Most couples hardly notice each other’s attempts to communicate. Many totally ignore one another, some hardly ever spend time together, and few truly give one another their undivided attention
When you fell in love you imagined you’d be together for ever, but couples do often part company, yet there’s nothing complicated about staying in love.
This is because maintaining the connection between you and your spouse is mostly about how you respond to one another. It’s all about the thousands of times when one of you asks for the other’s attention, and how the other one responds in those moments.
Getting that right is one of the most overlooked skills in a successful relationship. Probably because no-one ever tells us about it! Most couples hardly notice each other’s attempts to communicate. Many totally ignore one another, some hardly ever spend time together, and few truly give one another their undivided attention.
So make a point of spending at least half an hour together each day, with no distractions, no phones and no kids. You can spread those minutes out if you like, or pile them all into one session just before bedtime.
Create a shared language of attentive affection. Special touches, inside jokes, pet names and playful teasing. Listen deeply to each other, and not just to the words you hear. Feel the emotions behind them.
Make being together fun, because highly successful couples laugh a lot together, even when they’re discussing really difficult subjects. Because if you’re being heard and understood, and having fun at the same time, then you’ll feel happy, loved, and supported. And stay deeply connected.
Think especially about how you listen to one another, because many couples hardly ever do. So give each other your full attention: face one another, put your phones aside, and listen intently to every word.
You also never really fully know your partner, no matter how long you spend together. They will always have memories you know nothing about, so build the love between you by exploring them. What were the happiest / saddest / scariest moments of your childhood? Why do you believe what you believe? Who’s been the most important influence on your life? What are your personal goals for this year? How can I help you achieve them?
And of course, you should also share your own memories, goals and dreams with your partner.
You’ll be more deeply connected if you share the same outlook on life, so create a shared story about what’s important to you. Talk together about your ideas, values and goals, and all the things that are right about each other, rather than nit-picking over your bad habits and personality traits. Talk about your deeply held beliefs and try to share them, or at least understand and respect your differences.
You also need to take every opportunity to show your spouse that you’ll always protect their feelings, keep their intimate details secret, and avoid friends who lead you astray or give you bad advice.
So decide you truly want to be close, and demonstrate that every day by responding every time your partner asks for your attention.
