Good emotional intelligence is one of the keys to success in life. Leading to more friends, better relationships and better careers, so it makes sense to help your children improve theirs.
But there’s a limit to what you can do, so don’t stress over it because a lot of it is their genes, and much of the rest comes from the way they interact with their buddies.
Think of the way your kids pick up the latest slang from their schoolmates! But there’s still a lot you can do, especially when they’re very small.
And it’s worth it, because it will help them to resolve conflict, manage their own feelings and cope with the emotions of others.
They’ll also understand the differences between them and their friends better, and develop greater resilience.
Children need structure in their lives, so a good starting point is having consistent rules around the house, high expectations for their behaviour, and family rules on politeness and chores.
Dealing with negative emotions
Be a good role model, because they pay far more attention to what you’re doing than what you say.
Show them your values in the way you live your life, like being honest and kind. Show them how to put things right when you or they make a mistake.
Help your children to notice their own emotions and to be able to talk about them, by discussing the emotions of the characters in books, movies and TV shows.
That teaches them that others have the same kinds of feelings as they do, and helps them to build empathy.
Help them to deal with their negative emotions, like fear and frustration. And resist the urge to jump in anytime you see them struggling, because allowing them to learn from their difficulties will help them grow more confident, resilient and self-reliant.
Coach them by all means, but always taking over your child’s problem for them sends the message that they aren’t capable of doing it themselves.
Emotional and social skills
Modern society is becoming highly risk averse, and that’s resulted in children’s lives being hugely restricted. Think of all the adventures you had as a child, which our children are denied.
And that matters, because children who’ve never fallen are more likely to be afraid of heights as adults, for example.
So gradually let your children discover risks and dangers, and how to manage them for themselves.
It’s also important for kids to have plenty of unsupervised, unguided play, as this gives them the chance to practice emotional and social skills with their peers, without adult guidance. Like how to support a friend in need, or to negotiate a conflict.
Help them to develop the belief that they’re in control of their own lives. Help them to be more optimistic, and to believe in their own abilities.
One day, you’ll have the pleasure of seeing them going out on their own, as successful adults.
