We disagreed, and my girlfriend walked out on me. It's been three days now, and I can't sleep or focus on anything. I was not ready for this. Is there something I can do to get us talking again? How can I start the year with a break-up?
A breakup can feel like the end of the world when you're in the middle of it. You feel like you're being sucked into the abyss of unbearable pain.
If the breakup was sudden and unexpected, like someone suddenly ghosting you after a disagreement, you can feel confused and disoriented.
As far as she's concerned, you will pull power moves towards her to shield yourself from the breakdown she's pulling you into and to make her feel the breakdown instead. As far as you're concerned, you will pull growth moves to turn the experience into a positive one rather than a negative one.
One, ghost her right back. This takes some mental stamina, but you'll need to do it. Do not chase her down by calling from different numbers, contacting her friends, and showing up at her workplace. Desperation is repulsive, and it only makes you look weak.
She can easily cite your desperate acts as one reason she left. She can say you're too demanding and you have no life. Instead, flip the script and refocus your energy towards yourself. Instead of overthinking about her, take your mind to yourself and examine what this relationship has done to you.
Ghosting is cruel. It's like someone knowing you're leaning on them, and then they just walk away, leaving you to crash on the hard ground. It's the most piercing way to communicate that they don't care about your feelings.
If someone has ghosted you, the worst thing you can do is to beg them. They have already kicked you in the face. The least you can do is collect yourself up.
If someone kicked you to the ground, would you kneel there and start begging them? That's too weak, right? You'd just try to get away from them.
The second power move is to unlearn your dependency on her. In all likelihood, this relationship had become a part of your day-to-day life. You had joint activities, and you communicated regularly. You had dreams and goals, the most important being to build a life together as lovebirds.
But now, what to do with this sudden void created by her unceremonious departure? You can easily find yourself obsessed with her and waiting anxiously for her return at every minute. Your feelings will crave the good times and the comfort you had from being with her.
Your best response is to create a different program with different activities to fill your day. Instead of stalking her on social media, catch up with your friends or go to the gym. Instead of going through your pictures with her or reading your old conversations, register for training or take up a challenging project at work just to expose yourself to new learning.
Instead of posting cryptic messages or sharing sad selfies, walk into therapy and talk your feelings out. Psychological counselling gives you the safest space to vent and let out your pent-up emotions without the risk of exposing yourself to the world.
The scriptures say that love is as strong as death. That means that when we're in love and we're denied the channel to express it, we can feel as if we're dying. A better tactic instead of closing in such a powerful emotion as love is to channel it out through safe spaces.
The third power move is to get busy with your own life. The woman expects you to chase her down and act stranded and helpless. This will validate her that she still has control over you and your feelings.
You should refuse to feed this narcissistic need and instead get busy with your own life. This will trigger curiosity and anxiety on her side as she wonders whether you found someone else, you moved on, or you forgot about her.
What if you don't want to lose the relationship, you ask?
It takes two to tango. You can't make a relationship work if you want it more than she does. These power moves are meant to steady you and restore a sense of sanity and control in your own life. You need them whether this relationship will make it or not.
What is the growth move you should pull in your own life simultaneously? Simply, evolve into a different space mentally and emotionally. Define afresh what a healthy love looks like to you. In the wake of this incident, what must you do in the future to prevent a repeat? Were there signs of disloyalty or lack of commitment that you overlooked with this lady?
Did you invest more in her potential to change and grow than you did in who she is in reality? Did you over-promise and overwhelm her with assurances of a good life? This can easily entice her into staying when she doesn't love you, leading to these on-and-off behaviours or cold-blooded disconnections from you.
Your healing will come from getting a better view of yourself and the world of relationships as a result of this incident. Whether she comes back or not, you'll have changed what you tolerate and your terms of engagement in the realm of love.
