When John Kamau and Ruth Kagiri (popularly known as Kerry Kagiri) got married, they told their guests, “Should you wish to gift us, please consider an enveloped gift.”
This statement was printed in bold on the couple’s invite cards and gift envelopes, and was repeated over phone calls and WhatsApp groups. Accompanying it was a paybill number and John’s M-Pesa number for the digital gifters.
John Kamau and Ruth Kagiri, who got married in August, requested enveloped gifts from their guests and provided a paybill number for the same.
Photo credit: Pool
Unapologetic about the request, Kerry says this was the most sensible thing to do.
“Both of us are over 35. We had our own houses, our own chairs, our own TVs and other items. Not many people are creative with gifts, and we didn’t want them to come and give us more spoons, cups, or plates.”
A good number of guests, including Kerry’s grandparents, aunts, and uncles, came to them, insisting on tangible gifts.
For their sake, Kerry and her husband came up with a last-minute registry. In it, they listed items which they didn’t have and others which would be an upgrade.
This list included a bed, TV, fridge, washing machine, and, going on a limb, John threw in a console table.
“We were very deliberate in how we asked for gifts. We didn't want people to feel obligated to give us anything and we made that very clear. We were open to receiving if they gave out of their free will, but otherwise, we communicated that guests were welcome to just come and enjoy themselves. We even threw a small tea party for them before the ceremony.”
Perhaps thanks to the principle of reaping that which you sow, John and Kerry’s guests cooperated and the couple received a lot more than they asked for.
They got almost everything they wanted – from a pair of heart-shaped bowls that they used to take porridge together on their first day as a married couple, an engraved knife and cake spatula set, an instant hot water dispenser, and shopping vouchers, to more complex things like having the groom’s entire outfit being fully paid for as well as the bride’s makeup and manicure, and a bridal shower at an exclusive and luxurious venue.
“I literally saw God at work through people,” Kerry says. “There was a friend who just came and gave me some cash saying she knew I'd need it, and I didn’t have to account for any of it. We also didn’t pay for any car, people just offered cars for the procession, and they were fully fuelled.”
John didn’t get his console table, but the gifts are still pouring in even now, so who knows?
Having made their last payment for the wedding just recently, they now begin their marriage, debt-free and feeling heavily supported.
John and Kerry’s is not an uncommon case. Whereas wedding gift tables of the past used to be stacked high with wrapped physical gifts – sufurias, cutlery, beds, even goat – the tables now are a lot smaller and contain more envelopes than anything else.
The presentation of gifts is also different now, so that instead of the traditional braggadocious announcements, a lot of what you hear at the reception is more private and mysterious, something like, “This is just symbolic, the gift is already in their house.”
Dorcas’ wedding planning hack
This was certainly the case when Dorcas Oseje’ son got married on August 23, this year.
Dorcas, whose daughter also had a wedding in April 2023, was deeply involved in the gifting in both weddings. For her, it was about meeting the couple’s immediate needs.
“My children got married in their early 20s. Both of them were leaving my house to go and get married and had no experience of living in their own homes,” Dorcas says. “This was what drove me to help them furnish their houses.”
During the wedding planning, she sat her children and their partners down and together they came up with a list of items. They put in everything – from spoons and sofas, to a cooker. After pricing every item on the list, Dorcas grouped them and circulated the list to close family and friends.
Why couples are now strategic about their wedding gifts.
Photo credit: Shutterstock
“The gift list felt like a more organised method. I didn’t want 10 people coming with 10 sieves or 10 microwaves. What would the children do with all those? So, as a family, we budgeted for the small things like plates, knives, and grinders and opted to give the costlier ones to our friends because they were willing to help. But we didn’t ask them for everything,” Dorcas notes.
“You can’t have people give you things like a couch or even a bed, those are often left for the girl’s parents to give. We decided on particular things like dispensers and microwaves, and whatever they didn’t pick up, like the dining table and washing machine, we added to our family budget.”
But the guests didn’t buy the gifts themselves. They sent the money to Dorcas, who then shopped for the items, labelled them, and then gave them to the guests for presentation if they so desired. This was to factor in quality items and the couple’s preference, but it also locked out guests with sinister motives.
“I haven’t experienced it myself, but some people say that some guests take the gifts to a witch doctor before presenting them to the couple on their wedding. We believe that our friends are genuine, and also, as Christians, we know that our God is greater than the power of witchcraft. So we just prayed over the gifts.”
Like Kerry and John, Dorcas and her children asked their guests to consider a monetary gift. The MC repeatedly mentioned an M-Pesa number during the reception. They also printed the couple’s phone numbers on the invitation cards.
