When someone abuses you or publicly challenges you, the first reaction is anger. Yet the real emotional test is not in the insult itself, but in the choice you make after it.
Anger is one of the emotions that we as humans carry. It shows up even in the sharpest exchanges that define public, or even private, conversations. The real question is not whether we get angry but what we do with that anger when it arrives. This is especially true when we feel provoked, insulted, or publicly challenged.
Isaac Maweu, a counselling psychologist, says that despite feeling provoked, you should remember the difference between healthy and destructive anger.
“Healthy anger speaks. It does not attack. It allows a person to say, calmly and firmly: “What you said made me feel this way,” he says.
“It also looks for resolution. Where can we meet halfway? Instead of escalating a fight,” he says.
Destructive anger, on the other hand, is driven by the urge to hurt. Mr Maweu says it can take the form of aggression, violence, or calculated retaliation, thinking not about resolution, but about how best to wound the other person.
“How do I say something that will hurt you more? Some people will also internalise anger, and that ends up in resentment where people will say and behave in hatred towards that person, and when it comes from somebody in authority, it now comes with a lot of negativity trickling down to the tone of the entire community.”
But why do insults and provocation cut so quickly, even for those who are otherwise composed?
“Whenever somebody is angry, that’s just like a symptom, a trigger, and it comes out in different ways. Socially, cultural norms encourage people to retaliate, and that’s why you hear things like, “What kind of person are you if you can't respond?” he says.
“Biologically, there is the fight-or-flight response, where you feel like you should fight this person or run away to avoid further threats. Personal triggers such as past experiences influence reactions to insults or conflict.”
Mr Maweu shares that if anger arises, whether in private or public, the best way to deal with it is to step away from it.
“Take a break. If the trigger is a message or an online exchange, no rule demands an immediate reply. Distance creates space, and space allows emotion to settle,” he adds.
When someone abuses you or publicly challenges you, the first reaction is anger. Yet the real emotional test is not in the insult itself, but in the choice you make after it.
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Additionally, physical techniques can also help stretch, slow down, and even briefly focus on something positive or grounding from the past. These small interruptions can prevent a temporary feeling from becoming a permanent consequence.
However, he explains that resisting the instinct to ‘hit back’ is not easy, particularly in environments where retaliation is normalised. “It is a skill that can be developed. One of the most powerful tools is empathy, making a deliberate effort to understand the other person’s perspective. This does not excuse poor behaviour, but it reduces the emotional charge behind it,” he says.
Mr Maweu notes that setting personal boundaries also matters; deciding, ahead of time, what is acceptable and what is not. “For those in leadership, this becomes even more critical. The standard you set in your reactions often becomes the standard others follow.”
An angry man: Isaac Maweu, a counselling psychologist, says that despite feeling provoked, you should remember the difference between healthy and destructive anger.
Photo credit: Shutterstock
Alternatively, he says, seek anger management therapy. Cognitive Behavioural Therapy (CBT) helps one identify irrational thoughts and replace them with rational ones. Rational Emotive Behaviour Therapy (REBT) examines triggers and beliefs, asking, “Is this thought rational, helpful, and calm?”
Closely related is perspective-taking, where it is considered understanding the motivation behind others’ actions or insults to reduce personal impact and respond thoughtfully. These techniques move individuals from impulsive reactions to intentional responses.
In his experience, Mr Maweu says many people struggle with anger simply because they do not recognise their triggers.
“Understanding what sets you off is the first step toward managing it. So if you know that this is a trigger, you just avoid it because you are self-aware. Then learn with time on cultivating mindfulness practice to enhance awareness during high-pressure situations,” he says.
In situations where public figures frequently resort to personal attacks, it brings in retaliatory behaviour. “People learn from what they see. So that's something we have learnt as a society is that anytime there's anger, you are teaching people; you are teaching how to react,” he says. “Socially, it has an influence on society that is not good. It's like we have learnt violence is the only way, which leads to an impulsive reaction rather than dialogue or a thoughtful response.”
Exercise to reduce stress
So, can restraint be learned, or is it largely shaped by personality and upbringing?
“People can learn to restrain themselves compared to their personality and upbringing. Zero to seven years is when one’s personality is formed, but it is also when the environment reinforces the same. Your personality will always play a big role, but as time goes by, you can be able to restrain yourself and cultivate a bit of a better life and training.”
He adds that daily habits such as physical exercise reduce stress and improve mood, but having a proper diet, as well as fatigue and dehydration, make emotional regulation more difficult.
Practically, to avoid de-escalating a situation when anger arises, step away if you can. Delay your reaction. Remind yourself that not every situation requires an immediate answer.
In a world that rewards quick, sharp responses, especially on social and traditional media, restraint can feel futile. “But dignity is not found in the speed of a reply. It is found in its weight. Words, once spoken, cannot be taken back. They carry impact, like a stone thrown or a trigger pulled,” Mr Maweu says.
