In the past, no-one decided who to marry on their own. Your family and community would all be involved. Nowadays we are expected to make that choice on our own, and it’s quite a responsibility. Especially with so many potential partners to choose from.
So, how can you be sure you’re with the one?
Start with your arguments. You don’t argue? Then that person is not the one. One of you is being a doormat. All successful couples fight, and your quarrels are really telling, because you learn a lot about someone when they’re under pressure. Do you feel listened to or does your partner try to minimise your feelings? Do they take responsibility for their share of the problem? And show real interest in working on it?
You should feel comfortable speaking openly in a fight. Because if you can both be real with one another, then that’s a good sign you’re building a strong relationship. Forgive each other if you don’t get your arguments right first time. But worry if your partner doesn’t follow up on his or her promises. Or if they say they can’t change. Or they aren’t being honest with you. They’re also not the one.
You shouldn’t try to change one another. When you’re with the one, you’ll both be happily showing each other your real selves, instead of endlessly wishing things were different.
People in poor relationships often can’t see their partner’s faults for what they are, so trust your gut feelings if you’ve started wondering whether everything’s really the way you want. Listen carefully if loved ones express doubts about your partner, and let the people closest to you help you decide.
Do you have moments of joy? Is it exciting being together? Does your partner know to make their way to your side across a crowded room, just because you’re standing alone? Are they the first person you want to share your latest news with? Can your partner also calm you when you’re stressed? Do you squeeze each other’s hands that little bit tighter, walking home late through a noisy crowd?
Couples who’re right for each other develop a good balance between getting their emotional needs met, and coping with the in real life practicalities of living together. They work co-operatively towards solutions rather than dwell on conflict and problems. They support each other when times are tough.
Because love is not a state of permanent passion. So if you both know you mess up on occasion, and can admit it to one another, then you’re probably with the one. Because true love isn’t really about finding someone who’s chemistry is a perfect match. It’s much more about learning to tolerate the imperfections, and navigating your incompatibilities with compassion.
We’re told that with the one, there won’t be any problems. But that never happens. There isn’t any such thing as a perfect partner. Every successful relationship starts with two very different people. Who then create something unique together.
