Every couple has their sex routine. There are those who cannot proceed beyond foreplay unless kissing happens. This was the case with Aggrey and Norah, a couple I attended to mid last year.
“She has been refusing to kiss me, I feel rejected, who is this that she is kissing these days?” Aggrey asked emotionally when they came to the Sexology Clinic. The couple had been having a growing discontent within their relationship and had been off sex for four months.
“What annoys me is that he accuses me of infidelity,” Norah replied, “if I no longer feel like kissing him it does not mean I am kissing other people, I just do not want it, full stop.”
Aggrey, a businessman, had been married to Norah for six years. Norah was a high school teacher. Both in their mid-thirties, the couple had enjoyed what they referred to as a happy marriage and good sex life to date with ‘the usual problems in marriage’. They had three children.
“Could it be that his oral hygiene is a problem for you?” I asked, encouraging Norah to pour her heart out, “when, for example, there is halitosis or a smelly mouth many people are put off.”
“I just do not want to be kissed, I have no reason,” she replied, avoiding eye contact. She was uneasy, my sixth sense was that there was something deep rooted that was unsaid.
Well, kissing is a traditional human behaviour. Historically it has been found to have been practiced in various ancient communities, a pointer to the fact that it cannot be a foreign behaviour brought to us or taken to other communities by foreigners, colonialists or whoever else interfered with our indigenous practices.
Biologically, kissing is thought to be one of the important mate selection practices. In other words, it is subconsciously practiced as a way of judging if someone is a suitable partner; it is a way of assessing genetic fitness and compatibility. Many people abandon pursuing a relationship after the first kiss; no wonder they say that you need to kiss many frogs to find a prince.
“Doctor I think mate selection is something we are way past; I selected her seven years ago and we had a wedding a year after,” Aggrey said, getting uneasy with my line of thought and discussion, “all I am asking is that my wife should not behave as if she is rejecting me by turning away her head when I want to kiss her.”
But it is still important to note that the issue of mate selection is not a one off affair. People in long term relationships are in the business of reaffirming each day that they are still loved, connected and wanted. They keep checking if their mates are what they took them for or if they are changing for the better or for worse. Kissing is one of those subconscious actions for monitoring the status of a relationship. Couples that are growing distant stop kissing then stop having sex.
Kissing, in fact, has been used to assess the quality and satisfaction with the relationship, especially among women. When kissing is frequent and enjoyable, you can confidently conclude that the relationship is doing well. The reverse is similarly true.
Of course, the value of kissing as a step towards penetrative sex is much more exciting for men. While for women kissing is an important indicator of relationship satisfaction, for men it is more an indicator of immediate gratification of a successful sexual encounter. Men, therefore, get worked up and think of infidelity when suddenly the woman refuses to kiss them.
In terms of sexual performance for both men and women, satisfaction from a sexual experience is high when kissing is happening without difficulty and when it is pleasurable. In such relationships sex becomes frequent, people easily get aroused, and orgasm is the order of the day, a pointer that both parties are happy with the relationship.
“So, what you are saying is that before getting a partner, kissing is for selecting the right one,” Norah said, “but for people already in marriage, when kissing stops there is a problem that is making the couple draw apart.”
“Yes, and so one needs to unearth what is ailing the relationship,” I replied. There was a loud silence in the room for close to a minute. I noted tears welling up in Norah’s eyes. She quickly fetched her handkerchief, wiped the tears and blew her nose.
“My husband had an affair, he has killed this marriage,” Norah said.
“But that was two years ago and we talked and had a closure,” Aggrey said.
The diagnosis was made. The couple had unresolved issues that were affecting their intimacy. I booked them for couple therapy.
