Modern marriages and relationships are unlike those of years gone by when couples stuck to each other come rain, hell or high water.
Today, they are bedeviled by a myriad of problems among them money or lack of it, alcoholism, drugs, and infidelity — mostly deemed as the height of heart-wrenching betrayal.
In the process, separation and divorce are prevalent when affairs go to the dogs. And while men take the blame in cases of infidelity, women have upped the stakes, with their golden rule in the tit for tat being; “hate the game not the player.”
According psychologists, people often have affairs in the hope that they can re-invent themselves, or more accurately, to become the person they think they want to be. They are said to give those involved the chance to start their life all over again.
Those reasons aside, infidelity is said to come in five different forms: opportunistic, obligatory, romantic, conflict romantic and commemorative.
Judy Twala, a counseling psychologist at Oasis Africa, explains that “opportunistic” infidelity occurs when a partner is in love and attached to a spouse, but surrenders their sexual desires with someone else.
“Romantic” infidelity takes place for example, when a company hosts a training session out of town, and two office love birds (who could be committed elsewhere) take advantage of the situation, to get into some hanky panky which continues even when they get back to their office.
“Obligatory” infidelity is based on fear that refraining from someone’s sexual advances will result in rejection.
And “some end up cheating solely because of the need for approval, even though they may still hold a strong attraction to their spouse,” observes Twala.
While the above forms of cheating happen when the involved spouses are still somewhat, in love, “Romantic” infidelity occurs when they have fallen out of love, and “their commitment to their marriage is what’s most likely keeping them with their spouses,” explains Twala.
“Conflict-romantic” infidelity is when one falls in love, but has a strong sexual desire for other partners. Twala notes that “although true love holds, it’s possible to have strong love attractions to more than one person at the same time.”
“Commemorative” infidelity, on the other hand, happens with those who have completely fallen out love, but are still in a relationship with their spouses.
“Vows of matrimony are not only a promise to new partners, and God,” says Twala, “but many people take them very lightly.”
And while cheats claim have reasons for doing what they do, victims and the society at large have lots of myths about infidelity.
“Not always” says Susan Gitau, a counselor at IPC-Centre (International Professional Counselors), “but in most cases they are uncomfortable with the relationship at home, especially if it involves emotional and physical abuse, or both. And cheating provides a short-lived feeling of self worth, or as a form of escape from pain.”
Pamela Masakhwi, a counseling psychologist at African Institute of Professional Counseling, observes that “…being happy is a choice one makes despite the circumstances they may find themselves in, but unhappiness can’t be used as a reason for cheating.”
She says people cheat because they have unmet needs, to revenge or just because there is an opportunity. That’s why you will see, “people who are quite happy in their relationship but still enjoy the thrill of cheating.”
Psychologists argue that unfaithful women in long-term marriages, report low satisfaction with their husband’s, while for men, there doesn’t have to be any dissatisfaction with the marriage for them to cheat”.
Men cheat easily due to the traditional view that they’re polygamous by nature, offers Gitau, adding that psychologically and physiologically, “men are more of risk takers than women, including taking risks involving their sexuality, sexual adventures and flirting leading to possible or actual sexual encounters.”
Masakhwi concurs explaining that men have more opportunities and freedom as they are more out of the home than women.
Again, “society tolerates men who cheat than women who are more secretive in keeping affairs than men. But today the number of women who cheat has increased tremendously.”
Women cheat for the same reason as men, adds Twala, only that when a man sleeps around, he’s labeled a “stud” while a woman doing the same is seen as cheat and promiscuous.
“Women stray when they’re depressed, or lonely because of being emotionally or physically neglected or simply for the thrill of not getting caught.”
Indeed, long gone are the days when women wore new hairdos or stocked their wardrobes for consolation, today, having an affair is a “reward” for being unappreciated by the man in her life.
And while for men, affairs are high opportunity, low involvement indulgences, for women, pushing platonic relationships from friendship, love, fantasy to reality are ways of testing whether their “mpango wa kando ” can make better partners and thus potential soulmates.
“Not always,” counters Gitau, “but this is a very fertile ground for cheating among the married. Most start by sharing work-related jokes, stresses, ideas about life, which extend to personal sharing of marriage and family frustrations.
"By doing this, the two people start developing trust, which in turn creates mutual, psychological and emotional dependence that can lead to sex.”
Masakhwi says for men, affairs are about sex, and feeling powerful in order to boost their egos, “but for women it’s more about being treated differently, loved, appreciated, and a higher sense of self-worth for women with low self-esteem.”
Twala notes that affairs are a way of getting something they’re missing in their relationship. “But cheating partners are not always aware of what’s missing. For some, it’s a search for lost childhood, youth, while others cheat on “perfect partners” because they’re sick and tired of this perfection and always trying to measure up.”
Myth No.4: If he/she cheats on you, he/she doesn’t love you
Susan disagrees: “Most cheating spouses are very loving and responsible at home, and they would never want to be found out. So, for some, cheating is a response to peer pressure or plain adventure.”
Masakhwi digresses: “When you love someone you care about them, sacrifice, are sensitive to their needs, you avoid hurting them, you give more than you receive.
"This is inconsistent with cheating which can be devastating to your spouse. Where there is cheating the levels of emotional involvement, affection, love and commitment are obviously low.”
