Finding love is one of our greatest challenges. That deep, fulfilling connection that brings meaning to our lives.
And it’s so easily lost, for example through infidelity. But more often it fades away quietly, through a host of small, everyday mistakes that chip away at a marriage.
So couples often seem happy, but beneath the surface there are cracks. Small, repeated moments of disconnection.
These aren’t dramatic fights. But they’re words laced with frustration or defensiveness. Dismissive remarks, or distracted ‘mmms’ instead of listening. Each one a missed opportunity for a connection, leaving one of you feeling unheard. Until gradually the foundations of your relationship erode.
Maybe you trash talk your partner behind their back? That not only shows a lack of respect for them, but it also means they can’t trust you to keep your married life confidential. It also implies that you’re focused on your partner’s weaknesses, instead of enjoying the things they’re doing right.
Many couples fail because each thinks there’s only one way to see the world. Instead, accept and understand your partner’s point of view, even if you don’t always agree with it.
Ambushing your partner with difficult issues is another mistake, or suddenly creating huge rows from nothing. Women do that the most, because they’re much more likely to go with their feelings and to raise issues forcefully. But ambushing one another means you’ll soon be unable to talk openly and honestly together. Every conversation walking on eggshells, for fear of triggering yet another row.
It’s not that couples don’t love one another, but they often fail to nurture their love. They don’t realise how important it is to feel truly connected, and to repair feelings after a conflict, or to understand and meet each other’s needs.
Because relationships don’t thrive by chance. They flourish when we make a conscious effort to connect and understand one another. And to be there proactively for one another, even when that’s difficult. And to develop the skills to focus on what truly matters.
For example by agreeing on a time to discuss difficult issues. So you both come prepared, and in the right frame of mind. Leaving the rest of the time to talk about the good stuff, without having to worry that an argument might start.
Because it’s the little moments that make a relationship strong. How you greet your partner when they come home. The tone of voice you use when you’re frustrated. Listening to your spouse in a way that tells them that what they’re saying matters, even when you don’t fully understand what they mean.
Skills like these are very learnable. And you should learn them, because when you approach love with focus and skill, then you’re going to succeed.
It all comes down to a simple idea. Lasting relationships require thoughtfulness, determination, understanding and skill. Only then can you sustain love for a lifetime. And that’s one of the greatest achievements anyone can wish for.
