My wife cheats and hangs out with bad company, what should I do?

Hi,

My name is Phillip. I am married with three children. My wife and I have been together for nine years. In the beginning, our relationship was great and I trusted her. I have never suspected her and she has been open, honest and loyal to me. However, when we got our second child everything changed. Immediately after she stopped breastfeeding the baby, I noticed a lot of changes in her. She could no longer take care of the children or cook for them. She was more concerned about how she looked and dressed. She became inseparable from her phone. She started coming home late and most times refuses to have sex with me. She was either fatigued or sick.

I realised that there is a guy she was chatting with every day. I decided to confront her and took her phone. I went through her message and realised that she was chatting with four guys and others on Facebook. She cried and apologised. I chose to forgive her after she assured me that she was going to change. I also compromised because of our kids. After two years I opened a business for her to run while I worked. After three months, she joined a group of promiscuous women. I started an investigation. I found out that she had slept with two guys and she was planning to sleep with a third one. Apart from that, she was chatting with 40 other different guys. I confronted her and she confirmed everything. She apologised and requested one last chance. I decided to tell her mother so that she can talk to her.

My wife has become deceptive and doesn't care about our marriage. She's likely to repeat because she has replaced her line after throwing it. She still hanging out with the bad company. She has barely reformed. I can't continue doing this. I'm working on myself and I'm ready to leave the marriage because she might infect me with an STI. What hurts me the most is that I'm related to the guys she slept with and they're married. Please advise me on what to do because it's consuming me inside. Thank you.

 Phillip

READER’S ADVICE

Your wife after giving birth to the second born seems to be looking for something (maybe affirmation, love, validation, fighting self-esteem issues). That's why she cared more about her looks. Before you make the decision of leaving the marriage try talking to a therapist together and identify the problem. It is said show me your friends and I will know who you are. She should change her company. It seems your love for her is greater and that's why you have tolerated her. Help her identify and cure the problem.

Mercy Githinji

From your explanation, one may be tempted to heap blame on your spouse but the issue seems deeper and points to a person who has discovered herself later in life. An attempt to have a counsellor walk through with her could bring to the fore what is unconsciously ailing her. You also stand accused. Your willingness to quickly forgive especially in such marital infidelity points to some personal guilt that you and your wife have not fully confronted and sought closure on. Could it be related to your bedroom shortcomings?  Your wife is sick and is calling out for help, reach out to a professional. 

Take heart.

Drive Counseling Centre- Kitengela 

The moment you forgave her she realised you are easy to persuade. She is in contact with 40 men according to you meaning she has loads of options and even though you have three children with her, it doesn't seem to mean anything. You need to protect your mental well-being and the earlier you make the decision, the better. Focus on raising your children with the option of ending ties with your wife because it is at your disposal. Thinking of forgiving her again will not work because you will need to forgive her more than 40 times which is not possible. 

Juma Felix 

From your narration, you ignored the telltale signs. Now the wound has really grown. It is sad for a man to come to a realisation that the woman she loves is cheating. I think you didn't have a candid conversation with her to understand the reason she was having extramarital affairs even though she apologised. The foundation was not dealt with. You did state that you compromised because of the children, which means you didn't go deeper to unearth everything hence leading to where you are now. I suggest that you call yourself for a meeting and evaluate your current situation and the future before making a decision.

Rev Geoffrey Avudiko, Mitume, Kitale

You have tolerated and accommodated a lot but the truth is you can't change an adult as they can only decide it themselves Move on as you are only hurting yourself and God knows what may come off if you keep compromising.

W Kagochi Kuira Counselor Nyeri 

EXPERT’S TAKE

I am certain that your situation has been stressful and hurtful however your predicament is a classic case of a scenario where the other 'your wife' either falls out of love or no longer values being in the marriage. When you caught her she asked for your forgiveness and you gave it. But that did not mean that she was going to rekindle what was lost on her side. Even though her body and mind left the marriage people normally find it easier to stay in the dysfunction and have their affairs rather than leave. That is what your wife has done. On paper, couples should be together until the end of time. That is more fantasy than reality. Mine is not to point fingers or condemn your wife. My advice to you is that you should make plans to move on. When a relationship is not working there is no point forcing it to work. It only delivers further headaches and heartache.

Relationship Counsellor, Maurice Matheka

NEXT WEEK’S DILEMMA

Am a teacher by profession. My wife too is a teacher. Some 10 years back I discovered my wife was engaging with her headteacher who by then was older than my wife by 20 years and older than I too. His firstborn is older than my wife. The wife of the man discovered the illicit relationship and informed me. My wife admitted they had been intimate for four years. She was remorseful. She begged for forgiveness. Although I forgave her, I have never trusted her again. I have no sexual feelings for her. She complains about me. I don't like even spending time with her. I really loved her but that love is lost. It has really affected our relationship. Kindly advise. How will I love her again?

Have a relationship dilemma? Email us at [email protected]