Men are capable of having “sex-based” affairs without strings attached, while women have “love-based” affairs with emotional attachments, but if someone professes genuine love for their spouse, argues Twala, “they’re unlikely to cheat. Plain and simple.
Myth No.5: Sex with an ex isn’t cheating because you’ve been there, done that
“Cheating on one’s spouse does not exclude having an affair with an ex,” says Gitau, “unless there is a mutual agreement where one has two spouses which should be made known to both parties. Some married people still keep very close ties with their exes that sometimes end up in marriage.”
She adds: “It is important for people to go through a thorough soul-searching or professional pre-marital counseling to establish fertile grounds or pre-disposing factors for possible future marital infidelity.”
“Having sexual involvement with anyone who is not your regular partner is cheating,” notes Masakhwi, “whether they’re your ex or not!”
Actually, you could be having a romp with an ex for “old time’s sake” but for them, it’s all about rekindling old fires. And with dire consequences; as when your now yellowing ex-file starts texting, e-mailing and calling you at devil hours.
“Yes and No!” is Gitau’s response: “Yes, by making a daily commitment of loving your spouse unconditionally and seeking new ways of making your marriage interesting and more intimate.
"Those who marry after establishing a strong friendship are more sexually intimate. And friendship keeps the marital candle burning during the ups and downs of marriage.”
Gitau’s “No” is because some relationships develop naturally at the workplace, clubs, where “even the most guarded spouse is rendered vulnerable by certain seductive situations.”
Acknowledging that all sexually normal people are vulnerable to affairs is a big step to identifying ways to protect yourself…self awareness and critical analysis of one’s weaknesses and strengths in relation to marital affairs is a must for the married,” observes Gitau.
It is very difficult to affair-proof a relationship, explains Masakhwi, since you can’t always monitor your partner. But you can put strategies and buffers against “intruders.” She suggests:
Open and honest communication about your needs, expectations, frustrations and desires. Being friends, spending quality time and having a “to-do” list together. Deep involvement, and being a priority in each other’s lives.
Developing and cultivating trust. Gravitating towards each other in the hour of need. Focusing on the positive about your partner, rather than shortcomings.
Indeed, unlike German cars, relationships rarely come with guarantees. Twala advices that it worthwhile “choosing the right partner” which, she says is more important than making them happy, “since traits like morals, value systems and family background are stronger influences on whether someone will cheat or not.”
Myth No.7: If he has a history of cheating, he’ll probably cheat on you too
“In most cases, yes,” is Gitau’s verdict since, a habit once formed and nurtured is unlikely to fade away.
“Just like addiction to alcohol, drugs, and gambling, some people are also addicted to sex, creating a psychological and physical dependency that the body can’t do without. This sometimes calls for, not just strong personal will, but medical and psychological intervention as well.”
Masakhwi concurs adding that “it is easier for someone who has cheated before to cheat again depending on what happened the first time. If he got away easily, the behaviour is reinforced.”
“Not always,” advises Gitau, as confession varies with different situations and couples involved.
“Some may hit back with adverse effects on both, or third parties such as children, while other confessions may open floodgates for divorce and separation or occasion harm on the victim and perpetrator. And psychological assessment should be made when, and if confessions, must be made,” she elaborates.
Masakhwi notes that one carries out, “a cost-benefit analysis” before confessing to ascertain the consequences.
“In some cases, it works, while in most cases it doesn’t due to the volatile and hostile reaction that often follows. You need to know your partner very well and have good skills to communicate effectively.”
“No one can hide the truth from self while thoughts and feelings of guilt are intruding, affecting the relationship,” says Gitau, “and people who cheat always live in fear of getting caught, or siring or getting a baby out of wedlock. They are perpetually hiding, a very challenging, costly and energy sapping undertaking.”
Myth No.10: If there is no sex involved, it is not an affair
An affair does not need to be sexual, especially among the married.
“It can be intellectual, emotional, spiritual and slowly get charged and downright sexual in nature,” says Gitau, adding that it’s very difficult to keep relationships of opposite sexes free of affairs especially if the frequency of their meetings are high.
Sex, offers Masakhwi, is a culmination of many other interactions and emotional involvement which connotes divided attention and disloyalty.
“So, even in the absence of sex, there is emotional cheating which can sometimes be even more damaging on the relationship because it is ore insiduous.”
Here, Twala says, you can also slot those who send suggestive texts, calls and e-mails, while pretending to be single.
Gitau offers: “Not really, but sometimes, yes” as is common with spouses in relationships physically long on distance, but short on intimacy.
“They thus start fantasizing about other people who may be more available, and it can get worse if they relate to those who resemble their spouses physically or in character. It can be challenging to resist the desire to make the fantasy a reality.”
So, while inevitably one can be unfaithful in the head, just ensure it doesn’t reach the bed, thus transforming yourself from a mind cheater, to sex cheetah!
“It can’t,” counters Gitau, “and affairs are actually a major wake up call that the marital relationship is in danger of collapse.”
But those who survive extra-marital affairs, she adds, “are those who accept the reality of their causes, and are willing to work it out together through genuine dialogue and forgiveness which can be very painful, but quite fruitful and therapeutic for both parties.
“Those who make their marriage work despite the ups and downs are the true role models of the vow, ‘Till death do us part!
Twala concludes that infidelity bears with it guilt and scars that remain in the victim’s mind as long he or she lives.
“And it can seem like an uncontrollable addiction until all is lost, including marriage, health and many times mental stability.”
