Loads of scary influencers insist we must manage our children’s lives 24/7. But that’s actually really bad for them! You do need to spend some time with them every day, of course, but after that, they’ll become more self-reliant and creative if they also have time to do their own thing.
But what you must do is have high expectations for your children’s behaviour, and their progress at school and set and enforce consistent rules around the house because kids need structure and motivation in their lives.
So keeping a watch on their homework and school marks sends a powerful message. Enforcing your family rules on politeness, kindness, tolerance, and chores sends another. Small children also start off wildly antisocial, and can be lazy and throw tantrums, so insist that they don’t hit each other and that they behave well. Gradually, your squabbling toddlers will become great kids.
After that, though, you can ease up. For example, your children will be motivated to study harder if they see you working, so all that time on your laptop’s actually good parenting! But they also need to be able to talk to you, so be sensitive to hints that they want to say something important, and give them your undivided attention for a few minutes.
It’s also enormously beneficial if the whole family eats together at mealtimes, because those dinnertime conversations with your children will alert you to any looming problems, like bad friends. And resist the temptation to give them a hard time whenever they’re telling you something, because then they’ll edit out the stuff you need to hear.
What you absolutely can’t do is be ‘friends’ with your children. You’re their parent, you should be warm and loving, of course, but good parenting also means being highly unpopular at times. Like when you insist they do their homework, or go to bed on time. Being ‘friends’ usually means being far too permissive, and that results in children who don’t do well as adults.
And don’t be overprotective. Kids need to gradually develop their independence, or they’ll never leave home!
Kids also get their standards from watching you, so show them your values in the way you live your life. Show them how you work hard and are resilient. Show them how you’re honest, polite and kind.
Fatherhood has also been greatly underestimated in recent times. Kids need to see their father interacting with other men and women, and with his family and spouse. Without seeing that, they have no idea how a man succeeds in life, or how relationships work.
Or how to treat a girlfriend, or what to look for in a husband. So if you’re a single mother, encourage your children to spend time around a male you admire. Your own father, perhaps, or a brother or uncle.
And relax. Even small children are already making their own way in life, so there’s only so much you can do!