No more pickups and canters
Alfred Kimweli, a wedding planner at House of Dotty, has been in the wedding business for 13 years now, affording him a front-row seat to the changing times.
“When we started, it was a taboo to even try and dictate what you want to be given as a gift. No one was willing to request anything; they just let their guests bring whatever they wanted.”
Do not focus too much on the wedding because that's only a ceremony. Marriage is the main thing, and it involves a lifelong commitment.
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“One of the biggest gifts that couples received was the Tilley lamp. You know those lamps that you’d pump and use in case of a blackout? Couples would open their gifts and find like five of them,” Alfred says. “Of course, there were the standard glasses and kitchenware too which everyone would buy.”
But there was also the problem of space. Things like beds would often be bulkier than the couple could accommodate. Many times, they would lack enough room to keep these gifts, leaving them with a dilemma.
“So we started seeing shifts from big gifts to smaller, more meaningful gifts. We began seeing things like paintings and wall clocks.”
But soon, people realised that they were still getting the same things over and over, and this birthed the gift registry. For this, couples would walk to stores and supermarkets and register a list of the items they wanted from there.
As they sent out their wedding invites, they would make the registries known to their guests, who would then visit the stores, pick a gift or two, and tick them off the list, so that the next person would not come and purchase the same thing.
“More and more groups came into play. Instead of two, three people buying glasses, we saw workmates, chamas, and other people and groups pulling their money together to buy something meaningful.”
Extended families on both sides get to meet and know each other during the ruracio ceremony.
QR codes and PDQ machines
No doubt, many wedding gifts in the past ended up collecting dust under the couple’s bed. To avoid this, gift vouchers found their way onto the gift table, sparking the culture of enveloped gifts.
“There is also the fact that people today are getting married while they are older and established, so they are at liberty to dictate what they want.”
With the onset of M-Pesa and digital money came the courage to write statements like, “Your presence is the real gift, but if you wish to bless us further, here is our paybill number…” With the current dominance of mobile money, Alfred always advises his clients to have an MPesa line.
“No one carries cash anymore, and since we now do a lot of weddings for people who are not even in the country, that M-Pesa line is important. We no longer wait for the wedding day. People now send out the invites and request guests to gift them even if they can’t make it to the actual ceremony.”
But it’s not just M-Pesa numbers, Alfred adds, he has also seen Paypal numbers, particularly for those who live abroad and have friends and family outside the country.
Because of all this, you are unlikely to see a pick-up or canter on stand-by waiting to ferry the gifts to the married couple’s house, as it was in the past.
“Of the weddings I do now, around 90 per cent of couples prefer non-physical gifts. But even when guests buy bulky items, they don’t bring them on the wedding venue. People are more conscious such that even when the Kikuyus follow their custom of giving a bed, they’ll give a voucher so that the couple will go and choose the bed themselves and have it delivered straight to their home.”
With the bold Gen Zs already joining the marriage wagon, Alfred says that things could change even further. While older couples still struggle with asking people for money and sometimes even for specific gifts, the younger ones have no qualms about asking even for financial contributions to their honeymoon kitties.
“They are even putting QR codes on the tables now and announcing that those links are for giving direct gifts. I think this is where we are headed. QR codes and PDQ machines. Of course the traditional kiondos from grandma will not go away, but even with those, there is a modern twist.”
Joel Mwangala, who runs Registry, an online platform, agrees that the trends are still changing. While the most common items people put on their registries remain home and kitchen essentials – things like granite cooking pans, beddings, soap dispensers, scented candles, and other decorative and furnishing items, Joel has also seen people place luxury items like perfumes, watches, handbags, and honeymoon destinations.
But it is not just the object of request that’s changing, the methods are also changing. With his platform, for instance, couples no longer have to physically walk up and down a store, writing down the code numbers of the items they’d like, and their guests don’t have to follow the same tiring process. Instead, with online registries, they all have access to vendors, including international ones, who can even ship their desired items wherever they’d like.
To couples planning a wedding, Joel’s encouragement is that it is okay to use a registry and to ask for whatever you want, without feeling limited or assuming that your guests will not be able to get you something costly. Those who can, will.
For Dorcas, the advice is to go for what you really need. She also advocates for allowing people to bring what they want, even as you dictate your needs.
Alfred adds that the couple should exercise gratitude for whatever they receive, including the fact that sometimes they may not receive a gift, especially if they’ve done a destination wedding and their guests had to travel to attend.
John and Kerry recommend being clear on what you want, managing your expectations, not relying on the enveloped gifts to pay for your wedding bills, and not only thinking about receiving, but also how you can gift your guests.
