This week we counsel a woman who suspects her husband had a secret vasectomy.
Q: My husband and I have been struggling silently with infertility. We have tried to have a baby for the past four years in vain. Before I met my husband and got married I was treated for a sexually transmitted infection that could have affected my ability to have children.
My husband has always been quick to say he is fine, so I suspected that the infection made me infertile. However, I did not tell him about it. My friends and family keep asking when I plan to have children since I am not getting any younger — I am 35, but I just laugh and shrug it off.
A few weeks ago I was talking to my sister-in-law and I broke down about how difficult it has been trying to get pregnant all these years. She asked me whether my husband had reversed his vasectomy. I was shocked because he has never mentioned it to me. I feel deceived and do not know what to do. Please advise me on the best course of action to take.
Maurice Matheka, a relationship counsellor, answers:
You need to have a candid talk with your husband to establish the actual cause of infertility. If indeed your husband had a vasectomy, he needs to tell you about it himself as that might be the reason you have not been able to get pregnant. If he did not have a vasectomy as your sister-in-law alleges, you need to seek medical advice.
Both of you might need to take tests to determine your fertility levels. As a result, you will have facts about your fertility as a couple rather than acting based on speculation, as you are doing right now. You need to prepare yourself mentally for the worst-case scenario.
If indeed your husband had a vasectomy, it can be reversed, but the reversal is not always successful, so prepare yourself for any outcome.
Failure to conceive usually sets a family on a stormy path that is characterised by blame games. I suppose you have weathered severe tensions in the past four years, but children are not everything. What is more, deception has not saved you from grief. Now you need to be honest with each other. Open up to your husband and tell him what happened before you met.
You could also organise to see a fertility expert together. Be honest and willing to cooperate. If you do not succeed in getting a child, be content. Marriages have worked without children. I wish you all the best.
You must handle infertility issues together because you never know who has the problem. See a gnynaecologist who will help you establish the root of the problem. If your husband had a vasectomy, you can talk about a reversal and if that cannot be done, you can adopt a child.
The important thing is to forgive each other and continue with your lives, and keep in mind that honesty is the key to a successful marriage.
Talk to him about reversing his vasectomy, then look for a good counsellor to help you resolve your other issues openly.
Talk to each other without blaming each other and come up with a solution you are both comfortable with.
The best way to go about it is to tell him that you both need to go to the hospital for a checkup. Observe his reaction to that suggestion. Most likely it will trigger him to tell you the truth. Whatever the outcome, remember that there is a reason he did not tell you about it, just the way you have reasons for not being open with him.
I wonder how your sister-in-law found out that your husband had a vasectomy. Very few men have vasectomies, so you have to give it the benefit of the doubt unless this is his second marriage and he has other children out there.
When I got married I assumed my husband would take financial responsibility as the head of the family. In my view, as long as he is earning he should pay for rent and fees, while I support him in paying for food and other expenses as they arise.
The reality is that my husband does not contribute any money towards running our household and I foot every bill alone. He is employed, but I do not know how much he earns or where his money goes.
I am strained financially and I have talked to him to pay some of the bills but he does not. How can I get him to pay up?
