Things I wish I knew before marriage...

Love bombing is a serious red flag: Defined as ‘a manipulative tactic where someone overwhelms another person with affection, attention, and gifts in the early stages of a relationship,’ love bombing often presents like romance, but it is a sign of the start of an unhealthy relationship.

Do not get engaged within three or even six months of the meeting. Our grandparents were right. Take a year to get to know the person and their root family well enough before getting engaged, let alone getting married. There is no emergency for such a life-changing relationship as a marriage. I repeat, take your time and pretty please, practice celibacy in those months. You will be more clear-headed enough to bond emotionally, before physically.

Deal breakers: The little things that concern you about your lover usually grow into monstrous proportions once married. If they are deal breakers before marriage, they will be what kills your marriage. Are they still meeting or talking with their ex and claiming that they are just close friends? See me behind the tent. I will show you the doorway that brought adultery into your marriage.

Trust is earned: Trust must be earned, not dished out freely even when the person makes a vow. Words are easy, but intent is demonstrated over time through actions. Do not give money, procure loans, or enter into businesses with a lover or even a spouse until you truly know their character. People are not always who they say they are. Read their actions. Those speak louder than words.

Ask away: The big, the small the mundane. What is their greatest fear? What is their most traumatic experience? What is their greatest joy? What do they miss most about their childhood? What hurt them the most when they were growing up? What do they consider their worst habit? What led to the breakup with their ex?

Are they still in touch? Why? What do they believe about higher power? What is their religious ritual? Ask away. Do they evade your questions with a joke? Do they change the topic?

Do they give superficial responses? Are they keen to know you deeply, as well? Do they ask away as well?

Shared values: It does not matter how much chemistry you feel, how much religiosity you practice, or how proper, socially, you both are and how ready for marriage you feel. If you have a clash of values, that marriage will result in premium tears. If your values include absolute integrity, but you marry someone who cons people, that value clash will not lead to a fulfilling marriage.

You will find it impossible to trust or respect them. You might think that giving them all your money and assets will settle them, make them content, and stop fraudulent behaviour, but it is their character that is the problem, not a lack of money or resources. You cannot transform a crooked adult. It is their job to work on their character. Other values include intolerance to any form of corruption, moral, ethical, or financial. If they bend the rules, say to bribes, they will bend rules to values like fidelity.

Abuse starts subtly: It might seem like a joke when they comment about your teeth, but only they are the ones laughing about it. Abuse is real, and rampant in marriages. Since we are not psychologists, we only realise it is abuse when either someone else points it out, or when it turns into full-blown cruelty. We now have a disdain towards physical abuse, but this is only the last phase of abuse. It long started with emotional, mental, and financial before the physical. Marriage does not give anyone a license to abuse.

Growth is a personal choice and journey: Two become one, yes, and two must grow their individuality if they are to nurture their oneness in the marriage. As you learn your spouse, as you accommodate their flaws and celebrate their strengths and wins, you grow, because they do the same concerning you.

Marriage is a relationship: It is not the marriage certificate or a shared surname, but the unique relationship that you both create. It is a human relationship that requires dedication of time and resources to nurture and strengthen, daily.

Love is grown: It is a mutual joy and challenge to grow love, or else it will stunt, and then die.