A star, high-performing employee working for an uncaring organisation and having poor social support suffers burnout and the burnout complicates intimate relationships leading to disharmony and sometimes divorce. That is the thought that ran through my mind as I listened to Rose, a marketing executive in an insurance company. She had come to the Clinic to seek help because her husband had an affair with her housemaid and blamed it on her.
“I feel betrayed. I am bitter, and I want a divorce but at the same time I wonder if I contributed to the whole situation.”
Rose was 38 years old and married to John, a 40-year-old pharmacist. They had been married for 16 years and had three children. The couple had been off sex for three years. Rose blamed the lack of sex on professional demands.
“I have a bad boss, the more I achieve, the more the demands and the lack of appreciation,” she lamented. “Although I surpass my targets every year, he portrays me as a useless, hopeless human being, good for nothing and as much as this makes me work hard to prove him wrong, it has gotten into my head and I feel worthless. My co-workers also treat me with contempt which only adds insult to injury.”
A deeper conversation with Rose made me arrive at a diagnosis of chronic burnout. The World Health Organisation classifies burnout as a collection of symptoms resulting from workplace-induced stress. Unfortunately, burnout does not only affect the person at the workplace, its effects are carried to intimate relationships and desire for sex, orgasm and sexual satisfaction quickly diminish.
“I haven’t thought of that connection between work and sex, not sure how this happens,” Rose mumbled, more like talking to herself than responding to my explanation.
There are three symptoms of burnout. First, one gets exhausted physically, emotionally and psychologically. There is little energy to do anything. One is chronically tired, the body cannot cope with the pressure. Affected people suffer chronic ailments such as unending flu, high blood pressure, tension headache and unexplained body aches.
Secondly, burnout makes one feel unappreciated. Despite the efforts to achieve more and more, there is no appreciation at work. This broods anger, apathy and loss of self-esteem. The feeling of worthlessness crops up and self-confidence goes. Generally, affected people describe the work environment as toxic.
The third symptom area is that one feels professionally daft. They feel inefficient and develop self-doubt. Their creativity goes and they struggle to think and produce results. They start to feel that they have no future and may even go into depression.
You for sure do not want a spouse or sex-mate who is facing burnout. They are unlikely to connect with you at a deep level of love and intimacy or get satisfaction from sex.
“But my husband seems not to understand what I am going through,” Rose said, her eyes welling up with tears. “He also has his demands and at the same time I also have to attend to the children.”
Workplace burnout affects women more in our context because, irrespective of what they face at work, women must still allocate adequate emotional energy to fulfil the wife and mother roles in the family.
“A number of women executives in our industry actually face more gender-based violence in their marriages and a number choose to walk out of the marriage,” Rose said, to which I nodded in agreement. Unfortunately, such women are also labelled by society as bad examples and misfits.
The big question is what one should do when they realise that they have been caught up in this vicious cycle, which in most cases is destined to end badly. Poor leadership and an uncaring organisational culture, politics and sabotage are commonplace in many organisations. These are not things that a single employee can have control over.
Secondly, people have their levels of vulnerability. Those with low levels of coping suffer the most. The moment you realise that the pressure is so much that your health and family are beginning to suffer, you should urgently act to preserve your wellbeing.
For one, show self-love. Self-care is key. This includes creating boundaries around work and social life. Create time to attend to social demands, sleep enough and learn to say no to additional work that interferes with your family time.
“That may be the easiest road to being sacked!” Rose exclaimed. “You do not know the kind of people I am dealing with.”
Seeking therapy and professional coaching is sometimes necessary. When you find yourself stuck in the rat race, seek professional help. These professionals help you navigate the difficult work environment, including decisions on whether to quit.
All said, these issues just show how intricately connected sexual life is to other aspects of life. A satisfying sexual life is an indicator of quality of life. A failing sex life should trigger you to evaluate how well all other aspects of your life are doing.
