What do you do when your toddler falls over and won’t stop crying? Do you soothe his sobs or expect him to deal with it? Will he grow up a wimp if you console him? Or will you scar him for life if you don’t?
Many parents wonder whether they’re overprotecting their kids and creating a generation of children who can’t cope with adult life. Undoubtable, kids do need to develop resilience, perseverance, and independence.
But maybe there’s a middle ground? Because while it’s definitely a bad idea to overprotect your kids, they also need to feel that their parents are there for them. But also expect them to cope on their own.
So do comfort your children when they cry. Because the more certain kids are that their parents have got their back, the more confident and independent they become. So you’ll end up with kids who are more capable socially than parents who don’t support and reassure their children.
Children also need to express their emotions to learn how to deal with them, so the next time you’re embarrassed by your kid’s meltdown in the middle of the supermarket, comfort yourself with the thought that she has to experience strong emotions to learn how to handle them. Her outburst is good for her, so is helping her become more resilient, even if it’s embarrassing for you.
But if you always comfort and reassure your kids, how are they ever going to toughen up? The best approach is to acknowledge your children’s emotions and then to suggest ways for them to calm themselves down. Good approaches include teaching them how to distract themselves and to problem-solve. It won’t happen overnight, but they’ll gradually learn to cope with their difficulties better, and will become more socially competent.
Try a similar approach when your children bug you for help. Don’t ignore them or tell them to stop bothering you, but don’t do everything for them, either. Acknowledge their frustration: ‘I can see you’re really upset’ and then help them to come up with their own ideas for fixing things.
So comforting an upset kid is just fine - but you shouldn’t start comforting her before she gets upset! So when your child trips on the playground, don’t rush to her side yelling ‘Are you OK?!’ Because you’ll have seen kids looking towards their parents before deciding how to react to a fall. It’s called social referencing, and if you stay calm, they might, too. And at that moment, they’re learning to be more resilient.
Being a good model is another important part of raising emotionally resilient kids. And that doesn’t mean that you have to be calm all the time. Because it’s helpful for your kids to see you experiencing strong emotions and using your own coping strategies to deal with them. Kids learn how to navigate this crazy world by watching you, and it’s good for them if you’re occasionally a bit upset while you’re doing it!
