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You don’t have to kiss every frog
PHOTO | FOTOSEARCH Choosing to hop from partner to partner is choosing to be hurt.
What you need to know:
- When you tear away at other people’s hearts you suffer the same fate or worse
I have heard this question many times: “Why should I sit and wait for someone who will only look my way after sowing their wild oats? Is it fair?”
This is a difficult question and I have never had an answer to it. It brings home the reality that “sampling” as many partners as possible appears to be the official policy in modern relationships. Unfortunately for many, the truth dawns late, when a lot of damage has already been caused to self and others. Here are a few thoughts to consider.
The idea that one has to kiss frogs has been responsible for many broken relationships, especially among the younger generations. The adage stands true: one often has to kiss some frogs before finding their prince or princess. But this does not have to be forced or considered as the ideal situation.
See the signs
The one natural consequence of this attitude is that commitment is given a wide berth. People with such an attitude for instance, give little chance to conflict resolutions and will leave based on the flimsiest of excuses.
Furthermore, they do not seem interested in a growing relationship and any attempts at developing depth will be rebutted as interference with “personal space”.
The most painful bit about this approach is the fact that it is sometimes impossible to match individuals who are done with their share of roaming and want to settle down.
Is there a different way? Yes, there is!
Know the rules
If you get nothing else from this piece, please get this. Choosing to “sample” is choosing to be “sampled”. Choosing to deliberately hop from one relationship to another with no intention of staying is choosing to be hurt and broken. Many are cheated by their young age and think that they still have a lot of time but trust me, that is a fallacy that will soon give way to despondency.
Set standards
Build confidence in yourself by having principles that you will always stand up for, no matter what happens. These will become your sieve and will help you to identify potential hoppers before they take you for a ride and leave you “kwa mataa”. Such standards include the issue of financial implications, the place of sex in the relationship, and respect for you as a person as opposed to what you can offer.
Another great advantage of this approach is that is that a hopper can be “captured” by being helped to see the pointlessness of “roaming”. Many people are in happy relationships today because their partners made them realise their real need. (Any confessions?)
Leave the race
When does one stop and settle down? Many join in this rat race thinking it will come to a natural stop at some point in life. But the truth is that it never does; instead, tired rats drop off as more energetic ones join in! Don’t wait until you drop out off the race because it might be too late.
I love to use the example of a barbed arrow that is used to depict love in the Greek mythology. Once it pierces, it can never come off clean; it always tears and carries with it some pieces of flesh.
Every relationship you enter into will affect your life in some way. Neither should you be the one tearing away at others hearts because in the process you suffer the same fate or worse.
The writer is a counsellor. Do you have a question? Write to [email protected]
