Men should develop a ‘parentage attitude’ to all their younger women acquaintances.
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The tragic comedy of philandering ‘mubabu’ and his toxic masculinity
“Ashakum!” That is how the Waswahili apologise in advance when they are about to mention something that might embarrass, shock or offend their audience. I begin with an apology because I want our conversation today to be about the sensitive topic of sex, especially about cross-generational sex, as the sociologists call it.
Basically, this means old people having intimate relations with younger people. I focus particularly on noticeably elderly men dating girls or young women, females who may be of even the age of such men’s granddaughters.
I am calling these grandfatherly skirt-chasers or philanderers “wababu”, coining a term from the Sheng term “mubaba”, used by the young people to designate middle-aged male sex hunters among their daughters’ agemates. If these are of the “baba” (father) age group, those who are older but still prowling around must be of the “babu” (grandfather) age-set or rika, hence “wababu”, one being a “mubabu”.
I call cases of the baby-snatching mubabu tragic comedies because, often, they can be both sad and amusing. The wababu’s antics, for example, of trying to wedge themselves into the youthful groups in search of their prey are patently comical in view of their incongruity. So, too, are the strenuous efforts of the ageing womanisers to hide their nefarious escapades from the eyes of the public. The young targets of the senile Casanovas also often have a field day “detoothing” (extracting the loose teeth of) their shallow-brained but deep-pocketed chasers. That is Ugandan slang.
On the other hand, the loneliness, the desires, the unfulfilled longings and the anxieties that drive the aged trophy hunters on their sentimental journeys are often severe enough to qualify as pathetic. Even after getting into his lopsided “relationship”, the mubabu is tormented by a host of complications. These include his inability to communicate across the age gap, fear of losing his lover to competitors, and inability to “perform” to expectations, in addition to nagging feelings of falling off social, moral and spiritual standards. The neurosis arising from these can and does lead to horrendous tragedies, like jealousy-induced murders (crimes of passion) and even self-destruction.
Indeed, my musings on the problem were triggered by a report of one such tragedy in my “home” county of Machakos. I read in the press that a 77-year old mubabu was found dead in a hotel room in the Masii-Mwala area, where he had checked in with a 32-year old woman. The case is still under investigation, so the less said about it, the better. A detail in the report, however, caught my attention. Found in the bag of the dead man was a pack of what was called “men booster” tablets, four of which had apparently been used..
In any case, it is surprising how frequent and widespread such incidents are, even in such extreme forms. Some get reported, others, especially those of a relatively milder nature, are hushed up. Another case, which caught my eye, for obvious reasons, was of an 80-year old prominent Dar es Salaam resident who died in the arms of a 33-year old woman, in a hotel room. Dar es Salaam was the city of my youth, and I am pretty close to the octogenarian age mark.
To cut a long story short, these affairs are, apparently, quite risky and dangerous for the elderly pleasure-seekers, from whose point of view we are considering them today. Let us end with a brief look at the main trigger or cause of these affairs and how the elderly lover might safely and respectably conduct himself around them.
Loneliness is the main ailment that pushes elderly people into these risky adventures. I can testify to you that the need for friendship, love and even intimacy does not diminish with age. In healthy individuals, it probably persists and even increases throughout life. The problem with the elders is that their access to company and friendship is constantly shrinking through such developments as departure of offspring from home, divorce, separation, death and disability of spouses, colleagues and friends and increasing immobility.
The hale and hearty septuagenarian, octogenarian and, increasingly, nonagenarian finds himself all dressed up with nowhere to go. The temptation to fall for adventurous slay queens, gold-diggers and desperate delinquents becomes understandably strong. We are here sympathising with people who have been reasonably principled in relationships through most of their lives. Preaching discipline and caution to womanising rakes who have been promiscuous from the word go would be like preaching vegetarianism to a dog.
Anyway, here are some three approaches that might help the wababu to avoid the “syrup-daddy” temptation (“syrup-daddies” here contrasting with “sugar-daddies”, who are characteristically middle-aged). First and foremost, sensible men must learn a proper and sincere respect for women as friends and colleagues, and not always regard them as actual or prospective sex objects. That silly objectification of women (“lovely young sexy thing”) is an aspect of toxic masculinity, and a serious hindrance to good and clean friendly relationships between men and women.
Secondly, and quite well-known to us teachers, men should develop a “parentage attitude” to all their younger women acquaintances. With a humble and non-patronising parental approach to our young female acquaintances, we can enjoy their company and comfortable sharing of experiences and views without inhibition or salacious obsessions. Why can’t we widen the circle of our daughters and granddaughters to include all their agemates?
Finally, we elders should plan and work systematically towards creating adequate social and leisure spaces for our age groups. Yes, I am talking of exclusivity. Do you notice how nearly all the relaxation and entertainment “joints” in our towns and cities are dominated by under-thirties? I do not begrudge them their facilities. But there could and should be at least a few truly “grown-up” facilities where oldsters can go out and enjoy lively company and activities with their agemates.
Then we can point derisive fingers at those who go prowling among kids, cubs and puppies.
Prof Bukenya is a leading East African scholar of English and [email protected]
