No family’s ever perfect. Each has their faults, they all make mistakes, they have rows and drive us nuts sometimes, but our close family are still the only people we can truly trust in this world. They’re the foundation of our lives and always a part of us. In our genes and our memories. Even when we’re thousands of miles apart.
So, what can you do to make the best of the time you have with your family?
Start by prioritising them. Give them your time, understanding and forgiveness. Recognise that people get upset and take offence more quickly when times become difficult. They get crankier. Perhaps more controlling, more impatient.
Listen to every one of them, regardless of their age, because there isn’t only one way to see things. But in normal families it is always the adults who make the important decisions. Children don’t have the capacity to understand big issues, and they shouldn’t be asked to.
Rows are inevitable, but in the best families, the parents always remain calm. It is true, everyone loses it once in a while, but regularly? The children of parents who can’t control their moods grow up anxious and insecure.
But don’t feel guilty about arguing in the presence of your children. It is good for them to see you resolving conflicts and making up. You’re showing them that people in good relationships can disagree and yet still love one another.
Rows can also draw families closer, as long as everyone listens and figures out what the argument was really about. Because there’s usually a deeper cause, so quietly talk out the issues after the dust has settled.
And every family struggles saying no to teenagers. It’s draining and easy to give in, but setting clear boundaries regarding friends, alcohol, drugs and curfews is important. Listen to them, and try to be flexible when appropriate, but if your decision is still no, then stick to your guns, even though they won’t always obey you! Teens are programmed to push back against their parents as they work towards finding their place in the world.
Children always fight for their parent’s love and attention, striving to succeed in their eyes and constantly seeking approval, so make sure that all your children feel loved, even when they’re being really annoying. And resist the temptation to label them: ‘the troublemaker’, ‘the A student’, because the underlying ideas: ‘I’m bad’, ‘I always have to win’, become part of their identity and can be damaging in their adult lives.
Sometimes an older adolescent or adult stops getting along with the rest of the family. It’s a painful living loss and hard to come to terms with. Fight hard for the relationship until you can do no more. Then let them go, and live with things as they are.
Above all, listen to one another and value your differences because that is one of the reasons families are so important--because they’re stronger and wiser than any of us on our own.
