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Should I move in with my 'semi-married' man?
What you need to know:
- You chose to date a married man and neglected the biological reality of you being pregnant.
- What you need to ask yourself is, why would he be faithful to you, assuming you stayed with him?
- If he has children with his wife, is he in their lives? Is he providing? That will give you an indication of how he might treat your child.
I am currently pregnant with a semi-married man. I call him that because he has not yet paid dowry for the woman, but they have a child. After the wife knew I was pregnant, she said she was leaving. The husband is not committed fully to either of us, he is still sleeping with other women. Should I close my business and move to another city, or should I go back to him? Bear in mind the man told me he will be silent at work and it got me thinking he won't ask how me and his unborn baby are fairing on, and to me that feels hurtful. For the sake of my mental health and my unborn baby, please advise.
I empathise with you for the dilemma you have found yourself in. I don't believe we have something like "semi-married," and paying dowry is not the indication of permanent marriage either. You invaded someone's marriage, and you have to be prepared for the consequences. Whether the wife leaves or stays, it has to bear some casualties, since you already mentioned that the man was still sleeping with other women. Either way, be positive and sober as you forge a way forward. May you find a place in your heart to forgive yourself, adjust and advance.
Rev Geoffrey Avudiko, Senior Pastor in Mitume PAG Church, Kitale
You’re at a crossroads and it’s okay to feel unsure. But this moment calls for clarity and self-respect. A man who cheats while you carry his child isn’t just careless, he’s absent where presence matters most. His silence speaks louder than any excuse. Don’t go back. Don’t trade your peace for pain or accept love in fragments. You deserve someone who shows up fully for you and your child. There is no shame in choosing peace. No weakness in beginning again. Sometimes, walking away is the purest form of love. Go where your spirit is light. Let your child grow in warmth, not worry. And always remember: You are enough. You always were.
Freezer, Nairobi
Sometimes the things we do have lasting effects on our lives, both positive and negative. You chose to sleep around with a man you knew has another woman in his life. Your expectations were probably that he would leave her for you. Remember the law recognises a six-month cohabitation as marriage, hence his spouse. The much you can do is have a sit down with him and discuss ways of raising the unborn child, since the child is very innocent of your actions and should not suffer because of your irresponsibility. Do not keep the child away if he wants to be in his or her life. Swallow your pride.
Calvin Queens, blogger and writer
You deserve a partner who is present, committed, and caring. If this man is not that person, moving forward without him may be the healthiest choice for you and your child.
Nyakenyanya Japhet, police psychologist
Since you have decided to keep the pregnancy, your focus should be on your well-being and that of your child. Your emotional and physical health is important. Pregnancy can be stressful, and feeling unsupported can make it even harder. Make sure you have a support system. Friends, family, or a trusted mentor can help you through this. If he is distant, it might mean he is struggling with guilt or responsibility. However, that should not leave you alone in this, you can still raise a strong and happy child. Look at your financial situation and start making plans for your baby’s future. If necessary, seek legal advice about child support, especially if he tries to abandon responsibility.
It is normal to feel hurt, abandoned, or overwhelmed. Give yourself time to process these feelings. If needed, seek counseling or talk to someone who can help you navigate the emotional weight of the situation. Think about what you want for yourself and your child beyond this moment. Build a stable environment, find ways to secure your income, and surround yourself with positive influences. Focus on what you can control and make the best decisions for yourself and your child.
Fred Lastborn Jausenge – UAE
It seems you knew he was married before falling for him. Getting involved with a married man is a sin. It is wrong, and much worse, it is suicidal. Whether he paid dowry or not, there's nothing to justify your actions. It's a pipe dream to think that just because you're pregnant with his child, he'll leave his wife for you. Being silent at work is just a polite way of telling you that he doesn't have time for you. Truly it's hurtful but it's your own making. For the sake of your health and the unborn, move on. Forcing your way back to him will hurt you more if he rejects you. Closing your business to relocate to another city is unreasonable unless you have other interests there. You'll lose your clientele and it takes time for business to pick and that could drain and strain you economically and mentally. The choice is yours.
D Mutunga
From the school of life
FROM THE EXPERT
All in all, the decision lies with you. But let us look at the facts. You chose to date a married man and neglected the biological reality of you being pregnant. What you need to ask yourself is, why would he be faithful to you, assuming you stayed with him? If he has children with his wife, is he in their lives? Is he providing? That will give you an indication of how he might treat your child. There are no guarantees, but it gives you a baseline of his parental traits. The world is not a straight line. Some men provide without being too involved with their children. What should matter most is his intentions in the provision department. You should only be with someone because you want to be in their space and not because you think it’s a good idea for now. That will only brew resentment and a gradual rift between you. Your priority is to secure your unborn child’s well-being.
Maurice Matheka is a relationships expert
NEXT WEEK’S DILEMMA
I love dating! All the fun, the partying and the night life. The high heels, short skirts, deep necklines, bare midriffs and sexy lingerie. Dancing all night, laughing and flirting. But I’ve noticed that as I get older, men my age are getting boring! I am having to date younger guys. What’s going on?
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