Since their son was born eight years ago, James Njue, 35, has lived a life of quiet desperation.
The day his wife came from hospital with their bundle of joy marked the beginning of the end of intimacy between him and his wife. Lying between his mother and father for three years, the child literary came between them, making it almost impossible for the couple to get intimate in any way.
Nevertheless, even in the severely restricted circumstances, James and his wife somehow managed to make another baby, which was enough reason for their firstborn to move out of their marital bed to make way for the newborn.
It was not easy, but they were firm with the boy and he eventually settled into his own bed in a different room. James immediately bought a cot, hopeful that his wife would promptly place the new baby into it during bedtime, but no, she preferred to have the baby next to her. She explained that it was easier for her to nurse the baby and that it would be good for bonding.
“Most men, like me, understand that a newborn needs its mother, but as he grows up, we expect that he will at least move out of the bed and into his own cot, if not out of our bedroom. Unfortunately, women like my wife will never agree even though it is a major cause of conflict in many marriages,” James says.
He adds that if it was up to him, his children would never have got into his bed for even one day.
As it is, his firstborn son moved out of their bed when he turned three, only for his little brother, who is now five, to promptly take his place. The second-born is yet to move to his own bed.
Robert Njue is sailing in the same boat as James. The father-of-two says that for seven years, he has been suffering silently, thanks to his wife, who insists on sharing their bed with their three-year-old son.
“She claims that he can’t fall asleep unless she cuddles him. By the time he falls asleep in his mother’s arms, I am usually dead asleep,” he says.
He adds that since he does not want to start a fight, he leaves the matter alone.
Before their second-born came along, they had his firstborn son, now four, for company. The frustration he has gone through still haunts him so much that he does not desire a third child.
“I had wanted three children, but when I imagine how much of an intimacy-killer a third child will be, I don’t want to go through it again. We had been warned about this during pre-marital counselling, but it is only when I experienced it that I realised how serious a problem it is,” he says.
Njue is of the opinion that as soon as a child becomes aware of his surroundings — around age one — he should move to his own cot, and as soon as he turns two, to his own room.
“I wish women would understand that they are hurting their marriage when they insist on sharing a bed with their children,” he says.
Daniel Mutua, a 38-year-old father-of-two, can relate to what these two men have gone through. If he had his way, none of his children would have shared his bed.
“The longer you keep them, the harder it is to get them out of your bed. I also think it affects the child’s independence. Our three-year-old still sleeps with us and has refused to move out of our bed. I bought him a bed, mattress, and beddings so that he would be motivated to move, but it isn’t working.”
But it is not just the lack of intimacy between him and his wife that is the problem; he also suspects that the reason his older son had problems adjusting to school was the length of time it took to move him to his own bed.
“He was five when we eventually moved him to make way for his younger brother, but even now, as an 11-year-old, he still crawls into our bed often, and the four of us end up in a bed that is meant for two.”
Most men blame their wives for enabling this dependent behaviour in their children. While the women admit, albeit reluctantly, that they are responsible for keeping big babies in their marital bed indefinitely, they insist that it is necessary.
Take Elizabeth Onyango, a 30-year-old mother of a six-year-old girl, for instance. She only agreed to get her daughter her own bed after she and her husband started having fights about it.
“Our daughter stopped breastfeeding when she turned one, so I really had no excuse for keeping her in our bed after this, but I was so attached to her that I just couldn’t let go,” she explains.
After a particularly nasty fight with her husband that culminated in his walking out of the house late at night, Elizabeth, an administrative assistant, finally relented and moved their daughter out of their bed. She was four.
Mary Kariuki, a 35-year-old mother-of-two, admits that she and her husband regularly fought about this issue.
“Our firstborn daughter moved to her own bed when she turned five,” she says.
She admits that getting intimate with her husband was difficult, explaining that they had to wait for her to fall asleep. However, there was always the fear that she would wake up at an inopportune time.
Mary, who has since separated from her husband, is back to sharing her bed with her two daughters, the firstborn, now 10 years old, and her eight-month-old sister. She sees no harm in this, arguing that it reassures and comforts the children.
“If anything, my situation is different because my children are girls — if I had a son, I wouldn’t share a bed with him.”
Bella Wanjiku, the mother of a four year old boy, cannot bear the thought of letting her son sleep on his own.
“My son is afraid of the dark — he only sleeps through the night if he sleeps in our bed,” she explains, conceding that her husband does not like it.
“He hates it, but what can I do?”
Carol Kisiangani, a midwife and childcare consultant in Nairobi, thinks there is a lot that parents can do to help their children move out of their beds and bedrooms.
“A time will come when a child has to face life on his own away from his mother, and if you do not nurture your children to live independently and to be safe by themselves, you are setting them up to be adults who cannot stand on their own.
Helping them to adopt healthy sleeping habits, she says, is the first place you can start training your children to be able to stand alone and to fend for themselves,” she cautions.
Dr Teresa Bitengo, a lecturer at the Department of Early Childhood Studies at Kenyatta University, warns that sharing a bed with a child after two years not only makes them dependent, but there is also the risk of exposing them to sexual activities which their minds are too young to understand.
“At two years, a child’s brain is well-developed and after observing his parents getting intimate, he might replicate that during symbolic play. The child may also not understand that what is happening between his parents is a show of love and may be traumatised if the lovemaking appears to be violent,” she cautions.
More often than not, children who share beds with their parents also develop an unhealthy attachment to their parents and cannot bear to be away from them.
“Ideally, parents should not share beds with their children, but if they do, I advise parents to move their children to a separate bed as early as possible, especially after weaning, and out of the parents’ bedroom by age one or two. This gives the child a chance to develop independence and to feel secure by themselves.” Lucy Muchiri, a midwife and childcare consultant explains.
Ms Muchiri adds that children who are overly dependent on their parents may have difficulties living alone, making their own decisions, and being confident later in life.
Mr Ouko Ong’ang’a, a lecturer in the Department of Early Childhood Studies at Kenyatta University, adds that parents who refuse to let go of their children deprive them of the chance to develop a sense of self-assurance and the children tend to suffer from separation anxiety and become over-dependent on the parents.
“By the time the child is in kindergarten, the child is an individual and parents should foster that sense of self by ensuring that he sleeps in his own bed and also does a few things for himself, such as dressing and eating,” he advises.
While experts recommend that either parents should not share a bed with the child in the first place or should move the child into his own bed or room as early as possible, it is never too late to do it.
“Some parents fear that the child will resist the change, but with firmness and consistency, the child will get used to the idea,” Mr Ouko concludes.
How to ease the transition Set a date for when your child will stop sleeping in your bed and stick to it. Explain to your child why it is important for him to sleep in his own bed. Make the move fun and personalise your child’ space. You can achieve this by helping him to select the beddings, stick their favourite cartoon stickers on the wall or bed — the idea is to make it more appealing than your bedroom. Do not be abrupt. Do not just wake up one day and inform him that he is moving, otherwise he will feel rejected. You could start by moving him to his own bed in your room for a while, and then move him to his own bedroom after some time. It helps if he sees other children his age sleeping in their own beds. Whenever he successfully sleeps alone, praise him or give him a gift. This will reinforce the behaviour and encourage him to stick to it.
