conceded that even if everyone were to oppose such a union, there is nothing in law that can stop it.

The same sentiments were shared by Mzee Kangori M’Thaara, the chairman of the Njuri Ncheke Council of Elders.

“If they love each other, that it is a love matter between them, I cannot stop them. Because these are adults who are in love, and it is their love. And I don’t know where they are coming from love-wise. Trying to intervene into some people’s relationship is not good, even among the blind, even among those who love each other,” said Mzee Kangori.

And according to Mzee Opiyo Otondi who chairs the Luo Council of Elders, age has typically not been a big determinant on whether or not a marriage should be allowed to continue, but the issue of children has ordinarily been considered.

“We never allowed that,” he said on the question of a bachelor marrying an elder woman who has children. “We would prefer those starting on a clean slate. If you go marry someone with children, life becomes a bit hard.”

Mr Opiyo also noted that the age-old practice of suitors introducing themselves to parents and having a mutual friend between a man and woman who are courting is no longer strictly observed.

“As you build your relationship with the woman, we have to look for someone who knows both the man and the woman, who will be the go-between. That helps us know about the man and the woman. That’s how our traditions are, so that if a marriage goes south, you can know how these people knew each other,” said Mr Opiyo.

“But nowadays we face problems because these two people meet out there, maybe at their workplace or at their place of studies, and you hear that they have entered a marriage,” he noted.

A scholar

Jesse Mugambi is a professor of Philosophy and Religious Studies at the University of Nairobi. We gave him a hypothetical example of a 30-year-old man seeking to marry a 40-year-old woman.

“This is not marriage in the normal sense. It’s cohabitation,” he shot back.

“The young man needs counselling. He should find a mate among his age mates,” added Prof Mugambi, 73.

In the lecturer’s view, the closer a man and his wife are in age, the better.

“The natural purpose of marriage is companionship. It is difficult for humans to enjoy real companionship in a relationship where the age difference is too big,” he said.

Cleric

Rev Kamau Thairu, a church minister with the Presbyterian Church under Pangani Parish, said he cannot object to a marriage between a man and an older woman.

“The problem here is not a problem of their capacities to love; it is a cultural problem. Such an arrangement upsets our cultural norm. We have always been used to an older man and a younger girl,” said the reverend.

“There are two aspects to a marriage, particularly for a Christian marriage:  The cultural and the spiritual. The cultural determines the age and the relations but the spiritual determines the number of spouses… The spiritual is what the Bible has taught: You can only have one spouse. It doesn’t indicate age.”

Judge

A case was filed at the High Court in Mombasa in 2014 where a man, identified in official law reporting as just NMM, sued his father, identified as NMM, for attempting to stop his marriage.

The 26-year-old had filed an intention to marry at the Attorney-General’s chambers but his father placed a caveat because the wife-to-be was older.

Lady Justice Maureen Odero handled the case where, interestingly, the man did not reply because he said it was improper to face his biological son in court.

The judge declared that however well-intended the father’s objection was, it could not stop the marriage.

“The applicant is well over 18 years old. As such, he is an adult and is entitled to make his own decisions. He does not require parental consent to marry.  There is no allegation that the applicant is married to any other woman. He does not lack legal capacity to marry,” she ruled.

“The objections of his father, though well-intended, cannot bar the applicant from charting his own course in life. I have found no legal basis for this caveat,” added the judge as she gave a nod for the wedding to proceed.

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