Mercy was worried and confused when she came to the Sexology Clinic. She had come to consult because she felt there was something seriously going wrong in her relationship. Her sixth sense was that her husband James was slipping away and it was only a matter of time before the relationship fell apart.
“My worry is that sex has become progressively less over the last two years and we have not been intimate in the last four months,” Mercy lamented, “I feel we are no longer interested in each other and that this marriage could be headed south.”
The couple was in their mid-30s with two children. I interrogated Mercy to find out if they were facing any sexual dysfunctions; there was nothing I could lay my hands on. What I found wanting was the status of the relationship. Mercy’s husband had lost interest in her, a condition many couples face, and which sometimes ends in divorce.
Generally, when your partner loses interest in you they will not be interested in your day-to-day life. If they used to call or text you to find out how you are doing, they suddenly stop. If you make a call to them they may not pick but if they do, they will be in a hurry to hang up. Most of the conversation may be transactional, for example, asking you to pick up children from school or buy something for the house.
Your partner also makes plans without involving you. It is like you do not exist in their space. If there are plans to involve the two of you, he may suddenly cancel them and focus on things that exclude you. Even more worrying is that he will make big future plans without consulting you. This is because in their mind they do not see you as part of that future.
As things continue to deteriorate, your partner enjoys spending time with other people than with you. They open up to others and may be emotionally connected to them. They may find other people more attractive than you and more fun to be with. When they are with you, on the other hand, they are aloof. They do not talk much. They may be tense and, in a hurry, to stay away.
“Looking back, our relationship seems to be just what you have described,” Mercy says, “my husband has drifted away, and I no longer know anything about his life.” She fetched a handkerchief from her bag and quickly wiped tears trying to put on a brave face.
“But let me ask, where did I go wrong?” she said, more tears rolling.
One thing to be aware of is that it’s common for your partner to lose interest in you for reasons that are not of your own making. It could be that your relationship has had conflicts here and there just like others but the skills to manage those conflicts may be the problem. Most people with poor conflict management skills can withdraw and lose interest instead of facing the issues head-on.
Also, be conscious of the expectations generated early in the relationship which you may have abandoned as the relationship matured. The unmet expectations can lead to relationship dissatisfaction which makes people drift apart. This especially happens when a couple is unable to communicate in which case one is not even aware that they are being blamed for not meeting some needs.
And this brings me to an important point: what should you do if you notice that your partner is losing interest in you? First, share your feelings respectfully; let them know that you feel that they are losing interest and ask them if there is anything you can do to help.
Be careful all the while not to appear like you are pushing too much. This can be counterproductive. If your partner feels pushed, they are likely to drift away even more. You are better off resorting to a hobby that makes you happy so as to give them space to reflect.
Be careful not to put the blame on yourself. Many people self-persecute, looking for what they could have done that made their partner lose interest. Remember that in most cases the person who has lost interest is facing their own challenges that are not of your making.
It could help you to spend time building a social network for support than focusing on and pressurising your partner. In the worst-case scenario, the marriage may break and you will need people. This is however not what you hope for and you should keep reminding your partner that you are ready to help with whatever is causing the drift so that you get back together. You should be ready to compromise for the sake of your relationship. If your efforts fail and the relationship ends, that is unfortunate but at least you will have played your role.
