Bridal showers will not teach you anything about sex

“What is sex?” asked the workshop facilitator, catching us off guard, throwing us into a state of righteous embarrassment. She was met with an uncomfortable silence, before someone managed a giggle and a hand went up, rather limply.

“It is what happens when…when…you put a man and a woman together in a dark room.” There was a burst of laughter as we finally looked at the facilitator expectantly.

“Oh well, if you put it that way, but I was actually expecting someone to define sex as the state of being either male or female.”

It was an effective ice breaker for a topic that is considered taboo, even in marriage. In fact, it is only during bridal showers that sex is discussed, though I think bridal showers are overrated.

Let me not even start on the stag nights. Bridal showers are immensely fun, if, and only if, they are a celebration of girlfriends, exchanging of gifts and wishing their soon-to-be-married friend happiness in the next chapter of her life.

However, if a couple has not gone through comprehensive premarital counselling, then there will be nothing at the bridal shower that will prepare them for the reality of marriage, leave alone the erotic side of it.

HIGHLIGHT OF BRIDAL SHOWERS

The highlight of the bridal showers held today is usually the main speaker, an older woman, preferably from the Coast, who comes in carrying a Swahili stool and an assortment of tools, which she promises will be a delight to you and your husband-to-be. She will then spend the rest of the evening demonstrating embarrassing ‘skills’ a woman needs, to partake of the joys of the marital bed.

By all means, learn all you can about enjoying sex within marriage.

It is after all one of the main reasons you got married, whether you want to admit it or not. We all have an innate need for it, and ideally, with one loving partner.

The reality though, is that to actually get to experience the complete joy of this very important aspect of marriage, other factors must be considered, which I cannot exhaust here.

My friend Betty was almost kicked out of a bridal shower during a demonstration with the famous stool because she pointed out that, there was no way the bride would use that stool if, for example, she did not feel an emotional bond with her husband. Basically, an unhappy wife and that stool simply would not gel. Now, I imagine, the groom was somewhere at a scandalous stag party gathering all sorts of warped information about sex. 

I read a report saying that the highest rate of new HIV infections is happening within marriage. I do not have all the facts about this, but it tells me something.

Since most sexually transmitted infections are through sex, then it would mean married couples are having sex with other people, other than their spouse.

It will not matter how many positions and erotic moves we pick from bridal showers, if you do not learn how to communicate your needs to each other, chances are, a newly-wed husband will come sauntering in, proclaiming that he knows what women like. Which women? Just because a past flame liked her toes nibbled does not mean your wife will fancy that. We are each as different as day and night.

Through upbringing, we have been made to view sex as bad, yet we were created sexual beings, and human life as we know can only survive through this one act.

Unfortunately, some couples view sex as something that is thrilling only if it is illicit. I think a lot of people need therapy and lots of prayers!

A reader seeking advice told me that his marriage is akin to a convent, where abstinence is expected. That is disastrous in marriage.