Forgiving is hard...but here’s why you should do it anyway

We shared a long trip with a young woman, a GenZ and as we know, they ask deep questions, often without filter. This one, from out of the blues turned to me and asked, “What is the one thing you have learned in all your years now?”

First, I am not that old. There is another half a century of life to live, if my creator wills. Plus, I want to know what comes next after this age of technological explosion. “Forgiveness is hard. But it is a lifesaver, it opens doors, new and ancient ones.” I said to my young friend, after pondering her question for a while.

It is unrealistic, in fact, insensitive to tell a hurting person to forgive someone who has deeply and intentionally wronged them. I wondered how to forgive and heal from the trauma of abuse and the betrayal of adultery until I came across the teachings of Lysa Terkeurst, author of Forgiving What You Can't Forget. She says, “Forgiveness is God’s gift for us to heal.”

To grasp the power of forgiveness, we must first demystify it. Forgiveness is a process, a painful yet curative one. Forgiveness does not imply condoning or even reconciliation. You never have to meet or engage with that person again, but you can forgive them, release the pain, and let their creator deal with them. Forgiveness does not mean that the consequences of their wrongs will not catch up with them.

Life, or the legal system, takes care of injustices against others. Forgiveness is not minimising the harm done to us, and forgiveness does not depend on the other party seeking forgiveness or even apologising. They chose to hurt you. They will not take accountability for the harm.

Forgiveness is choosing to release the bondage of bitterness. It is getting back your power, to live, to experience joy and love again.  To choose to forgive means to experience that painful, pride-diminishing thing that Christ told us to do, “Love your enemies, do good to those who hate you, bless those who curse you, pray for those who abuse you."  

Praying for someone who chose to harm you is almost an impossible thing to do, but once you do it, a power is released. Your healing starts. Healing from the inside is truly the key to restoration. “The person who hurt you is not bad. They are wounded, unhealed.” Lysa says. Hurting people hurt others. Forgiveness does not change the past, but it enlarges the future.

You move from being stuck and from reliving the hurt, to seeing the possibilities of the future. It is moving from a victim state to a victor’s mentality. It is having a sense of agency and empowerment and becoming an advocate for yourself. Instead of gathering bitterness, you gather lessons.

Even after forgiving, you must know that the pain left an imprint, a scar and there will be triggers that will pop up, occasionally. For example, I feel pain afresh when I read or hear about someone going through domestic violence or dealing with the betrayal of adultery.

The impact leaves a scar but scars no longer hurt or bleed. They remind us to be more cautious, to see people as they truly are – their character- and not what we want to see, and to look inward and find the flaw in us that lets us choose or put up with, say, disrespect from another person.

What if we cannot forgive? Are you struggling to forgive or unwilling to forgive? Forgiveness starts as a struggle, because we are human, and revenge feels sweet. But revenge saps our energy and keeps us focused on the other person, neglecting ourselves and our healing journey.

If you are unwilling to forgive, remember too that not forgiving has consequences. It stunts. It turns us into angry, bitter toxic people. Being unforgiving releases the bile and has been confirmed to be a leading cause of stress-related illness.

It is not an option for Christians as they are commanded to forgive, just as God constantly forgives us. It is easier to forgive once we remember that God does not condone sin and injustice and that he is the ultimate avenger.

My birthday is around the corner. Learning to forgive me sounds like a wonderful gift. You, on the other hand, can send over that bottle of fine wine. Then go on, list the atrocities committed against you, and then choose to enter the journey of forgiveness, one step at a time.