The things we say and do can be astonishingly difficult to interpret. Even a simple word like ‘yes’ can have many different meanings depending on how you say it. From enthusiastic agreement ‘I’d love to!’ to grudging acceptance ‘I hear you.’
And yet we mostly figure each other out effortlessly. We spot the hidden meanings in every sentence, sympathise with each other’s problems, enjoy our shared interests and seek friendship.
That understanding is all driven by built-in processes that usually work very well. But they can let you down. That’s mostly because you need to be able to make judgements about any new people you meet very rapidly. Should we do business? Shall we date? Choices like these can change your life, and are so important that your brain’s wired up to make them very quickly, within just a few seconds. That’s good going when you think about all the factors that have to be taken into account.
Because it’s much better to be 70 percent right in a few seconds rather than 100 percent right a day later. By which time your new friend’s run off with your money! So your brain takes shortcuts.
These take the form of an entirely subconscious map of how you expect people to behave. Including people you know well, like your partner. You interpret what they say or do from your experience of their preferences, moods and so on. But maybe these have changed, and you’ve not noticed? So if you react to something your partner says in the same old way, you’ll be wrong.
Or maybe part of how you work out what your partner means is actually based on stuff from your own past, like a previous relationship for example. Your ex let you down, so when your partner says something that subconsciously reminds you of your ex, you begin to get suspicious. Even though they had no intention of hurting you at all.
So resist the urge to react too quickly to something your partner’s said. Because it’s possible you’ve misjudged their words. Instead of assuming they’re criticising you, for example, ask yourself whether they intended to be funny. Try reacting as if what you heard is always the nicest of all the possibilities.
You might be wrong of course, but chances are your partner will get into the spirit of your response anyway. Or if it was definitely a barbed comment, try ignoring it completely, or saying something neutral like ‘OK, I’ll think about that.’ React like that, and the moment will probably pass. Whereas if you rise to the bait, you’ll just end up in a fight.
So, trying to imagine the assumptions you’re making about what your partner’s thinking is a good strategy, because they really might not be thinking what you think they are. And reacting as if they’re always trying to be nice to you means you’ll get along better!
