Is sex to him like winning a game? He could be a sexual narcissist

“My husband is a sex player!” Lucy blurted out at a consultation in the Sexology Clinic. I was lost. ‘What did she mean?’ 

“My husband is more of an animal, you know to animals’ sex is not hinged on emotions or what we humans call love, it is a physical activity that you can perform with every Mary, Jane, or Alice,” Lucy explains. 

To her husband, Lucy says, sex was not about bonding, connecting, or building intimacy. Instead, it was about “winning a game.” She was nothing more than a mere pawn in his quest for power, control, and personal satisfaction. 

A veterinary doctor, Lucy had been in marriage for five years. Her husband, James, was an engineer. They had one child. What started off as an exciting relationship with a highly seductive man had progressively degenerated to what Lucy described as sex slavery.

She came to the clinic to get my opinion; she had made up her mind on divorce but, as she put it, there was no harm in getting more opinions.

“There is nothing emotional about our relationship, it is just full of sexual escapades; I am tired of gymnastics in the bedroom which he forces me into,” she explained, “Sometimes I even get physically hurt but he does not care.” 

What worried Lucy, even more, is that James had penetrated every orifice that could possibly be penetrated in her body. He stopped at nothing in his mission to prove a point: that he was the best in bed.

“And as soon as sex ends, he turns away from me and does not care whatever feelings I go through,” Lucy lamented.

In recent months Lucy noted that some of the bedroom gymnastics were things her husband learnt by watching pornography. 

In a recent study published in the Journal of Sex & Marital Therapy, subjects who had watched internet pornography at any point in their lives showed higher instances of narcissistic personality traits. But, more importantly, both male and female subjects who watched internet pornography daily were more likely than every other group to have a narcissistic personality. Also, the more porn they watched, the more narcissistic they were likely to be.

"Lucy reveals that she had severally caught her husband red-handed with other women, the last one being their housemaid. After interrogating Lucy in detail, I concluded that James had a condition called sexual narcissism.   

Both men and women can be sexual narcissists. Typically, a sexual narcist is charming and highly seductive. They have an exaggerated belief in their sexual abilities and go all out to prove this to themselves. They expect their sex mates to validate this ability so that they are reassured.

Sexual narcissists do not emotionally connect with their lovers. In fact, there may be no love as such in their relationships. They are out to conquer their mates and to prove their prowess. Sex is therefore a very physical activity for them. 

The act itself is not meant to please their mate. They ignore or even get annoyed if their partners complain. Commonly they tell their partners that they know better and that the partners know nothing about bedroom antics. 

Many sex addicts become sex narcissists. The addiction is more about the desire to drown out emotional pain and escape from reality – if only temporarily. Moments of pleasure allow the narcissistic sex addict to regain a sense of control over his or her life by exerting emotional power over others. Also, the process of seduction and the thrill of having sex serve as a distraction from the individual’s painful thoughts.

Unfortunately, the moment the partner of a sex narcissist starts complaining, the narcissist may move on to the next sexual escapade. They need someone to continue validating them. Their arrogance and a hidden sense of insecurity do not allow them to ‘stoop too low’ as to discuss their partner’s sexual and emotional needs.

“I feel my husband is too controlling in matters of sex, I have to oblige to anything he wants and respond as if he is doing me a favour,” Lucy narrates.

And yes, sexual narcissists establish power over their victims and find joy in controlling what happens in the bedroom. They enjoy being idolised and praised as sex stars. Their main reason for having the relationship is to be validated sexually. They are not concerned about their partner’s satisfaction or emotional needs. In fact, they lack empathy and do not understand why their partners would be complaining when they are a godsend.

Their belief that they are the best gifts that God gave to women makes them move on to the next partner as soon as the first phase of a relationship is over. The first phase is where sex is driven by hormones rather than the desire to love and care and make the relationship fulfilling.

“So that is where we are,” Lucy says, “I feel hollow, I feel used, I need to move out of this relationship to regain my sanity.”

There is a possibility that sexual narcissism can be treated. The affected person however needs to step down to a level where they appreciate the problem. This is the most difficult part for them. The grandiose belief in their sexual abilities does not allow them to see the problem and since they have no emotional connection with any partner, they feel nothing if a partner ditches the relationship. They continue relating with those who appreciate their sexual prowess.

“I think I am safer moving out of this emotionally abusive marriage,” Lucy says rhetorically.

“Well, you still have the option of supporting him to get therapy and hope that he pulls through,” I replied to which Lucy shook her head.