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From infatuation to solid love
The thrill of meeting someone new and falling helplessly head over heels is usually seen as infatuation. That is where it all begins. But soon enough, this hormone-driven spark fades, leaving you to weigh whether you really love the object of your fancy or not. PHOTO | FILE
What you need to know:
- In the book I Only Want to Get Married Once, author Chana Levitan quotes research that shows that infatuation lasts anywhere between 18 months to three years, but once the infatuation phase is gone, you will know because everything will feel different; you might feel as if you have fallen out of love.
- When that happens, it is time to build your relationship, not based on a fickle spark, but based on the solid foundation of commitment, intimacy and mutual respect.
The thrill of meeting someone new and falling helplessly head over heels is usually seen as infatuation. That is where it all begins. But soon enough, this hormone-driven spark fades, leaving you to weigh whether you really love the object of your fancy or not.
If your new love meets all your requirements, but the initial magic that rode on neuro-chemicals has waned, you can still cultivate a solid relationship with him. Nairobi-based psychologist Dr Chris Hart, says that to begin with, you should not dismiss a relationship just because the initial fireworks of infatuation have worn off.
In fact, with infatuation aside, you take off your rose-coloured glasses which show your partner as a perfect person who can do no wrong, and you start seeing him as he truly is, warts and all. Only then can you decide for sure if he is really the type of person you would want to spend the rest of your life with, foibles and all.
In the book I Only Want to Get Married Once, author Chana Levitan quotes research that shows that infatuation lasts anywhere between 18 months to three years, but once the infatuation phase is gone, you will know because everything will feel different; you might feel as if you have fallen out of love.
BLOSSOMING LOVE
When that happens, it is time to build your relationship, not based on a fickle spark, but based on the solid foundation of commitment, intimacy and mutual respect.
Relationships coach Florence Mwende, warns that relying on intense emotions without cultivating the real closeness and commitment necessary for a relationship to germinate and flourish, will only lead to frustrations down the line when the feelings you relied on to tide you over are gone.
“After the infatuation phase, love will only start to blossom once you have made a deliberate decision to commit to your partner, but be careful to have your own independence balanced with the time you spend with your partner to avoid losing yourself in the relationship or becoming obsessive about your partner,” she advises.
Granted, once the scales fall off and you start seeing your partner for who he is, you will discover many new things about him, but you also need to initiate sessions where you delve deeper together, to learn pertinent things that are not on the surface. This requires lots of good communication.
“When you communicate regularly and deeply, you will begin to know each other deeply and see potential problems that need to be sorted out. Doing this will ensure that your relationship starts off on the right foot,” says Dr Hart.
He adds: “On the flip side, when you know your partner really well, you can decide if he is someone you can live with or whether you need to nip your relationship in the bud.”
The most important thing in all this, according to Mwende, is to make sure that the person you are deciding to commit to also wants to make a serious commitment to you.
Dr Hart echoes her sentiments saying that you should make it clear that you are deliberately choosing your partner and abandoning all other options and your partner should also assure you that he is doing the same if the relationship is to work.
