Here’s how to recover from a break-up 

Even when a relationship was awful, the break-up can still be painful. There’s a real sense of loss, and dealing with that can be very difficult. 

Fortunately, there’s a pattern to the recovery from a failed relationship, and even just knowing that makes everything a little easier.

Though the steps don’t always occur in the same order, some can get skipped or repeated, and it often feels like the heartache will never end. But it does.

Initially, you’re probably full of confusion and doubt. You wonder whether you were right to end the relationship, or whether your ex has really left. All that uncertainty’s perfectly normal. 

You endlessly rethink everything that happened, and go looking for explanations. You research narcissism, gaslighting, infidelity, ghosting… But try not to get too caught up in finding the reasons, because in the end they don’t help.

Things didn’t work out, that’s all that matters.

Distance yourself emotionally

Gradually though, you do start to make sense of what happened, even if you still feel bruised by it all. You notice yourself thinking about other things and spending less time re-running old conversations and trying to find their hidden meanings.

You start to distance yourself from your ex, both physically and emotionally. Maybe you have to stay in touch, for example, if you have children together. But you limit the conversations to what’s necessary and keep them emotionless and brief.

Your hurt gradually leads you to a better understanding of yourself. You acknowledge the mistakes you made during the relationship and stop blaming yourself for them.

You start reaching out to people you’ve lost touch with, and renewing old interests. You finally accept what’s happened, and begin to understand what it all meant. 

You think about how not to make the same mistakes again. You realise why you chose your ex and why things went wrong. And you identify the red flags that will warn you of a partner like that in the future.

You’re clearer about what you’ll be looking for in a future relationship, and develop more realistic expectations.

Reliable and trustworthy

In future, you watch for the signs that suggest that someone lacks integrity. You check how well a new date fits into your social circle, and how comfortable you are around theirs.

And you listen to your intuition and stop ignoring the feelings that say something’s up. They’re important and can save you a lot of trouble.

You focus your dating on the people you meet through work, family, friends, and shared interests. Because you already know quite a lot about them.

And you don’t get too close too soon. Not even kissing until you’re sure they’re reliable, trustworthy and available!

And you get to know them really well before slipping between the sheets, even when you really want to. Because successful couples take their time before having sex. Nearly half wait over a year. By this time they know they work well together.

And the stage is set for success.