Our relationships with our brothers and sisters can be the longest we ever have, but siblings are always in competition - for their parents’ attention, food, money... Which means that while some get on well together, many don’t.
So, how do you bring up your children to be friends?
There’s only so much you can do, because a lot depends on the children themselves. But children generally get on better in more organised families, when their parents are happy together, and have good relationships with them.
Sibling rivalry starts, of course, with the arrival of the second baby. That’s a huge adjustment for the older child, and reverting to babyish behaviour is common. Some older children even hit a new baby. React calmly if that happens, or you may make matters worse.
Put time aside to be alone with your older child, so they don’t have to constantly compete for your attention. Encourage them to help you look after the baby, and show your appreciation for their efforts. Try to stick to your older child’s routine. Consistent routines are important to children.
And treat all your kids fairly, showing them similar levels of affection, warmth, praise, and discipline.
Many children pick fights just to get your attention, so show them better ways to get it. Fights often start because they’re at different stages of development, so find everyone something they enjoy. Be aware of what triggers bickering, like hunger, boredom or tiredness, and try to limit the time they play together at such times. Perhaps encouraging them to do something on their own, or helping with an activity that always seems to go well.
Squabbles are inevitable, so become skillful at dealing with them. Limit your involvement if you see them sorting things out themselves, but if you do need to intervene, avoid taking sides and keep calm. Play a ‘coaching’ role, and encourage them to communicate their point of view calmly to one another.
Be aware of what’s going on between your children, even behind your back, and intervene if one of them is continually being mean or spiteful to another. Once kids reach adolescence, however, it’s better to encourage them to work out their arguments themselves, though you should still intervene if they can’t.
And be a good role model, because if you and your partner fight when you’re upset, this will definitely affect your children’s relationships. Parents always underestimate how much their children copy their behaviour.
But sibling relationships can also be highly constructive, preparing your children for the complexities of adult life. So the chances are that your children will eventually form good relationships with one another, despite their childhood squabbles, and that’s a goal worth encouraging because adult siblings can be a real source of comfort and support to each other. But the rivalry will always be there, so that at future family gatherings, your adult children will still watch to see whether you’re sharing out the food fairly!
